American Christmas

I once worked with a woman who had grown up in the Greek Orthodox Church, and since their Easter is usually a week or two after Easter in the Western Church, her family referred to the earlier celebration as "American Easter." She said they were aware of it, of course, but it had nothing to do with "real Easter." This got me to thinking: I feel the same way about Christmas.

Like Eastern vs. Western Easter, American vs. "Roman" (for lack of a more precise term) Christmas are two completely different holidays that simply share a name. Below I will outline the differences for you:

American Christmas: Starts sometime in October and ends exactly at midnight on December 25.

Roman Christmas: Starts on the evening of December 24 and, depending on how much partying you feel like doing, runs through Epiphany (January 6) or Candlemas (February 2).

American Christmas: A consumer holiday based on giving and receiving presents.

Roman Christmas: A religious holiday focused on the birth of God as a human baby.

American Christmas: Music is about snowmen, reindeer, and Santa.

Roman Christmas: Music is about the Word made flesh.

American Christmas: Decorations are gaudy light displays, kitchy Santas, inflatable snowmen, and fake reindeer.

Roman Christmas: Decorations are a creche scene, a tree that goes up Christmas Eve, and various plants (holly, evergreens, mistletoe, poinsettia) that have religious significance.

American Christmas: Appears to be very stressful (I wouldn't know as I don't celebrate it), with people panicking over this Holiday Party and that hard-to-shop-for relative's gifts, and they haven't even started mailing the cards out yet!

Roman Christmas: Way too much singing. Otherwise, a wonderful time of year!

Famous Hat

Interview with Plants Chez Bonomo

Right now I am at Rich's house, typing on his computer Aquinas. My four biggest plants are right in front of me, and on the table with me is a huge, beautiful scarlet poinsettia that our organist sent Rich to thank him for hosting Thanksgiving dinner. I can't think of anything to say today, so I am interviewing the plants:

FH: How do you like living Chez Bonomo so far?

Greg: The southern exposure light is awesome!

Jolly Bob: I really dig the skylight too.

The Professor: He does keep it kind of cool in here. Not that I'm complaining.

Dr. Cheung: It's almost as great as Hardingfele's old office window!

Poinsettia: Look at me! Aren't I gorgeous?

FH: So tell me about Christmas at Rich's house.

Greg: The decorations were weird, for example no tree, but there was a wedding dress hanging from the loft.

Jolly Bob: Yeah, I liked Kathbert's dad's flag hanging there better.

The Professor: All these people sat in here drinking some strange-looking water, kind of thick and yellow, and then they sang songs. Then they went out in some other room and we couldn't see them.

Dr. Cheung: Later a few of them came back and swung some hats around. The hats were wearing sunglasses and had little instruments hanging from them. Then some other people were playing real instruments. Humans have some odd Christmas traditions!

Poinsettia: Can you believe how red I am? So lovely!

Rich: How are you faring with the benign neglect of your host?

Greg: That's the best part!

Jolly Bob: He never notices when we sneak upstairs and drink out of the dragon faucet.

The Professor: Shut up! You weren't supposed to mention that!

Dr. Cheung: Actually, I prefer the other bathroom with the bidet and the jacuzzi.

Poinsettia: It's just not Christmas without a poinsettia!

Rich: Which of my houseguests did you like the best?

Greg: Whichever one is leaving.

Jolly Bob: Famous Hat, of course!

The Professor: I like you best of all. To heck with your guests.

Dr. Cheung: I'm going to have to go with Jolly Bob's answer on this one. I really liked that blue water Famous Hat gave us for Christmas.

Poinsettia: I love everyone who notices how beautiful I am!

