Church Organist Murder Spam

 

It's been a long time since I posted any spam, since none that I have gotten has been that interesting, and Hardingfele has ceased to send me any, or indeed even read this blog. But I did get a poetically worded piece of spam at my work email address. The outline is the usual: "My husband left me a large sum of money, I have no one to give it to and am dying, so I am offering it to you, Internet Stranger." But what got me is that it starts with how this person wants to go into "Godly business partnership" with me, and they got my "profound contact email" after fasting and praying. And it also links to a story about a church organist being fatally injured on Christmas Eve and then his widow (the alleged one writing the email) "played a leading role in an emotional candlelit service at the spot where he was attacked." Or at least, that what it claims the link goes to... I'm not so naive as to click on it. A Google search shows that there was, in fact, a terrible murder of a church organist as he walked to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve in England, so that's tragic. But I find it hard to believe that this same church organist also made a fortune working for an oil company. Are the scammers just thinking that I'll find this person, Alan Greaves, was actually murdered and he actually had a widow named Maureen? It says right in the Guardian article (which is at least ten years old) that the motive for the murder wasn't robbery, which would seem to imply the church organist had about as much money as you'd expect him to have, which is hardly any. It sounds like the two young hoodlums who attacked him were just drunk and bored. But I am impressed to know that my email is "profound." 

Famous Hat

Blackmail Spam

It’s been awhile since I posted any weird spam from Hardingfele, mostly because she hasn’t sent me any. (Nor does she read this blog anymore, from what I can ascertain.) But she did get this intriguing bit of spam the other day and forwarded it to me to put on the blog. The person appears to be blackmailing her, but the charges are so specific that it would seem to undermine his whole case. After all, if he just said he had sex tapes of her, maybe he could get somewhere (not with Hardingfele necessarily, but a substantial swath of humanity), but “fighting the purple helmet warrior”? How many people have actually done that? Unless that is some sort of euphemism for a part of the male anatomy that I have never heard before, but then why “fighting”? What kind of sex does he think Hardingfele is having, exactly? Here it is, somewhat edited for profanity:

Hi...

This will not take a lot of time, and so straight to the issue. I obtained a video of you fighting the purple helmet warrior while at the pornweb site you''re stopped at, due to an incredible arse software I have was able to place on several internet sites with that kind of material.

You hit play button and all of the webcams and a mic begin working it also saves every f--king thing from your pc, just like contact information, account details and stuff similar to dat, think exactly where i obtained this email from?) Therefore now we all know just who i will send that to, just in case you aren't planning to settle down this along with me.

I am going to place a account address below for you to hit me 570 $ within 2 day max via bi'тcоin. Notice, it is not that huge of a total to pay, guess this makes me not that awful of a guy.

You are welcome to do what ever da f--k you want to, yet if i won't find the amount within the period of time stated above, well... u already understand what will occur.

Therefore it's up to you at this point. Now i'm not gonna move through all the details and crap, just simply ain't got time for that as well as you possibly know that internet is filled with letters similar to this, so it is also your decision to believe in this not really, there is just one way to uncover.

This is my b'iтcoin address: ripoffartist

Have fun and remember that time clock is ticking... .

I love that this person wants to be paid in bitcoin. I suppose he thinks cryptocurrency is safer when you are making illegal transactions, but it also has a tendency to lose value suddenly. If I were to take up blackmailing as a career, I’d insist on being paid in little starter plants for the garden. Buying those things is expensive!

Famous Hat

Funky Concert on the Square

Wednesday evening was rainy, so Concert on the Square was postponed until last night. I really wanted to go, because they were doing the music of Earth, Wind, and Fire and Michael Jackson, so I asked other people if they wanted to go too, and they said yes… and then a neighbor extended an invitation to go sailing. It was hard to turn down a chance to go sailing, believe me, but this concert was worth it. Travalon and Jilly Moose accompanied me up to the Square, and Cali and a guy from our choir who does not have a name on this blog (yet) soon joined us. We went to a Mexican food stand for dinner, and I had a delicious shrimp quesadilla that my diet app helpfully told me was full of saturated fat. Maybe I should do like my hairdresser (I got my hair cut right before the concert) and go totally vegan… The first half of the concert was Earth, Wind, and Fire and was fantastic. Some of us felt the Michael Jackson covers in the second half weren’t quite as successful, although their version of “Billy Jean” worked. It was a perfect evening weather-wise, and a really fun group of people to hang out with. Maybe our neighbor will invite Travalon and me to go sailing some other time…

Today I got the funniest piece of spam at work. It's hilarious when people who are not fluent in English try to talk dirty: "Find out how tireless I am, share your vicious ideas with me and we’ll dirty the night away!" That really makes me want to click the link below it... NOT.

