Catechism Cataclysm

Today when I asked Richard Bonomo how his Catechism class at Our Lady of Perpetual Sobriety went, he said, "We had a catechism cataclysm!" The ceiling had fallen down, which he later determined was caused by a leaky radiator on the floor above. (The OLPS school building is almost as old as the OLPS church building.) Just as he and his students had cleaned most of the mess up, the secretary came and said another catechist had not shown up, so they ended up moving to another room anyway. Then Rich taught both classes, and he said there were so many kids in there that they could barely move! Is it any wonder I don't teach catechism anymore?

Last night Rich hosted a party for our choir using the money we were paid for singing at the Monday wedding. It was a lot of fun, and his famous chocolate mousse tasted even better than usual. I had a tough day at work so I had a beer before dinner which went straight to my head, and A-Fooze said I was very entertaining. Guess I should have written a post then - can you imagine how it would have turned out? One of the altos told a great story about her brother, who lives in Vermont, traveling to Jamaica. A native offered him some pot, and he said, "This is great stuff! Is it from here?" and the Jamaican said, "No, mon. You heard of a place called Vermont?" Some people were playing a game that is a wooden labyrinth with two small metal balls, and one of the balls fell on the floor. As they were desperately looking for it (and it has yet to be found), Kathbert said, "You know, that game only came with one ball. I just bought a second one at the hardware store because I knew someone would lose it eventually." One person brought a talking George Bush doll that really annoyed Rich. The funny thing is that half the people are liberal and half are conservative, but it was one of the conservatives who brought the doll! Did he not realize it was mocking Bush? Rich said, "Why incite a political argument?" I still remain not so much a moderate as on the extreme left of some issues and the extreme right of others. I suppose you could split the difference and call me a moderate. I have always thought of myself as the anti-Giuliani since pretty much whatever side of an issue he is on, I am on the other.

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Catechism Capers

Yesterday Palm Tree Fan was at home with her new puppy, Leo. Partly this was to see how he would adjust, and partly it was to see how her first dog, Buddy, would adjust. Here is a picture of the boys in her backyard.

Leo and Buddy

And this is a picture she took through a knothole in a covered bridge. It has nothing to do with this post, other than that it is a very cool picture.

When A-Fooze and I were proctoring Rich's exam for his Catechism students, we looked over the tests as the students finished. All three children are Mexican, so when Rich wrote one question that said: "Bad angels are also known as 'Vikings.' True or false," they had to ask us what a "viking" was. A-Fooze said it was men that wore hats with horns, and I tried to clarify that it was a Norwegian pirate, but apparently all they heard was "horns," and then they must have thought of demons, because they all said True. Another question they all answered True to was: "There are three types of sin: venial, mortal, and deluxe." (Maybe that falls into the category of Things That Aren't True but Should Be!)

Kids can certainly come up with some interesting answers to questions; when I was teaching catechism and asked the class the first day how many gods there are, I got all kinds of numbers. They also have a tendency to think "God" is the right answer to ANY question. The worst thing is trying not to laugh about some of the answers they give you. Once a little boy told us that the first commandment is: "I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt have no strange gods before me." We were amused by his overly formal language, which led us to believe he had just memorized the commandments and didn't actually understand them. My co-teacher asked him, "That's great, but what does that MEAN?" and he thought very hard for a moment, brightened, and said, "You can only have strange gods AFTER Him!" Another time one of my kids said to another one who kept talking out of turn, "Man, you're the most annoying robot I ever created!" Say what? Of course, this was the same kid who, when another kid forgot to put his name on his paper so that I had to do it, said to him, "Man, you're always making her do your dirty work for you!" However, the single funniest moment may have been when I was giving the kids a test that the catechism director had written, and one of the kids complained about a question on it. I wasn't sure what to say, since the question really was ambiguously worded, and the kid realized I was sympathetic to his complaint so he stood up and began punching his test. When I asked him to please sit down and finish his test instead of beating it up, he replied, "But it said somethin' bad 'bout my Mama!" I couldn't help it - I laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

You will be relieved to know that I am no longer teaching small children how to be good Christians.

