The Marriage Oranges

Sorry for the lack of blogging the last two days. Wednesday I was home sick, and then yesterday I was busy getting caught up from having a day off. Today it is very cold out, but I am so happy. It must be time for another oranges song. This is the “Marriage Oranges”:

I love having a lover and a friend,

I love hanging out together every weekend,

I love having someone to come home to,

And Travalon, I love you!

I love our home that we take care of together,

I love walking Rodney, even in the bad weather,

I love that you don’t mind my jungle and my zoo,

And Travalon, I love you!

I love that you clean out the rabbit’s cage,

Even when she nips at you in her bunny rage,

I love that you always do the laundry too,

And Travalon, I love you!

I love when you cook dinner for me,

I love cooking dinner for you too, you see.

I love that you’ll eat broccoli, and kale too,

And Travalon, I love you!

I love that you don’t mind me dancing around

To hip hop music, which is not your favorite sound,

And you change the station when they play Pink Floyd, it’s true,

Oh Travalon, I love you!

Famous Hat

Doggy Blues

Travalon has started his new job, and so far he loves it. He works for a rental car company, and he gets to drive lots of nice, new cars around. He also has to vacuum them out, but hey, that’s moving around. One of my coworkers said the other day that sitting is the new smoking as far as things that are bad for your health, and all I do all day is sit. Some of my coworkers have standing desks, so I’m thinking of trying that out.

The one whose life is most impacted by Travalon’s new job is his poodle, Rodney. Since Travalon’s job starts earlier than mine, Rodney and I both stay in bed while he is getting ready. Then when I get up, Rodney wants to go out, and when I get home, he wants to go out. He is so ecstatic to have company that he gives my face a bath with his tongue. Poor puppy, all alone except for Cashmere the Unfriendly and Superannuated Rabbit. She is looking very old and frail these days, but then again she will be nine at the end of this month. The 28^th, if you want to mark your calendars.

This is a little poem for Rodney. It probably won’t make him feel any better about getting left home alone, but I feel his pain.

Daddy left me but Step-Mom’s here.

Wait, is she going out the door??

Take me with you, please please please!

I can’t stand being alone anymore!

Time is passing, I’m so lonely,

Nobody here but that lagomorph,

And she isn’t very friendly,

Which they say is normal for a Poland dwarf.

Someone’s at the door!! Is it my daddy??

No, it’s Step-Mom, almost as good!!

Now she’s taking me out for a walk

All around our neighborhood.

I love to have a human with me

As I sniff around where the hostas grow

And find the perfect spot to pee on –

Here! This one! I gotta go!

Travalon’s a poet too. When I said something about being so lame because of something I did or didn’t do, he said, “You may be lame, but I love you just the same.” Awww!

Famous Hat

The Gettin' Paid Oranges

If the opposite of blue is orange, then it only stands to reason that the opposite of the blues is the oranges. This is my oranges song about a wonderful piece of news I received yesterday.

I’m getting paid now, getting paid more,

Said I’m getting paid now, getting paid more

Than I ever did get paid before.

Getting a raise, yeah, effective real soon,

Said I’m getting a raise, yeah, effective real soon.

In November, I’m singing a new tune.

This is the biggest raise I ever had,

You know this is the biggest raise I ever had,

And I just have to sing about it because I’m so glad.

Got the Getting’ Paid Oranges, just singing all the time.

Said I got the Getting’ Paid Oranges, just singing all the time.

Only problem with oranges is there’s nothing that does rhyme.

Famous Hat

The Movin' Out Blues

Sorry for the lack of blogging yesterday, but I was at my old condo, trying really hard to get it emptied out. I did not succeed in that venture, and because people have expressed so much delight in my silly poems, I figured it was high time to get creative again while explaining why not. This is called “The Movin’ Out Blues.”

Got so much stuff left

In my old crib

Like a broken plant cart

And a Chinese bib.

I’m making three piles:

St. Vinny’s, trash, and keep,

But the first two are small,

And the last one is deep.

Can’t get rid of that sweater,

Ma Hat

Made that.

Can’t get rid of this screw,

Who knows

Where it goes?

And this key?

Well, you see,

It might open some door

That I need to

Get into,

Or maybe not anymore.

See this pile of discs?

They all have to stay,

Which one holds my novel?

Right now I can’t say.

This little stuffed frog

Was given to me

By a person who’s gone

To the Great Beyond,

So I’m sure you can see

Why it stays in my pond.

What can I get rid of?

What can I let go?

Moving out would be simple

If I just learned to say No!

Famous Hat

Acedia: The Everyday Blues

At the request of Luxuli, who so enjoyed my “First World Blues” song that she even thought about commenting, I am writing another blues song about everyday matters. This one is about acedia, a problem I seem to have more as autumn approaches so maybe it’s really just Seasonal Affective Disorder. I call this “The Everyday Blues”:

Woke up this morning and got out of bed,

Wished that my pillow was still under my head.

And then I made coffee, just like every day,

And I always do it the same old way.

Got the everyday blues,

Goin’ through the motions and then,

Tomorrow I’ll get up

And do it again.

I checked my email one thousand times,

And then I thought of a couple of rhymes,

Maybe something will happen, or not,

Maybe I’ll just sit here and rot.

Got the everyday blues,

Bored out of my mind,

Wasted the whole day

While for excitement I pined.

