Employee Memo

To: Famous Hat

From: Management

Date: September 1, 2010

Re: Why are you still here??

You were informed back on August 9, or something or other, maybe it was the 5th but we're pretty sure it was a Thursday, that we wanted you out of here. Of course we cannot termite you since you have that stupid Union backing you up, but we can always fantasize. At the meeting on the above date, you informed us that you were in agreement with this plan, and yet as of today you are still working here, or at least you are still sitting at your desk. (Since as we all know, you never actually do any work.) Let's go over this one more time.

1. We don't want any of you autists working here. You saw how we got rid of those two trainees who were "autistic" instead of trying to work with them. So even though you haven't tried to pull any of that ADA stuff and get accommodations etc., we don't have the time to waste on people who aren't perfect. So get lost.

B. We don't care for your kind, and you know what kind we mean: the kind with XX in their karyotype. (We don't know what moonshine has to do with singing along with pop songs in bars, but we have to sound all scientifical, being M.Deities.) You have seen how many female faculty we have forced out of here since you started, and even if you are a lowly peon, you know stuff we don't understand like about "even temperament" in music and we even heard you quote Shakespeare the other day, and that's not how ladies are supposed to act. So quit it, and quit this job while you're at it.

iii. You do not act in a professional manner; for example, you wear brightly-colored clothes, and you have plants in your office (including the one in the fish bowl), and you even went on a cruise. That, frankly, is not what we are looking for in an employee. So don't get with the program, just get out.

As the following, or we mean above, five points demonstrate, you are far from an ideal employee. So when are you going to get another job, already? As long as you are still here to cover when Light Bright takes her vacation in two weeks, we mean.

Sincerely,

The Management