Proper to Its Function

Years ago I kept having dreams about a beautiful building in Istanbul that had domes and minarets, but when I went inside, it was just an office building with a lobby containing a dreary fake plant, a bored receptionist, and an elevator. When I told my dad about the dreams, he said it was the Hagia Sophia, but that it isn't an office building. Not long after that I actually got to visit Istanbul, and the moment I stepped inside the magnificent Hagia Sophia, I could feel an enormous lack. It was not an office building, but it was no longer a place of worship. Now an office building does not feel sacred, but it does not have that same emptiness, almost a hunger, about it. It was built to be an office building and is proper to its function. The Hagia Sophia, however, was built for a sacred purpose, so that now that it is just a museum, it no longer has its proper function, and the loss is palpable.

Of course you knew that this post was going somewhere with palm trees and hammocks, so here it is: the proper function of humans is to be tropical and crepuscular. That's right, we are SUPPOSED to be taking midday naps under palm trees. This is why people are so crazy around here, because we are forced to live in a diurnal, temperate existence. We did not evolve to be awake all day in a cold, snowy climate. It's not proper to our function.

Famous Hat

Happy Sts. Cyril and Methodius Day

We were trying to think of a good theme for Richard Bonomo's birthday party this year, since we had already done Mardi Gras, Chocolate Brunch, Luau, and Presidents' Day. Then it occurred to us: of course! If his birthday party was on the 14th of February, then the theme should be obvious - Sts. Cyril and Methodius Day! With that in mind, I baked a cake that looked vaguely like a Russian Orthodox church and then decorated it with much help from Tiffy and "Mrs. Smith," a mathematicienne who also knows Russian. She wrote the message on the cake, which simply says "Khappee Beerthday Reech" in Cyrillic letters.

Here is the booty Rich got, because he "forgot" to ask people not to bring gifts.

Nothing says "Lent is on the way" like Christmas mugs!

Chocolate truffles are always a welcome gift.

What do you get when you cross chocolate with money? Perfection!

And here is the other side of the box.

Mr. Icon gave a typically tasteful gift: racing nuns!

And here they are in action.

Famous Hat

The Saints Went Marching In!

Here are some pictures I took with my new digital camera. The first one is a self-portrait, in a sense: I am both a Goat in the Western zodiac and a Pig (in fact, an Iron Pig) in the Eastern zodiac. So here my Eastern and Western aspects are being illustrated in plushy fashion in front of a mirror. (That's me being "artistic.")

Figure 1: Famous Hat: East and West

Here is a self-portrait taken in the mirror after the Saints won the Super Bowl. Note the fleur-de-lis on my health food store hat and the actual Mardi Gras beads from New Orleans.

Figure 2: Who Dat?

This is a picture of Nola my papyrus from New Orleans celebrating the Saints' win by wearing my Mardi Gras beads. (No plants were harmed in the making of this photo.)

Figure 3: Nola says yeah! Saints win!!

And here are my little New Orleans dolls celebrating. The voodoo doll on the left is one I got during my trip to New Orleans and the Cajun Fiddler is something my parents brought back from New Orleans when they visited several years earlier.

Figure 4: Mr. and Mrs. New Orleans

Famous Hat

Happy Birthday, Rich!

It may be time to change careers, and not just because, to quote Toque McToque, my workplace is "like Spy vs. Spy without the cool artwork." It seems as if I have a real knack for making people laugh, like the priest whenever I go to Confession. Are my sins that hilarious? or is my delivery that good? Last night I was telling Richard Bonomo (Happy Birthday, Rich!) about my workplace woes, and he was practically rolling on the ground, he was laughing so hard.

"I'm sorry!" he gasped. "I shouldn't laugh! But you should write a book once you get out of there!" Yeah, if I want to get sued. Mentioning work on my blog read by 3.4 people is risky enough. I won't say too much more about this subject except that Toque thinks the title of this book should be All Male Virgos Should Be Drowned at Birth. (I'm pretty safe to say that, since my readership includes no male Virgos. Banjo Player, if you are reading this, we'll make an exception for your husband.)

"That would be a best-seller for sure!" she said. Just so you know, she didn't invent that title but stole it right from one of my email rants.

But this post is actually about Rich, who is an Aquarius, and not how funny I am in Confession or anything like that. Truthfully, I have never had any interest in being a stand-up comedienne, but it can't be any worse than this job! Anyway, that's what I thought last night when Hardingfele and I grabbed a bite at a fast food place before a gig, and we saw an advertisement for managers there promising to pay more than either of us makes currently. Hardingfele likes her job, but I thought hm, I already hate my job AND I make peanuts... maybe I should consider a career in fast food management!

Told you this post was all about Rich. Rich, if you are reading this, I hope you are rolling on the floor laughing and having a great birthday!

Famous Hat

Shout Out to Hardingfele

Sorry for the lack of posts, it's been crazy the last few days! I just realized that in my last post I forgot to thank Hardingfele for taking care of my babies. THANKS!!! Hardingfele is the greatest rabbit/hedgehog/plant sitter ever to get a dolphin key chain AND a dolphin mug from me! (The mug says "Acapulco" and the key chain changes color in the sunlight.)