Famous Hat

Fruit Faux Pas

Today I did something really embarrassing. People tend to leave food on the table in our break room if it is for general consumption, and today while a coworker was washing her dishes in the sink, I noticed two mugs full of fruit and began helping myself. “What delicious fruit!” I said to my coworker. “I wonder who brought it?” “It’s my fruit,” she replied, and I realized I’d been eating her lunch! Oops, I guess you have to guard your food if it’s on the “public” table! She just laughed and said to help myself, it was too much fruit for her anyway. It was slices of nectarine and red grapes.

Hardingfele, who as far as I can ascertain no longer reads this blog, does send me spam now and then to post. She sent me the following:

Hi, purchasing manager.
Good day!
We are   sexy underwear sales

If you are interested in, may we have your inquire

We can According to customer's requirements or sample production  we will provide free sample to you

 Thanks for your valuable time.

Regards.

website: somethingthathasnothingtodowithunderwear.com

Hardingfele did not say whether she had attempted to acquire her free sample of sexy underwear.

Famous Hat

The Healthy Wonders of Eating Almond

Yesterday Handy Woman got the most interesting piece of spam, full of factual advice in broken English and not obviously selling anything. She was so fascinated by it that she forwarded it to me, perhaps not even knowing that I regularly post Hardingfele's weird spam emails on this blog. Here is the email:

HI

Lack of adequate nutrients in the body is one of the main causes of modern ailments that are constantly on the rise. This is why awareness is created on the importance of eating the right healthy foods that have essential nutrients. Almond is one of these foods that is classified as a nut and is available all through the year. It has numerous health benefits derived from eating it. These nutrients play a major role towards prevention or management of certain medical conditions. The cost of buying is almond is way cheaper than the expenses incurred in the treatment for heart related conditions. High level of cholesterol is the main cause of heart disease. Almond is rich in fats which are healthy to the body and helps in the reduction of LDL which if accumulated leads to heart ailments

Thanks Regards

Dixie

That's it - no link to a website selling almonds or anything. Is this the new craze - spam giving health advice?

Famous Hat

Spamarama

What a day. I got all the way through my morning prayers before realizing I’d done the ones for Tuesday, November 5… again. However, that’s not enough to make a blog post. It’s been awhile since I posted any spam, but today Hardingfele sent me the following:

HELLO,

   MY NAME IS JAMES WONG FROM SKY LANE CONTRACTORS WHICH IS LOCATED IN

CHINA.WE WILL LIKE TO ORDER FOR SOME PRODUCTS FROM YOU COMPANY TO OUR

COMPANY AT; James Wong SKY LANE CONTRACTORS

8 langjiayuan

Beijing City

Beijing Province

Zip/Postal Code:100022

0086-10-8456695

skylanecontractors@gmail.com

   WE WILL WANT YOU TO SEND US YOUR PRODUCTS WEBSITE OR SEND US YOUR

PRICE-LIST SO WE CAN SEND YOU THE FULL DETAILS ON OUR ORDER.I WILL ALSO WANT

TO CONFIRM IF YOU DO ACCEPT CREDIT CARD FOR MEANS OF PAYMENT.

  

REGARDS,

James Wong

SKY LANE CONTRACTORS

Hardingfele felt inspired to reply:

I don't have any products for you unless you want a lot of cat hair. I have it in orange, buff, Siamese or gray and white. I can also do a mix. The cat hair is weighed in grams and would be $100 per 100 grams.  The Siamese, being unique is $150 per 100 grams. Shipping and handling charges apply.  

Hardingfele

I will let you know what response, if any, she receives from SKY LANE CONTRACTORS.