Famous Hat

Monday Wedding

I apologize for the lack of post yesterday, but I was at a wedding. (Not my own.) This concept seems to fascinate people; they say, "A MONDAY wedding? Really??" Believe me, that was not the strangest thing about this wedding. The bride did not go overboard with bridesmaids, in fact she just had her sister stand up, but then she had ten priests concelebrate! The wedding cake was cheesecake the groom and his family made themselves, and it was AWESOME! Right after the wedding, the wedding party and a bunch of other people got on a bus and went to protest in front of our local abortion mill. Kathbert and I, however, were tired and hungry after singing for the half-hour choral prelude and then throughout the Mass, so we just went to the reception at a nearby movie theater. We saw lots of people who came back to town just for this wedding so it was a real reunion; the Leprechaun was there, and Ethel brought all her rugrats. It was a very child-oriented reception, and they showed cartoons on the movie screen.

Is there a new fad in prank calls? It used to be that people would call you and breathe heavily. I got one at work today where the caller blocked his phone number from showing up on Caller ID, then he chewed into my ear for several seconds. I assumed it was some fool who was bad with the concept of timing and had taken a bite of apple just before calling me, so I waited to see what he had to say, but he just chewed noisily into my ear and then hung up. (OK, I don't know for a fact that it was a man, but what woman would get her jollies by randomly calling other women at their jobs and chewing loudly into their ears?) Hey - maybe I was chewed out!

I am having phone issues at home too. This is probably because the 50-cent phone Hardingfele picked up for me at a garage sale is dying a natural death, but it sure has some weird things happen. A couple of times I have heard people talking through the receiver when it was hung up, and last night I kept hearing a sound like a single note on an electric piano being played over and over, then once I heard static and a man's voice, and twice it sounded like someone was starting to dial. If my phone is in fact bugged, I feel incredibly sorry for the person whose job it is to listen in on my phone conversations. I'm sure mine are as enjoyable for other people as the conversations those loud people on cell phones always seem to have around me.

Famous Hat

Sully Your Pets with Nature Balls!!

On the third day of Christmas, I sullied my true pets... with Nature Balls! According to the instructions below (who knew chew toys needed instructions?), "when you sully your pets, you enhance their lives." I didn't realize these things were made in China until I had brought them home and given them to the rabbits. No wonder Cashmere ran away in horror! What has this country come to that we are unable to domestically produce small wicker balls with bells inside of them?

I also gave Arphaxad and Amminadab a new plant to replace the one they had finally chewed to death. They were more pleased with their present than Cashmere was. (To be fair, Charlie liked the Nature Balls; he made his happy clucking sound and pushed them around.)

I hope all my readers had a wonderful Christmas. Mine was all about singing and making treats: between "Midnight Mass" at 5:00 pm at Our Lady of Perpetual Sobriety and the actual late service at the Lutheran church, I made the cassata, then some of us (including Rich, Kathbert, and me) were at the OTHER choir director's Froot Soop party until after 2:00 am. Rich has an adoration shift at 7:00 am on Fridays, so he got NO sleep. I did drag myself out of bed Christmas morning, suffering from the effects of too little sleep (and perhaps too much champagne) and somehow got to OLPS to sing at the morning Mass. Then Rich had his first Christmas party at the new house. As always, I enlisted some slaves, I mean volunteers to help make the eggnog, and then we all sat around the bowl singing Christmas carols (because I just hadn't sung enough in the past 24 hours) until dinner was ready. As Cecil Markovitch said, "What a feast!" Rich made lasagne, and one of the vegetarians in the crowd brought a poblano and bean dish that made fire come out of all of our ears! Then Rich made his famous chocolate mousse, the atheist Jew who always comes to his Christmas dinner brought his famous almond torte, and of course we also had Anna Banana II's famous cookies of many varieties and my famous cassata. Then after dessert we "repaired" (as Rich always says) to the living room and sang more Christmas carols. Later in the evening, after most of the others had gone home, Lady Harriet, her brother, Rich, and I made the video on my last post. It was the best Christmas ever!! (But I say that every year.)