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True Adventure: Catechism Captive!

At my church (let's call it Our Lady of Perpetual Sobriety), we have a small parking lot that is always being used by non-church folks (or, as we refer to them, poachers). I first ran into this problem one year on Ash Wednesday, when the parking lot was so crowded that I had to park someone in, figuring I would run right out the moment Mass was over and release whoever it was. To my surprise, three people were already standing by the car when I dashed out of Our Lady of Perpetual Sobriety (OLPS) the moment the priest gave the final blessing. How did they beat me out here? I wondered, failing to notice that they did not have ashen crosses on their foreheads. One man was very annoyed and said to me, "Is this your car?" I said yes, sorry, I got out the moment Mass was over. (I couldn't understand why he was so annoyed, since it had JUST gotten over.) He said to me, "Who the *@$# parks likes that?" and I said, "You know, sir, maybe you should consider giving up being a jerk for Lent!" His two friends laughed, and to my surprise so did my friends when I told them this story. They were the ones who first clued me in about the fact that I had undoubtedly parked in a poacher.

Since that day, I have been very protective about OLPS's parking lot and have chased many a poacher away. (My favorite Mary is Our Lady of Guadalupe, who looks like she could kick your @$$, and I'm sure you've realized by now why that is!) So this morning I was railroaded into teaching catechism for Richard Bonomo, who is presently on a plane to Japan, although many other people were available. I regularly taught for a number of years at OLPS but for the last two years I've been enjoying sleeping in. So this morning I dragged myself out of bed, drove through a snowstorm, and was peeved to find the OLPS parking lot completely full. On a Saturday morning?!? I spotted a guy who was clearly a slacker, with an African drum slung over his back, and I asked if he were there for church business. He replied that he was there for parking business, since it was a public parking lot, so I pointed to the sign that clearly stated it was only for people on official OLPS business and reiterated my question: "Are you here to go to church or to teach catechism or something?" He wanted to know if he should move, so I said yes, unless he was planning to teach. He told me his father was a preacher so he could do it, although he was not Catholic. So I told him he'd better.

When I came into the school building of OLPS, where we teach small Mexican children to be good Christians, the DRE told me that another regular teacher had not shown up, so he was putting that class in with Mr. Bonomo's. Nothing like having 23 small bilingual children staring at you! But to my surprise, my hostage did show up to teach catechism, and he wasn't half bad! The DRE took me aside and asked who he was, so I explained that this was his penance for poaching in our parking lot. Captive Catechist (Mr. CC) told the children the most whacked-out version of the Temptation in the Garden that I'd ever heard, but since it was basically correct, I let him do it. I was pleasantly surprised to find out he knew some Spanish (as do I) so the small Mexican children realized they couldn't pull anything over on us. One boy also has Downe's Syndrome and was bouncing all over, but Mr. CC got him engaged with a beach ball globe. He literally had the whole world in his hands! The other kids enjoyed playing on the drum, and then we took them over to the church, which somehow survived the post-Vatican II wreckovation that ruined so many other churches. Mr. CC's breath was taken away.

"This place is gorgeous!" he said in amazement. (The small Mexican kids and I were more used to OLPS's incredible beauty, since we get to see it at least once a week.) Then we sang some Advent and Christmas songs while Mr. CC played his drum and the Downe's Syndrome kid played with the whole world. We prayed a decade of the Rosary, went back to the classroom, and played Catechism Trivia and Catechism Hangman, which Mr. CC had the clever idea of showing Jesus on the Cross. Luckily, one of the kids realized the word was "Advent" before Jesus was crucified! Then the bell rang for Angelus, meaning class was over. I had survived my enforced teaching, and so had my hostage! He even said he enjoyed it.

So a word to the wise: if you plan to park illegally in the parking lot of Our Lady of Perpetual Sobriety, don't be surprised if I force you teach small Mexican children to be good Christians.

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