How to Seem Like a Genius for Dummies

Among the many books I am in some stage of writing is one of those "For Dummies" guidebooks, e.g., "Computers for Dummies," "Raising Emus for Dummies," "Dry Ice Sculpting for Dummies," etc. For many years now I have thought I should write "How to Seem Like a Genius for Dummies," considering how many people have said I am a genius. Now I know my IQ and this is manifestly not so, and in fact people don't say it so much anymore so perhaps it was their nicer way of calling me a know-it-all. (Or I'm getting stupider as the years go by?) However, I can still ace those ridiculous online Mensa tests, which may not mean anything. They always say I got a really good score and should now pay the $80 to take the REAL test. Hellooo, if I were really smart enough for Mensa, would I fall for a scam like that? So maybe everyone aces those free Mensa tests, because at least a few of those people would be suckers enough to cough up $80 to take another test. Now I'm not badmouthing Mensa (at least if any Mensa members are reading this, but come on, they're smarter than that), but how smart is it to pay hundreds of dollars in dues a year to an organization dedicated to proving how smart you are?

OK, so rule #1: Don't join Mensa. You will seem smarter if you don't have a pathological need to go around proving how smart you are. (I think; it seems to work for coolness so why not for smartness too?)

Rule #2: Cultivate an extensive vocabulary (learn big words). I have done this by accident simply by playing those ridiculous word game puzzles for years, which teach you words you will never need to know again except in another word game puzzle. But this chapter of the book will be set up like this: Big word, how to pronounce, what it means, used in a sentence a normal human can understand, and used in a sentence you could whip out at a cocktail party. Below is an example:

Juxtaposition (juck-stuh-pu-ZI-shun) (this is Midwestern American English; pronunciations may vary): something which is side by side with something else, e.g., "The juxtaposition of pumpernickel, corned beef, sauerkraut, and horseradish sauce is a reuben sandwich."

"Smart" sentence using this word: "The juxtaposition of the profound and the profane in Chaucer explains his ubiquitous popularity lo these many centuries."

(Sorry, if you don't know what profound, profane, or ubiquitous mean, you'll just have to wait and buy the book.)

Rule #3: Use memory tricks. Here is a very simple example - you probably have more than one friend, right? And it's hard to remember everyone's birthday? I mean, you only have a 1/365 chance of guessing right. But if you can remember people's sign of the zodiac, that is only one out of twelve. So say I don't remember A-Joz's birthday exactly, but I think to myself, "Ooh, A-Joz is a Gemini! Maybe I should send her a birthday card!" And if it comes any time within a month of her birthday, A-Joz will be so impressed: "Famous Hat remembered my birthday!" IMPORTANT: This only works with snail mail, because who can say how long it takes for them to deliver anything? Even if you mail it on the first day of Gemini, and A-Joz were born on the last possible day to be a Gemini (which she wasn't), she just might think you were being thoughtful and making sure you left enough time for the card to be delivered by her birthday. And if it's a few days late, eh. That's the post office for you. (Of course, since A-Joz is my neighbor and I see her at the bus stop every day, she might think I had lost it if I mailed her a card so this works better for out of town friends. You are less likely to remember their exact birthdays, anyway.)

Rule #4: Write a best-selling book on a topic you know nothing about/an autobiography you made up. (Hey, it's your life - can't you make up your own biography? I mean, are we in control of NOTHING in our own lives anymore?) For example, you may know nothing about the real estate market, but you could say your friend (who doesn't really exist) had, say, a great-aunt who made a fortune investing in real estate while your great-aunt worked for her money... and who wants to do that?? So you write a book called "Rich Great-Aunt, Poor Great-Aunt" advising people to invest in the stock market, since you have heard people can make a lot of money doing that. Did you have a boring suburban childhood? Why not write about how you grew up in the 'hood drinking malt liquor out of your baby bottle? Or if you are of average intelligence, why not write a book about how to seem like a genius? People love fiction, but they think reading nonfiction makes them look smarter and more serious, so it's a win-win situation. If you get caught - bonus!! Extra publicity! Make the talk-show circuit and discuss how contrite you are, and how you will never do it again.

For the rest of the steps, you will have to buy my book, How to Seem Like a Genius for Dummies.

Famous Hat