Why Children Don't Have Jobs

First of all, I would like to note that the Lost Llama Poem of Hardingfele has been found. It was somewhere in Richard Bonomo's house all along. (Perhaps that quartet of trouble-makers, i.e., plants, had it: Jolly Bob, The Professor, Dr. Cheung, and Greg.) Speaking of plants and trouble-making, I was recently informed that I could have plants in my office if they were "professional-looking." Now what constitutes a professional-looking plant, I couldn't even begin to tell you. Does it have to carry a little briefcase? Does it have to wear a plant power suit? And how many sleeves would something like that have on it? The mind boggles.

Today Rockstar Tailor was telling me that her mother, Hardingfele, had mentioned my work woes to her, and she had some really great suggestions for dealing with my boss, if I want to get fired. Here is her list of possible responses to ridiculous requests:

• Point at my head and make a circle with my finger while making a "cuckoo" sound, the international symbol for "You're a nut job."

• Say, "That's supercallifragilisticexpealidocious!" (Or however you spell that...)

• Say, "It sure stinks in here! I think someone made an uh-oh in their pants!"

While these would all be perfectly reasonable responses to some of the loopier things I've been told at work, somehow I don't think it would be considered excessively professional. Perhaps this is why they created child labor laws: not because it is unfair to make children work, but because no boss wants to say something stupid to an employee and then get a response which is equally mature and sensible. If you only employ adults, the odds of your employee saying, "I know you are, but what am I?" are vastly decreased. Then again, in my experience, adults working with that level of maturity and logic are usually promoted to management, so maybe we should just have 9-year-olds in charge. It couldn't be any worse.

Famous Hat