I've got a Yiddish nose
And I've got some mermaid toes
But just who AM I??
Nobody knows!
As you may remember from this post, my Archirritant informed me that I am not Irish Catholic. But it gets worse, because a couple of days ago Hardingfele sent me an article about how a man allegedly named "Parke Kunkle" has said the signs of the zodiac have shifted, so I am now a Sagittarius just like she is. (You can read the shocking article here.) What??? I'm not a Capricorn anymore? So now what am I supposed to do with this?
I mean, what would a Sagittarius do with a marble seagoat statue? I would prefer a sign that is easier to spell, thank you very much. Kathbert is furious because "Parke Kunkle" made Virgo a month and a half long, so she is no longer a Libra. "It's not fair!" she says. And Luxuli was horrified to find out that she and her husband are no longer both Pisces, since he got booted back to Aquarius. And Rich the uber-Aquarius is now a Capricorn?? Maybe I should give him my marble statue. And now I have to go from hating Virgo men to Leo ones, although Tiffy may be happy to learn that she is now a Leo. Light Bright, however, is still a Virgo - I should have known none of this would affect her. "I'm solid," she says.
Here is what I propose: that all state workers buy a lottery ticket once a week, and then there won't be a budget crisis and we won't need even more furlough. Come on, it's cheaper than a fake coffee at Starsucks. And here is what else I propose: as long as they are changing all our signs on us anyway, change what they are too. I would have no problem being Sagittarius the Llama. And come on, now there's some stupid 13th sign of the zodiac which is a guy wrestling a snake? What, making people be eternal virgins and named after deadly diseases wasn't enough for you, "Parke Kunkle"? So here is the new Zodiac I am proposing:
December 17 - January 20: Llolita the Llama
January 21 - February 16: Bonomo the Enginerd
February 17 - March 11: Lentbirthdaysbite the Pissed-Off Penitant
March 12 - April 18: Frank the Tax Accountant
April 19 - May 13: Lily the Flower
May 14 - June 21: Yancy the Yacht
June 22 - July 20: Coco the Coconut-Scented Sunscreen Bottle
July 21 - August 10: Casa del Lago the Lake House
August 11 - September 16: Emptor the Back-to-School Sale Shopper
September 17 - October 30: Sigma the Unusually Long Sign
November 1 - November 23: Toque McToque the Canadian Winter Hat
November 24 - November 29: Cinco Dias the Five-Day Sign
November 30 - December 16: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
See? No more hurt feelings because some people are awesome signs and some are lame ones. They are all equally random under my system. And since we all have to adjust to our new signs anyway, it's the perfect time to introduce new ones.
And finally, as promised, how to acquire a Cuddly Rosary: contact me. They cost $20 and are handmade in this country by another former Capricorn, my mother. Here is a picture of my rosary, and at some point I am going to make a catchy ad, but for some reason Rich did not think klezmer music was the best background for my rosary ad. So I am still working on it.
Famous Hat
4 comments:
Ah! I see Famous Hat's owner has a second toe longer than the big toe. Is that not a sign of royalty?
I had never heard of this, but trust Wikipedia to have a whole article on it. Here is a selected quote:
"It has a long association with disputed anthropological and ethnic interpretations. Morton called it Metatarsus atavicus, considering it an atavism recalling prehuman grasping toes. In statuary and shoe fitting it has been called the Greek foot (as opposed to the Egyptian foot, where the great toe is longer). A longer second toe has often been associated with royalty, particularly during the rule of the Ptolemaic dynasty when Egypt was under Greek rulership. It was an idealized form in Greek sculpture, and this persisted as an aesthetic standard through Roman and Renaissance periods and later (the Statue of Liberty has toes of this proportion). There are also associations found within Celtic groups. The French call it commonly pied grec (just as the Italians call it piede greco), but sometimes pied ancestral or pied de Néanderthal[2]."
So there you go. So far as I know, there is no Greek royalty in my family, so it's probably the Celtic thing. Or I am a throwback.
Also, I would like to note that my mother does not consider herself a former Capricorn: "My sign was Capricorn when I was born," she said, "and it's staying Capricorn. This just applied to people born now." So there you go. Mom Hat has spoken.
WV: rolsizes - the size of rols, of course. You didn't need me to tell you that.
I heard about this toe thing too and mine are shorter, because I come from Eastern European peasant stock. I am not sure if I have an identity crisis - Soviet Jew with a bit of Russian, masquerading as a Norwegian. I a still a Sagittarius even in the new system.
But you have never had my Archirritant inform you of what you are or are not. Lucky you - she would no longer be a Sagittarius under this new system, so you don't have to share a sign with her anymore. I think she would be that new one of some dude wrestling a snake.
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