Famous Hat

Spam Story

Hardingfele sent me some spam awhile back and said, "We should continue the story."

The knot beated and sat aloft like a peaceful contest dust had fray already from his concurrence to resolve his cider babble at tea, and was forever verbose, seeing that his residence was frowning and unattended.

ṋṭằɓẗ_ὴuḍ/?πṉṋuȏ

Father passy seems to grant been the first to shudder, actually in telegram, that anyone else all flounce in evidence against ear, and that, without bearing to his selfish intervention, till then more sideways loiter to an diving under the conciliating charcoal of the elders lever.

While this is all very poetic, I'm not sensing any plot arc so I am unsure how to continue it. The runes in the middle don't add anything to the action, which so far has just been description. Just for Hardingfele, I will continue with some action:

And then the werewolf zombie ninjas jumped out of the oak tree, and he was forced to defend himself with only a paperclip and a kosher pickle. Blood spurted everywhere. When the dust cleared, he was the last man standing. THE END.

Famous Hat

Spam Novel

This is a new one for me – I just received an entire novel by email. This has to be the strangest spam I have ever gotten. Apparently it is a very important novel. I guess this is one way to get your writing out there. Check out this introduction:

STRATEGIC INTERNATIONAL EMERGENCY

O My God

**********************************************************


Obey the law - report this emergency alert to the public.

INTRODUCTION:

Book review request, previously sent to the U.S. Congress and the news media in 2006; no response. They are very afraid, therefore you must be courageous.Perhaps now, only the youth can save themselves?

THIS BOOK'S MOVIE RIGHTS ARE FOR SALE; email: spammer@yahoo.com

In 2010, this book and movie rights offer was emailed to most of the Hollywood producers, directors, and some actors; no response. They are very afraid, therefore you must be courageous.

If I do not respond to you within one week, my email address has been blocked. Then email your movie rights offer to the U.S. President for forwarding: president@whitehouse.gov, or use: http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact/. He has my email address: spammer@yahoo.com

Translate this free book into all languages. Email it to everyone. Submit the meta names and text to the internet search engines.

All government employees are under payment, pension, oath, honor, and self-interest to report this emergency to the general public. Whenever you talk to them, especially military, law enforcement, and politicians, ask: "Have you reported the government emergency alert to the public?" Also, if American congress personnel have not received the order, Americans can (again) email them this e-book text. Find such email addresses at: http://www.congress.org/congressorg/home/.

The content of this book lives up to its main and chapter titles. Required reading for graduation from all high schools, save this file. If necessary, to read this book, copy the entire text, and paste it into your word processor, or pdf editor. Print out a copy of this book and gift it to your local library, or at least email the text of this free e-book to your library. Verify with the librarian that the library has made this book as accessible to the public as all the other books in the library. Send the title and website address only (http://international-emergency.webs.com/) as your only comment response to all online news articles, and as letters to the editor.

Put a link to the entire text of this book on all websites. Create websites that contain the text of this book. Use re-emailing (perhaps by anonymouse.org) to send this book to everyone who deserves happiness. Give awards such as Boy Scout merit badges, and the Medal of Freedom, to anyone who emails this book to one million readers, or more. IF GOD DESIRED YOU TO EMAIL THIS FREE E-BOOK TO ALL EMAIL ADDRESSES ON EARTH, WOULD YOU DO IT? Read it, at least chapters three and seven, then decide.

**********************************************************

Famous Hat again. I will let you know if this book lives up to the hype.

Famous Hat

Short Story in the Winning Style

Hardingfele and I entered a contest on Public Radio in which you are to write a story of no more than 600 words using the first line they supply. Unfortunately I cannot post this story on my blog yet since by the rules it cannot be posted anywhere else, but neither of us has high hopes of winning after spending last night reading the past winners. These stories all had an underlying theme which I would characterize as “suckiness.” Let me attempt to demonstrate using as the first sentence a piece of spam that Hardingfele received today:

My name is Eutropio Benedito a retired Portuguese Oil Merchant, Your reply is needed. Oh, you do not reply? Then I will call you Dulcinea of El Toboso.

