Smackdown: Beowulf vs. Grendel

My first attempt at an Anglo-Saxploitation flick: Tiffy is here this weekend, so I was showing her how to make a movie using iMovie and Garage Band on Rich's computer Aquinas, which is a Mac. As I mentioned in a previous post, Rich's golden goblets seemed to be the perfect glassware to play Beowulf, so I pressed one of them into service. However, he doesn't have any tiki glasses around, so we grabbed a big, solid dark chocolate Easter bunny and used that for Grendel. Then, with apologies to Isaac Hayes, we modified the "Shaft" theme song and added a funk soundtrack from Garage Band. So here, for your viewing pleasure, is the epic battle between Beowulf and Grendel, with the graphic part about Grendel's arm being torn off omitted.

Famous Hat

Hey Hollywood! Here's a Movie Pitch for YOU!!

I have an idea for a movie pitch - Beowulf updated for today! It would be the first Anglo-Saxploitation flick. It even has a theme song:

(high hats) ch-ch-ch
(flute) doodle-oo
(guitar) wackita wackita

Who's the famous Medieval knight who never runs away from a fight?
Beowulf! Right on!
Who is the man, chop up Grendel for his homies, man?
Beowulf! Can you dig it?
They say this cat Beowulf killed one baaaaad mutha-
Shut your mouth!
But I'm talkin' 'bout BEOWULF!
We can dig it!

Plot premise: B.O. Wolf, Private Eye, has to come over from Jersey to help the NYPD foil the notorious drug lord Jose Grendal. Everyone is eager for his help but a jaded veteran, who feels Wolf is all talk and no action, so Wolf immediately springs into action to prove himself after a lengthy monologue regarding his feats back home in Jersey. In a dramatic fight scene, he shoots Grendal, whose last words are, "You can kill me, but you still have to deal with Mamacita!"

Mamacita Grendal is an old Cuban lady who tries to take Wolf down with santaria. After a terrific struggle, Wolf is victorious and is named commissioner of the NYPD.

After many years of keeping law and order in the Big Apple, B.O. Wolf finally meets his match in the shadowy Draco, who runs a crack house. (Or a crack home, depending upon who you ask.) In the tragic denouement, Wolf and Draco shoot each other fatally at the same moment. The final scene is a typical cop funeral, with the bagpipes and all that, and Wolf's #2 gives a touching speech about how he gave his all for his job, never even marrying, because just like in the original epic, B.O. Wolf shows absolutely no interest in chicks with the notable exception of Mamacita Grendal, and that ain't romantic. Of course, to make this movie marketable, it might be best to really make Wolf a composite with Shaft, so that he has babes falling all over him, because while closeted homosexuals showing off their masculinity may have gone over big in Medieval England, they aren't so popular in modern Hollywood.

Better yet, let's make it a Bollywood flick with lots of random song-and-dance numbers right in the middle of all the action.

Famous Hat