Don’t care that I don’t care about how I look,

Can’t seem to get into this really long book,

It’s just so much effort to work and to pray,

You just have to do it again the next day.

Got the everyday blues,

Little too much routine,

Sometimes I feel

Like a soulless machine.

So what is the cure?

Here’s what works for me,

Scrubbing the bathroom

And praying the rosary!

Beat the everyday blues,

Keep acedia at bay,

Ora et labora

Is the very best way.

Famous Hat

First World Blues

When I complained to Travalon that my old blog posts seemed more creative, he said maybe that's why I got more comments back in the day. So I am trying to be creative today - we'll see if it results in more comments. This is "First World Blues":

The copier is jammin’ but sadly I’m not,

My coffee is cold and my office is hot,

My highlighter dried up and my best pen is dead,

How I wish I could have stayed in bed.

I got the First World Blues,

Just whining all the time.

Still got running water,

In a ‘hood free of crime.

I missed that movie I wanted to see,

Now I’ll have to rent it on DVD,

But the video places are all dead

Because everyone else has Netflix instead.

I got the First World Blues,

Feel sorry for me,

Even if there’s no problem

With the electricity.

My car’s in the shop, yes, that’s actually true,

How will I get places? What am I to do?

Guess I’ll have to bike now, or else take the bus,

But man, what a problem, it’s just so much fuss.

I got the First World Blues,

Lots of white privilege,

And organic food

In my overstocked fridge.

I know something’s missing, but what could it be?

I’ve got food and water, and elections are free,

And nobody keeps me from professing my creed,

Oh, yeah, perspective – that’s what I need!

I got the First World Blues,

And a really lame rhyme,

But it’s all good

Because it’s pumpkin spice time.

Famous Hat

Goin' to Jail.... Somewhere

I am going to jail… and I don’t even know where! This is one of those March of Dimes fundraisers, where I am supposed to raise $1000 in bail (contact me if you would like to help out), but today we found out the restaurant where we were going to be in “jail” just closed abruptly yesterday. So I do not know where I will be in jail. However, this did not stop me from writing a blues song, which I composed in a vanillin-induced craze after eating a cookie. Sing it to any tune you want.

I don’t wanna turn up my volume,
I don’t wanna send this to ten friends.
(You forget who you’re talking to?
You think I even got ten friends?)

Quit sending me dumb s—t over email.
I don’t care about the Latvian scuba team.
I don’t care about that missing five-year old.
I don’t need no free cone full of ice cream.

Don’t tell me that I don’t believe in God
If I don’t send your dumb@$$ email on.
Don’t send me something you need me to see
After 4:20 – cuz I’m already gone!

Quit sending me dumb s—t over email.
I don’t care if Obama never goes to church.
I don’t care if I can get V!agr@ (whatever that is) for cheap.
If I really wanna know, I’ll do a Google search.

For once could you send me something interesting,
Like the GNP of Antarctica last year
Or how to make heavy water at home
Or where I can find the darkest beer?

Quit sending me dumb s—t over email.
Stop it NOW before I come over and kick your @$$.
I wish you’d never learned how to type
If you’re going to send me this stuff with no class.

Famous Hat

Famous Hat Joint: Goin' Down to Georgia

Here I am singing a blues song about Georgia in my contralto range.

If this video is not working, you can go to YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lB9qJ816sAE

Famous Hat

Singin' the Bread Machine Blues

Oh, I got me a bread machine, and it makes some real fine bread,
Said I got me a bread machine, and it sure makes some real fine bread,
It will bake day or night, even while I'm in bed.

Sometimes my bread is weird, but that's my own fault.
I said sometimes my bread is weird, but that's all my own stupid fault,
Because I'm the one who puts in the flour and water and salt.

One day I was sick, too sick to go buy food.
You know I was so sick, too sick to go buy food,
And I was almost out, so things weren't looking good.

I made me some bread, but my flour was not enough.
Yeah I made me some bread, but my flour was just not enough
So I used masa tortilla flour because it's similar stuff.

My bread didn't rise, no it didn't rise at all.
I said that half-masa bread didn't rise, it didn't rise at all
But it tasted just like corn bread and was just about as tall.

Once my bread wasn't rising because I forgot the yeast,
Yeah, once my bread didn't rise because I went and forgot the yeast
So I added some and started over, and it wasn't affected in the least.

The other day my bread came out all crumbly and dry,
That's right, the other day my bread turned out all crumbly and dry
So I sat myself down and asked myself why.

Maybe not enough water, so I poured in a whole bunch.
Yeah, not enough water, so I went and poured in a whole bunch
Because I couldn't eat a pile of crumbs for lunch.

I put in more yeast and stirred the whole mess around.
Said I put in more yeast and stirred the whole mess around
Then I started over again and guess what I found?

That twice-baked bread came out as pretty as could be,
Can you believe that twice-baked bread came out pretty as could be?
It was moist and yeasty but that's just fine with me!

Yesterday someone asked me, "What kind of bread is that?"
You know just yesterday someone asked, "What kind of bread is that?"
I said, "It's stupidity bread, and that's a fact!"

My bread machine loves me, it fixes all my mistakes,
Said that machine truly loves me, it fixes all my mistakes,
And I always enjoy the bread that it bakes.

Famous Hat