I remember when El Feo came to town, this was when we had the Lenten processions on Good Friday with men dressed in black robes with towering hoods, like so many opponents of the Ku Klux Klan. El Feo was a very ugly man with only one tooth, and he smelled of motor oil and damp forests. Nobody knew where he had come from, but this did not stop people from talking, as it never does. I saw where he went, however. I kept this knowledge secret in my chest like a squirrel hoarding nuts, but it clawed at me as if the squirrel were trapped in my throat, trying desperately to escape.

The rains came early that year. They poured from the heavens and washed away the signs of struggle, the stains of blood. There was no more evidence of crimes crying to Heaven for vengeance. There was only what I had seen.

Sometimes a woman can be a terrible thing. She can speak loving words with those soft, lying lips and then use those same lips to kiss another man. Sometimes we see things we were never meant to see, and the vision burns into our memory, remaking us. Am I a saint or a sinner? Who is to stand in judgment of El Feo? I cannot say I would not have done the same.

When the moon rose full in June, El Feo left forever, and I will never be the same.

Famous Hat

How the Cat Made Hardingfele Catholic (And What She Sold About It)

Today I got the following email from Hardingfele:

So the cat outwitted us again and we last saw him on the neighbor’s roof.  We literally spent 3 hrs looking for him. I then took a walk around the neighborhood and in my Jewish Unitarian brain prayed to St. Tony.  I made a promise to go to Mass if that buff bastard was found. When I came back, there he was in the back yard. So I have to hold up my end of the bargain! 

And that is why Hardingfele is going to Mass with me on Sunday. This is such spamtacular news that South Korean spammers named TERRY (all caps) are contacting her to buy unspecified products:

Hello Sales, I will like to order some of your products and I will want it shipped to our place as follows : Shipping Address: #104 young, Ga-Dong Sewoon Shopping Center Jongro-Gu, Seoul South Korea So i hope to hear from you soon regarding my inquiry and to know where i can view your products you have presently in stock and if there is any special pricing i need to know about. Lastly regarding payment i will be sending you my USA Valid credit card to charge for my order to avoid delays but can you let me know the type of credit cards you accept?Can you work hand in hand with my client freight personal agent? so they can Pickup the products directly from your location down to my client address in SOUTH KOREA I hope to hear from you as soon as possible.

Regards.
TERRY

 Maybe Hardingfele can sell little St. Anthony medals.  Just sayin.'

Famous Hat

Tragic Spam

Hardingfele received this piece of spam, entitled: "Tragic Situation...Help Needed."

I'm writing this with tears in my eyes my Family and I came down here to London,United kingdom for a short vacation,unfortunately we were mugged at the park of the hotel where we stayed all cash,credit card and cell were stolen off us but luckily we still have our passports with us.

We've been to the Embassy and the Police here but they're not helping issues at all the bad news is our flight will be leaving in less than 8-hrs from now but we're having problems settling the hotel bills and the hotel manager won't let us leave until we settle the bills.

Am freaked out at the moment! I will need your help (LOAN) financially. I promise to make the refund once we get back home. Please let me know if you can help?

Pam McScammer

And here is Hardingfele's heartfelt reply:

Dear Pam,

You little pathetic scam artist with no brain capacity. You really think someone random will loan you money and believe that you lost all your money and no one in England is willing to help you. Really? Have you tried the Queen or Prince William? Maybe they could take you into Buckingham palace and you can drink tea and eat crumpets with marmalade as you tell her your tale of woe. I wonder what embassy you went to? The one for Cheatoslovakia or Scamistan? So sorry. I guess you will have to remain in England and work the docks. Be sure to acquire a thick Cockney accent to blend in.

Toodles,
Hardingfele

I have nothing to add. Do you? Feel free to put it in the Comments.

Famous Hat

Spam Lessons

If you can stand it, another 100% true Light Bright quote as she hung up the phone: "I hate repeating myself! I really do not enjoy it!"

