This is an actual true story, and not an email Toque McToque forwarded to me claiming it was a true story that happened in Texas or anything:
Clutching their Kohl's shopping bags, Hardingfele and Famous Hat gazed woefully down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit: no flies, no smell...
"What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Hardingfele.
"Come on, Hardingfele, let's just go."
But Hardingfele had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue..."
She dumped her purchases into Famous Hat's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover it.
They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Hardingfele's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the summer sunshine while they ate, Famous Hat's car Erin Caitlyn O'Honda would soon smell awfully nasty.
They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to Jerkins. They sat down at a window table where they had a view of Famous Hat's Honda with the Kohl's bag still on the trunk.
BUT not for long! As they ate, they noticed a large woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car. It was Famous Hat's Archirritant! She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Famous Hat and Hardingfele shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond.
"Can you imagine?" Hardingfele finally sputtered. "The nerve of that woman!"
Famous Hat sympathized with Hardingfele, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting her Archirritant. Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Hardingfele's eyes freeze in the direction of the front door. Following her gaze, Famous Hat saw her Archirritant with the Kohl's bag hanging from her arm. She brazenly pushed her way toward a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat.
After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.
Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Hardingfele and Famous Hat, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.
In a matter of minutes, Archirritant emerged, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney. Two well-trained EMT volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of Archirritant was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors .... the Kohl's Bag perched on her stomach!!
*OK, maybe it didn't happen exactly like that. Maybe it was more like Hardingfele, Rockstar Tailor, and I went to Jerkins, and we never saw any dead cat or my Archirritant.
Famous Hat
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2 comments:
OK so I realize you want to incorporate my cat obsession, but Archirritant must have pissed you off last nite. DO TELL!
Actually, that was Toque's idea. When she sent me the email, I said you must have been the one who picked up the dead cat, and she asked if Archirritant were the fat lady. She didn't annoy me as much as someone else who kept saying she wanted to sing a solo in "Messiah" when she isn't even as good as the people in the chorus! But yes, AI was annoying.
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