Love is a B***h

Here, for your reading pleasure, is a story that Toque McToque and I wrote.  She wrote every other line, and I wrote the rest of them:

“Aren’t you done yet?” Mary asked while pounding on the bathroom door.

To her embarrassment, it was the WRONG bathroom door. After realizing her mistake but before she could make a hasty exit, an attractive man opened the door.

"Excuse me?" he said. "This is the men's bathroom. Can I help you?"

Mary felt her cheeks turning scarlet, what should she say? To cover her embarrassment, she said, "Sorry, I was looking for my brother. Maybe you've seen him?"

He smiled broadly and replied, “Do you always try to pick up men this way? I’m David, and I was the only one in there.”

She said, "I've never tried to pick up a man this way before, but let me know if it's working."

He laughed and said, “The jury is still out; will you let me decide over dinner?”

So they headed to the Tibetan restaurant down the road to get to know one another over yak's milk tea. Mary was elated, she hadn’t been on a date in ages. Even an accidental one. She was going to have to start spending a lot more time hanging around the Men’s room.

David and Mary gazed at each other in the light of a yak tallow candle. Mary realized midsentence that she shouldn’t have tried to show off by ordering the spiciest thing on the menu. But Death by Yakmeat sounded like such a delicious dish. In her mind’s eye she saw the restaurant scene from the movie 200 Cigarettes play out, and immediately started to panic. [If you haven’t seen the movie, it was the part where a woman was out on a date and eats a chili pepper and has to run to the bathroom] Since David had not seen 200 Cigarettes, he had no idea why she was panicking and naturally thought a yeti was about to attack him from behind. As he jumped out of his chair and turned around, he managed to knock over their yak’s milk tea. It was good that he turned around, because right behind him was... a yeti! David screamed like a little girl and ran out of the restaurant, right into a large group of children who were trick-or-treating. Since they were Tibetan children, they were all dressed like yetis, except for one who was dressed up as a piece of Timboo bread. Mary wasn’t sure if she should laugh or cry; what kind of wuss was she on a date with? One who was getting beat up by all the little yetis because he didn't have any candy to give them! Mary sighed, picked up her purse and snuck out the backdoor. She wondered if David was a Capricorn, since according to Ma Hat, all male Capricorns are wusses. You know, like Al Capone and Muhammed Ali. And of course Barry Alvarez. All she really knew was that too many of her dates ended up with her sneaking out of the restaurant alone. Perhaps, on further reflection, the men's bathroom wasn't the best place to meet a potential mate. She should have listened to her mother and married Zach, even though he was boring. At least she’d have someone to go home to.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Zach was thinking how glad he was that Mary hadn't married him. Mostly because he was gay, but it wouldn’t have worked even if he wasn’t. Her wild impulsive ways had always made him nervous. Besides, his favorite philosopher was Foucault and hers was Norman Vincent Peale. Just as Zach made himself comfortable on the couch with a nice glass of wine the phone rang.

"Sorry, wrong number," said a very familiar-sounding voice. He knew it was Mary and could feel his blood pressure start to rise.

"Mary," he said. "You didn't call the wrong number. You wanted to see if I was at home. Why?" He cringed as his voice went up an octave, while his grip on the wineglass tightened.

"Why would I want anything?" Mary asked with poorly-feigned casualness. She knew it was going to be a short conversation, ending with her in tears. Why on Earth did she call him?

By now Zach was shaking so hard he was getting zinfandel all over the carpet. Mentally he was adding a phone with caller ID to his next Target run. He was surprised to see that they were selling fresh produce there too these days.

“Zach? Are you still there?” He could tell she was about to start sobbing, what had he done to deserve this?

"I gotta go," he said. There was a puddle of zinfandel on the floor that needed his attention.

Mary took her cell phone and flung it as far as she could down the alley, she’d didn’t give a rip anymore. Screw men; she was getting a dog for company. Unfortunately the female Rottweiler-pit bull mix she got at the shelter was not as friendly as they had promised. The End.

Famous Hat (and Toque McToque)