It has been some time since I featured any spam on this blog, but Hardingfele got the most amazing piece of spam, asking her to teach the spammer's daughter. Teach her what? I will let it speak for itself:
 
Hello Teacher

I am writing to know If you can tutor my daughter for 6 weeks for summer. Her name is Caron, she is 14 years old ,I just don't want her to be less busy when she arrive in your location for her holiday so I just want her to get hooked up with one thing or the other. You know what I'm talking about. It can be on Music or Dance. Let me know how much you charge per hour and let me know the total for 6 weeks lesson. You can take her on any day convenient for you for 2 hours lesson per week. You can just take her at your convenient schedule. Please tell me your past teaching experience and make up lesson. I hope to read back from you soon. Have a nice time.

God Bless you
Best Wishes
Generic Waspy Name

Yes, GWN, we know what you are talking about! You just don't want her to be less busy when she arrive in our location. Completely understandable. You'll be reading back from us about our convenient schedule.

I have no idea how this scam works, but I have to commend the spammer for her (?) creativity.

Famous Hat

Romance at the Triathlon

Sorry for the sporadic blogging lately, I have been somewhat under the weather. Hardingfele sent me yet another piece of employment spam that is so wonderfully specific that how could I resist applying for the job? She received this email at 4:39 am with no subject line:

I have set aside 30% for your time and service. Please reply me with honesty

Wow! 30% for my time and service? You are too generous, Mr. Arab-Sounding-Name with an All-American-Name-for-Your-Email-Address!!

But what I really wanted to share today was this awesome "Missed Connections" ad Toque McToque found on Craigslist. Who says romance is dead?

Re: Ironman Triathlon
You: White male, about 6'2'' and 45 yrs old, brown hair, wearing expensive looking spandex and sperm-shaped helmet, walking west on W. Wilson
Me: White t-shirt, tan cut-offs, and small boobs, walking a reddish colored lab/chow mix, heading east on W. Wilson

It was around 9:30pm, and it appeared as though you had just finished the race and secured your spot at Kona. As you and your friends approached me four abreast on the sidewalk, my heart began to flutter. As I tried to move further to the right to avoid your somewhat muscular, somewhat doughy, large frame, the bushes brushed tenderly against my calf. I attempted to make eye contact, as I did not want my small, slender frame to damage your $8000 bicycle. That's when you noticed me, and those warm, gentle words flowed from your Gatorade and Power Bar stained lips.

"Excuse you", you said to me, as you pushed your expensive bicycle forward with an iron-manly thrust. And then just as quickly, you were swallowed into the enormous sea of other white, spandex and sperm helmet clad men, pushing their expensive bicycles down the sidewalk. I was lost for words at the moment our paths crossed, but have since had many thoughts I'd like to share with you.

If you think this is you, please respond to this post as soon as you return to your luxury condo in the suburbs. Maybe we could meet at a Panera or Starbucks in a mini-mall near your place and chat? I promise I'll park my Shwinn in back.

This woman is my hero(ine). Maybe I will write a Craigslist ad like this the next time someone is totally obnoxious. He will probably never read it, but she must have loved writing it!

Famous Hat

Spamtacular New Career Opportunity!

As my 5.8 faithful readers know, I am currently looking for another job. Just when it seemed that, due to the crappy economy, nothing is out there, Toque McToque's inbox comes to the rescue with the following piece of spam:

Greetings,

You can easily make $300-$1200 or more in a week by working for us as Sub-contractor in your geographical location,you will be in charge of collecting payment/commission on behalf of our organization thus Totally Legit International Cotton Plantation here in Republic Du benin. Does it sounds like your dream job?

Any job that does not involve M. Deities sounds like my dream job!

Note that no form of financial investment is needed from you.

Glad to hear it.

Your tasks are as follows:
1. Receive payment/commission from Customers.
2. Deduct 10% which will be your Commission/pay on Payment processed and remit our office here in Cotonou.

Wait... I'm seeing a potential problem... isn't 10% of 0 still 0?

If you are interested, please provide this information as requested below or in the application form attached with this email and send back to us as this assures our partnership.