Famous Hat

Hidden Menaces: Castles and Communion Wafers

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was a painful first quarter and a much improved second quarter, then after some geezers staggered across the stage sort of singing, Hardingfele and I had to go to mandatory band practice. The moment mandatory band practice was over, we climbed back into my car, Erin Caitlyn O'Honda, and turned on the radio to find out the SAINTS WENT MARCHING IN!!! Yeah!!! Usually I don't care about the Super Bowl once my team is out of contention, but even a die-hard cheesehead can wear a fleur-de-lis for the city she loves. Still, it blows chunks that we missed the following: an offside kick, a two-point conversion, and an interception run back for a touchdown. Ah well, the point is, they WON!!!

For those who are concerned about my little creatures, let me assure you that they all survived my vacation. Arphaxad and Amminadab were barely visible in their green water, but once I cleaned out their bowl, they were the same as ever. Sylvia made her happy little squeaky sounds she only makes when I return from a long trip or guinea pigs move out of the house, and Charlie has a slight cold but is fine otherwise and very happy to see me. Cashmere was a little resentful at first, but the other day she let me cuddle her for a solid minute and a half, which has got to be a record.

Good thing I have Toque McToque to warn me about the many dangers in the world. The other day she sent me an article about a group of people expending much energy to protest the GLUTINOUS COMMUNION WAFERS OF DOOM. Seriously, those things are so tiny that I imagine the low-glutin ones that are 0.01% glutin couldn't kill anyone, and anyway you can always receive wine. However, that did make me think how underutilized communion wafers have been in horror flicks. I mean, when was the last time you saw a movie about GLUTINOUS COMMUNION WAFERS OF DOOM destroying the earth? And then Toque sent me another article about the British government zealously fighting to protect the citizenry from a... CASTLE!! *Gasp* No! Can you believe a private citizen had the unmitigated gall to endanger the entire human race by building a castle?? The British government is so incensed that it is demanding he tear it down. This menace is so stealthy that none of the neighbors thought to complain about the lovely Tudor-style building with stained-glass windows and two turrets, but that's why we have government, right? To protect us from the dangers lurking all around us that we don't even notice? So be careful out there. It's a big, bad world filled with glutinous communion wafers and unapproved castles.

Famous Hat

Cross of Milagros

Among the souvenirs I brought home for friends, the oddest is probably the Cross of Milagros I found for Richard Bonomo. It was in the back of a store in Mazatlan, far behind the usual tourist kitsch, in the religious section. There were crosses covered with small charms called "milagros," which is Spanish for "miracles," and these charms were of all sorts of strange things: animals, people, plants, religious objects, and disembodied arms and legs. However, only this cross had a gun milagro.

Figure 1: Cross of Milagros

The moment I saw this cross, I thought: "Here is the perfect gift for Rich!" Then I showed Tiffy, who seconded this opinion. There is something so surreal about the pretty flowers juxtaposed with that six-shooter, and then St. Michael in the middle, holding a sword and a ... balance?? (Kathbert, who is a great devotee of St. Michael, said she was pleased to see that he is a Libra too.) The other charms are chili peppers, a young boy praying, corn, a pig, and the Eucharist.

Last night Rich, Kathbert, and I were looking online to find out what the milagros meant, since each one symbolizes something. The little charms are used either to ask a favorite saint for a miracle or to thank one for a miracle granted. Here is what we found:

Corn and chili peppers: abundance

Pig: abundance

Boy: either a prayer for a wayward young male relative or thanksgiving for a boy child

Eucharist: this wasn't listed, but it seems pretty straightforward

However, we could find nothing regarding the gun milagro. Even the salesman at the Mexican shop was puzzled and said he thought it must be for protection. So perhaps I have just wished for Rich to have an abundant, Eucharistic life that is well-protected and full of male offspring...? The boy milagro can also symbolize one's inner child, and the pig can be a wish that someone stops a piggish behavior, so maybe this will get Rich to stop doing what he himself calls "turbo-eating." (He says he got the term from Kathbert, who replied that the actual phrase she used was "turbo-chewing.") n.b. Rich is not a terribly messy eater, just a very fast one. Kathbert thought this cross was appropriate, since Rich is a very healthy individual and therefore would not need any milagros of body parts.

Here are a couple of movies of "Billy from Phili-penis" and his towel animals. The first one is rather long, and I will warn you that much of the action (such as it is) is blocked by the ape sitting on the edge of Billy's work table. However, it does show you Billy in action, going from two towels to an adorable apatosaur in under three minutes. Also, you can get a really good idea of how fancy the atrium (or, as they called it, "centrum") is in the Radiance of the Seas.

The second video is a much shorter one showing the animals sitting on the bar. The poor bunny rabbit has no more eyes because Billy "borrowed" them for the baby. I try to list each animal as I am passing it, but it was very crowded so in a couple of cases I am saying, "Excuse me" instead of naming the animal. The creature balancing something on its nose is a seal, the orange-and-white creature is a kangaroo (you can see its baby's ears sticking out of its pouch) and the other orange-and-white thing is a lobster.

Famous Hat