Famous Hat

Famous Hat Presents: Irish Tunes

As a Christmas present to me, Richard Bonomo, Lady Harriet, and Balesirion helped me make a video. This is Lady Harriet and me playing the violin and the mandolin, while Richard Bonomo is the puppet master of Famous Hat and Balesirion is the puppeteer (he said I should word it this way) of Infamous O'Derby. Kathbert and their mother Botanist 53 provided emotional and artistic support. So without further ado, here we are performing "Si Bheag, Si Mhor" (pronounced she vag she vore), which means "Bonnie Cuckoo," and "Star of the County Down" (which is basically the same as the tune Kingsfold only in 3/4 instead of 4/4 time).

Famous Hat

Special Holiday Guest Blogger

Merry Christmas, everyone! What Richard Bonomo wanted for Christmas was a post written by ee cummings. It wasn't easy digging him up, so to speak, but I did what I could.

eskimos or as they are known

(in some circles) inuits; have

54 words for snow -

i look at snow and think how

can we sum this wondrous

stuff up in one

word?

clearly there is snowball

snow: for making snowmen and

snow forts and even, in the backyard of

famous hat - a snow loch ness monster

powder snow like sugar or even (it

may be said) cocaine - this is good

snow for skiing/per famous hat

hardingfele has professional

skis which can be

waxed and used in many snows, maybe

all 54 inuit - or eskimo - varieties

she found the snow today quite

enjoyable as she and famous hat

skiied

tho it was clearly snowman snow

famous hat begged to differ as

her no-wax skis stuck to the snow

ee

Today's Guest Blogger

Today on this blog we have a guest blogger. Please welcome James Fennimore Cooper!

That renowned chapeau Famous Hat escorted her redoubtable companion in mischief, the intrepid player of the hardinger fiddle, Hardingfele, and her young daughter Rockstar Tailor to the dining establishment of Jerkns to celebrate the yearly anniversary of the nativity of Hardingfele therein. Forthwith the females entered the venerable establishment and were greeted in most merry manner by old Saint Nick himself, who had taken up station at the entrance of that most felicitous center of hospitality.

Said Father Christmas: "Ho ho ho! Verily, young female, sit thee down upon my own kind knee and do prevail upon me to reveal thy inmost secrets. Now, what would thou request of me for that celebration of the Birth of Our Lord during which all small persons are wont to receive what they want?"

Said Rockstar Tailor: "Good sir, I do beseech thee to reveal thy true name, as I have long searched the annals of Google and am given to understand that the person of Father Christmas is no more a true one than that of the alleged Tooth Fairy."

Said good Saint Nick: "Ho ho ho! If it is so that thou believes not in the veracity of my existence, then am I given to understand that thou would want no part of the diminutive representations of such creatures as walk this earth that wait under yon tree in various and many colors?"

Said Rockstar Tailor: "Nay, I'll have me a toy! Whar's a feline? 'Tis that I want!"

Said Famous Hat: "O! good sir, despise not my petition, but know that last the sun set was the celebration of the birth of this fair companion of mine. Would that thou would give her a gift as well as her offspring!"

Said Father Christmas: "Come and sit on my knee and I will give you whate'er you wish."

Said Rockstar Tailor, though it was her maternal parent of whom the wish was requested: "I would ask for homes full of love and warmth for all those feline creatures who until now have roamed about alone on the streets of our fair town."

Father Christmas was well pleased with this request, as he had procured some several of these same creatures himself from the shelter wherein they await adoption. Then the females took themselves to sit at table and feast on such delectables as quesadillas and Belgian waffles. They spoke of disembodied orbs and the unpleasant habits of such creatures as comprise the simian family, and those who were privy to this most genial discourse were thusly turned away from their repasts and did not finish them, causing Hardingfele to cluck her tongue at what wastrels now populate this fair town. Rockstar Tailor did feast on her free Tuesday victuals and then was moved to decorate a sugar cookie with frosting of the chocolate variety and sprinkles of crimson and emerald as befitted this most celebratory of seasons as the round orb of the earth spins about it axis and the Old Year sees fit to bequeath his throne to his successor and all good Christians raise voices in laudatory praise of our God Who deigned to be born upon said orb.

JFC