I don't know about you, but it has always been my dream job to work in collections for a cotton plantation in Benin. Their application form is very simple too:

APPLICATION FORM
FIRST NAME.............Famous
LAST NAME...................Hat
ADDRESS.......................prefer Miz to Ma'am
CITY..............................yes, but I prefer the term "urban"
STATE............................clinically insane
ZIP CODE........................sorry, only know Morse code
COUNTRY...........................definitely not!
PHONE NUMBER................KX-TG5480 is the model, 5.8 is the gigarange
GENDER..............................female
MARITAL STATUS..............short
AGE............. ....................none of your d**n business
NATIONALITY..................not sure any nation will claim me!
OCCUPATION.................wasting time
EMAIL.................................no, I prefer snail mail

Famous Hat

Today's Guest Spammer: James Joyce

Funny that just yesterday I mentioned writing a post in the style of James Joyce, because today in my spam folder there appeared a refreshing piece of spam that neither asked me to accept large sums of money from a dying foreigner nor go to a questionable website to receive a kiss from a stranger. Instead, it could easily have been written by Joyce, because it is total stream-of-conscience with a hint of a story emerging:

Or challenging or inviting one another to go in swimming. The boys in the Boy's Town used to make the motion of swimming with both arms; or they held up the forefinger and middle-finger in the form of a swallow-tail; they did this when it was necessary to be secret about it, as in school, and when they did not want the whole crowd of boys to come along; and often when they just pretended they did not want some one to know. They really had to be secret at times, for some of the boys were not allowed to go in at all; others were forbidden to go in more than once or twice a day; and as they all _had_ to go in at least three or four times a day, some sort of sign had to be used that was understood among themselves alone. Since this is a true history, I had better own that they nearly all, at one time or other, must have told lies about it, either before or after the fact, some habitually, some only in great extremity. Here and there a boy, like my boy's elder brother, would not tell lies at all, even about going in swimming; but by far the greater number bowed to their hard fate, and told them. They promised that they would not go in, and then they said that they had not been in; but Sin, for which they had made this sacrifice, was apt to betray them. Either they got their shirts on wrong side out in dressing, or else, while they were in, some enemy came upon them and tied their shirts. There are few cruelties which public opinion in the boys' world condemns, but I am glad to remember, to their honor, that there were not many in that Boy's Town who would tie shirts; and I fervently hope that there is no boy now living who would do it. As the crime is probably extinct, I will say that in those wicked days, if you

And that's where it ends. Tantalizing, isn't it? What happens next? And what is the purpose of this bit of literary refuse? The only other thing in the email was a jpeg labeled "seamstress," which I was not crazy enough to open. It seems to be a story about a bunch of jeuvenile delinquents swimming without permission, although the line about "my boy's older brother" did puzzle me, since wouldn't the older brother of your son also be your son? Unless they are half-brothers. Luckily nobody ties shirts these days. How did they ever survive those terrible shirt-tying times? Count your blessings that you didn't have to live through that!

Famous Hat

Today's Guest Spammer: Faulkner!

As you may remember, Richard Bonomo had requested that I write a blog post in the style of William Faulkner, who is known for his "stream-of-consciousness" (i.e., run-on sentences) style. (Isn't it amazing how in English class they would tell you not write a certain way, and then they would force you to read things by authors who write like that? Case in point: Ernest "Small Words/Short Sentences" Hemingway.) I am not familiar enough with Faulkner to copy his style, although I understand he is something like James Joyce, and I could probably do a mean James Joyce. Maybe I'll have him write tomorrow's post.

Anyway, once again Hardingfele comes to the rescue, this time with some spam that was apparently written by the dyslexic love child of William "Who Needs Punctuation" Faulkner and ee "who needs capital letters?" cummings. How would Hardingfele ever know what was going on in her life without spam to tell her? As you may remember, she did not know she was selling her stolen bicycle or looking for an unspecified part-time job, and now she has just learned that she is selling her house:

Hey I noticed your trying to sell your home, i just wanted to let you know That God also put me threw that trial a not too long ago and well it was tough i mean i didnt want too and as embarressing as it was i was loosing my home because of the economy and things got slow at work it was almost heart breaking when i had to come home and tell my family my hours were cut from work so i really understand what your going threw, and i wanted to share with you how i overcame and turnned it all around in 1 week, it sounds hard to believe but man omg it worked for me and im the most non computer person i know, have faith and give it a try God bless you and yours, Learn How to Start.

Lest you are tempted to make an offer on Hardingfele's house yourself, let me assure you that Learn How to Start does not have his/her facts straight, and Hardingfele has no intention of selling her house at this time. After all, the ePlush llama she bought for me on that online auction didn't set her back that much. Speaking of cute plushie things, I ordered some for myself as a birthday present. I even had them delivered at work! As my faithful readers know, I love stuffed animals and stuffed germs, but behold stuffed food:


What is it? I left the tag on to give you a clue: "Plush Sushi." That's right, this is a little plush blob of wasabi and a little plush pile of ginger. Plush condiments: no funny aftertaste.

Famous Hat

Season's Greetings to You and Ivfboo from SPAM!

Just when I couldn't think of anything to blog about, Hardingfele comes to the rescue with another bizarre piece of spam.

Subject: Season's Greetings!

Dear friend,

I supposed that you'd be intrigued by this.
It's helped me when I needed it bad.
http://ripoff.com

Hope this helps

This was actually sent to a Southern belle named Ivfboo, judging by the email address, so maybe Hardingfele got it by accident because she has no idea what "it" is that the sender needed so bad. Is it the same "it" as the "it" that helped the sender? For example, if we replaced the word "it" with "cheese," the email loses nothing:

Dear friend,
I supposed that you'd be intrigued by this.
Cheese's helped me when I needed cheese bad.
Hope this helps

Of course, that still raises the question of what "this" is. Does this=it? e.g.,

Dear friend,
I supposed that you'd be intrigued by cheese.
Cheese's helped me when I needed cheese bad.
Hope cheese helps

Or are they two separate variables? If this email were an algabraic equation, perhaps it would read:

x=intrigue if y=help when y=need and x=help

However, when we break it down this way, we can see that both x and y = help, so therefore x=y. Or maybe not, since this is a conditional formula. Following this logic, x=y only when need=zero, so if you are a needy loser, you can just forget about intrigue. Who knew spam involved so much logic?

Famous Hat

Hoodoo Head Goes Ghetto

I have finally hit the big time - I have a follower! You know who you are, at least I hope you do, because I sure can't help you with that. I have no idea who you are. But welcome! Feel free to leave a comment about what attracted you to my blog: the constant raving about the evils of equal temperament? The random stories about my life? The doctored photos?

This is a true story I tested for entertainment value on A-Joz via email and also Mama Step when we got together last night. They both thought it was funny so I will share it with my entire blog audience of 4.8:

Curiosity got the better of me one day, and I looked at Hoodoo Head's MyFace profile. Of course, I couldn't see much but the picture, which was from about fifty feet away so I couldn't really tell what he looked like these days. Just as well, I shrugged, but once in awhile I would look and he had changed his profile picture. Not only that, but there started to seem to be a pattern: whenever I changed mine, he changed his to something with a similar theme. If my picture was a winter scene, even if I put it up in May, suddenly so was his. If mine was a full-body shot, then so was his. If mine was an extreme close-up, then so was his. Was this an enormous coincidence??? Was it even scarier, as Rich suggested, and we were somehow on some sort of identical cosmic wavelength? (OK, Rich, isn't that a little New-Agey for someone who goes to daily Mass?) Or was he trying to get my attention? Of course, it took about six of these profile picture changes before I decided this was not my imagination.

Luckily Hoodoo Head's name is also a noun, so I put up one of Palm Tree Fan's doctored photos of my bunny Cashmere, the one where she's conversing with Bugs Bunny, and I had him saying something about equal temperament with Hoodoo Head's name in ginormous letters. There, I thought, everyone else will just think, there's Famous Hat spouting off about equal temperament again! But if Hoodoo Head really was checking out my profile picture, maybe he would see that and knock it off.

What was his reaction? At first, nothing. Then he created a profile on another social networking website, and I could see more on it, like that he was divorced. And THEN he deleted his MyFace profile! I thought that was pretty funny, since the population of the other social networking site is, on average, younger, poorer, and less well-educated. So maybe he is trying to find himself a really young girl. Like a cougar, but the opposite; I believe in men it's known as "typical." He stated that he was looking for someone who can laugh and isn't selling anything, so maybe his ex was an Avon lady or something.

And because I know you can't get enough of it, some more spam received by Hardingfele:

From: Alejandro Weiss Münchmeyer
Subject: pop-line
Date: Tuesday, December 15, 2009, 9:28 AM

Dear firend: Thank you very much for your reading our email. You will finding a new place for shopping at Internet. New Year approaching, We sell electronic products as Laptop,Television, Phone, Camera ,PSP, Car DVD and so on .you are interested in our product, please visit our website : ripoff.com

best wish

Hardingfele has been called a lot of things, including Sales, but so far as I am aware, this is the first time she has been referred to as the end of a fire. (The question is: which end??) And notice how she only gets one best wish. You'd think he'd at least give her three, like a standard genie. She is particularly fond of his name: Mexican at the start, German at the back, and vaguely off-color. Clearly international spam.

Famous Hat

Oscar-Winning Screenplay

Yet again, Hardingfele gets the most bizarre spam that makes it sound as if she has been having an email exchange with someone. As you may remember, she was surprised to learn she was selling something unspecified. Now she has learned that she is searching for an unspecified position:

Hello.

I am sorry for the late reply. Are you still interested in a part time position? Please reply back your full name and phone number and I will contact you immediately with details. Do not forget to attach your latest resume or CV.

Thank You and have a wonderful day.

Hardingfele does not remember looking for a job anytime recently, but you have to admit that it's awfully tempting to apply for such a mysterious position. (Hey, we do know it's part time.)

My spam continues to be dying people who wish to have me help them donate their considerable fortunes to charity, although I was enchanted by the name in one of them: Silver Koroma. What a fantastic appellation! In fact, I will use it in my Oscar-winning screenplay. And how, you may ask, do I know that it will win an Oscar? Easy! It will incorporate all the elements of the most recent Oscar-nominated screenplays in it. For example, gays are good but the Catholic Church is evil. Abortion and euthanasia are ways for men to set women free. And if actors want to win Oscars, they just play someone with a disability. So here is a synopsis:

Silver Koroma is a young woman with a terrible rhythm disability which has left her tragically unable to dance at nightclubs. She goes to a priest for confession to admit she is pregnant, so he does all sorts of evil things to prevent her from having an abortion, thus showing that the entire Church is a corrupt entity only interested in things like preventing murder. However, Randi the Brave Queer helps her procure an abortion, but the procedure goes wrong and Silver is left in a vegetative coma. Randi the Brave Queer turns off the machines keeping her alive, despite great personal risk to himself of messing up his hair, since he somehow knows this is what she would want. And she died happily ever after.

Remember, you can say you knew me when! Write a comment on this post and maybe I'll give you a shout-out when I'm accepting my Oscar.

Famous Hat

Extreme Unction Spam

Although I never get spam as entertaining as Hardingfele does, I am now receiving people's last confessions, judging by the tear jerker below.

Hello my friend,

Hope this day finds you well?, I am Thomas Lynch Stevenson a South African merchant . I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer, It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live according to medical experts.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself) but my businesses, Though I am very rich but was never really generous,I was always hostile to people and only focused on my businesses as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.

Now that God is about to call me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends. I want God to be merciful to me and accept my souL, I have decided to give also to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations here in Mail, U.A.E, Algeria, Sudan, Europe, Kenya and some part of south american. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore.

I once asked one of a members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money inside,but he acted within him self and out of greed he kept the money to himself. Hence, I do not trust any one of them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them. I will want you to help me collect a huge deposit of (Twelve Million five Hundred Thousand U.S dollars)and dispatched it to charity organizations. this is lodge abroad in Europe and I have set aside 25% for you, then 5% for any expenses incured. None of my family members are aware of this deposit if otherwise they would have tried to acquire it.

If you are interested, please send your prompt reply to my private email address below if you are willing to assist me , sucka@gotcha.com

It is a real shame that his cancer has defiled all that medical treatment, but doesn't it warm the cockles of your heart that now he is reformed and has given all that money to charities in Mail and south american? What a shame that his greedy relative acted within him self! But how generous that 25% of the money currently lodging in Europe is earmarked for his favorite charity of all - me! I am so touched when people I have never met think to leave me large sums of money, which apparently is staying in a Swiss chalet or Italian villa or something. Heck, I don't need the money - just let me trade places with it! I'd love to be lodging in Europe...

Famous Hat