Sunday, January 31, 2010
Here are some important words in Spanish, if you do visit Mexico:
joyeria = jewelry store (see? it even has the word joy right in it!)
cerveza = beer
no = no
damas/mujeres = if you have two X chromosomes, be sure to use the restroom that says this, and not the one that says hombres or caballeros. (Although I maintain that I am only a mujer and not in any way a dama, I still use bathrooms marked with that word.) IMPORTANT: if you have a Y chromosome, do the opposite.
Since I am blogging from the ship, I will wrap this up and hopefully have a recap with loads of photos and maybe even a brief movie or two by Tuesday.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Cruises are fantastic. Here is the average day for Tiffy and me: eat, watch sea creatures, swim, sleep, buy bling, eat, sleep. I could get used to this life. Palm trees! Sun! Ocean! But we only have a few more days, and I only have a few more minutes so I´ll sign off now.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Yesterday we were at sea all day, and in the morning we saw dolphins playing in the waves beneath our balcony. Later in the day we saw more dolphins, including a mother and baby, and a great big sea turtle swimming beside our ship. I can't complain about the amount of sea life we have seen on this cruise! It has been awesome!
Did you all have fun at work yesterday? At 10 am Tiffy and I sat by the pool and drank mango mai tais while listening to a calypso band. At 2 we went swimming in the saltwater pool. At 7 we watched the tropical sunset. After a delicious dinner and decadent dessert, at 10 we went out and looked up at the stars. I could get used to this life!
Today we went up on deck to watch the sun rise over Acapulco, then we took a boat ride to watch the cliff divers. To my surprise, this is not an ancient tradition but a promotional stunt Hedy Lamarr dreamed up to promote her husband's night club. Fascinating the things you learn on these tours! The cliff divers were quite spectacular, and then they swam over to our boat for some well deserved tips, and then we all had beer and traditional Mexican food. Awesome! Acapulco is incredibly beautiful, with lots of cliffs and palm trees and the turquoise sea.
I did have a bad shock when I tried to purchase something a few minutes ago, and my card was declined! They had put a hold on it because they didn't expect me to be buying things in Mexico, I guess. But we got it all cleared up, so it's all good. I called from the store but couldn't hear a thing, so Tiffy pointed out the pay phone/internet area and I was able to make a collect call to my credit card company AND blog for cheap! I love Mexico!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Rich: Yes, I did get to Mass yesterday in Cabo San Lucas. There is no priest onboard the ship (and believe me, they have heard about this!) so next Sunday there isn't much I can do. I was thinking that for such times, Mass in a Bottle would be perfect, but then people would use it if they just wanted to sleep in or whatever. Not as good an idea as my 1-800-CONFESS, the 24/7 confession line, although you said that wouldn't work either because it has to be in person.
Palm Tree Fan: Lots of palm trees!!! Tiffy and I are taking pictures and I will probably get a chance to post them next Monday or Tuesday. Sat under the palm trees today in Mazatlan after swimming in the Pacific. While you were at work.
Hardingfele: Lots of sea creatures here! We went on a whale tour and saw a mama and baby humpback whale - so cute! And an adorable little dolphin swam right by our ship, just below our balcony yesterday, and this evening as the sun set we saw a bunch of dolphins leaping out of the water. Loads of pelicans, and of course sea gulls, and these beautiful big black birds with white throats and long forked tails, I think they might be called frigates...?
Anna Banana II: Today in Mazatlan we saw the highest elevation lighthouse in the world. It was on top of a beautiful, rugged island.
A-Fooze: You are SOOO jealous, aren't you? Guess what? A diamond store has a promotional gimmick where they give you a cheap gold chain and a little charm at every port where they have a store.
If I forgot anyone, sorry! Gotta go now - I've already spent $10 updating this silly blog!
Friday, January 22, 2010
I drove to Tiffy's house, then we went down to O'Hare to catch our flight to San Diego. Tiffy had gotten me a window seat and an aisle seat for herself, so she was avidly watching the standby list to make sure nobody would be sitting between us. (Since she travels so much, we got slightly larger seats, not first class but better than the regular ones.) She was very hopeful that nobody would be between us; however, just as we had settled in our seats with my Famous Hat sitting on the empty seat between us, a dark lady with bleached blonde hair burst onto the plane trailed by her middle-aged twin and a preteen boy. She looked at the available seats, told her mother (?) to sit across the aisle in the middle seat, and guessed that two twenteen-something women would be a safe bet for her little boy. She told him in a foreign tongue to sit between us, and I asked in Spanish if he spoke any English, but he replied in English that he was Turkish. However, he was studying Spanish in school, so we sometimes used that to communicate.
I am terrified of takeoff, but I had brought a word game puzzle magazine to distract me, and the boy was fascinated by it. I turned to the sudoku page, since that does not require any grasp of English, and he quickly caught on and helped me solve a puzzle. However, he spent most of the flight sleeping on my shoulder. It was a long, hot, boring flight, although they did show a very interesting documentary on the South Pacific narrated by a man with a British accent, and I found a sort-of hip hop station on the satellite radio. There was quite a bit of turbulence, so we couldn't get out of our seats for most of the flight, and then my ears were in agony during the descent. However, we landed safely in San Diego without crashing at all, in no small part thanks to Jinx the No-Crash Dinosaur, I'm sure. (There is not a scanner here at the hotel, but maybe when I get back to work, I can scan Jinx and post him on this blog.) We got off the plane and immediately saw palm trees, beautiful beautiful palm trees. I hugged one and said to Tiffy, "Look! I'm a tree hugger!" Then we found the shuttle to our hotel.
Tiffy and I were the first ones in the shuttle, so we asked the driver if we should sit in the back seats, but he said no, since we were prompt, we could make the others sit in back. Then a foreign woman in a fuzzy red jacket sat shotgun, and an elderly couple arrived so we had to move back anyway. The lady turned to me and said, "Thank you girls for moving," but for one surreal moment I thought she said, "I saw you in the movie." THAT would have been bizarre! Sure, I was wearing my Famous Hat, but that's kind of a joke. How many people have actually watched my videos on YouTube?
The foreign woman in the fuzzy red jacket was, oddly enough, from Georgia. Yes, that Georgia, halfway around the world. (See my previous post.) She was here on business, but her company had only reserved the room and not paid for it, and she didn't have a credit card with her. (For some reason she thought Georgian credit cards would not work in the US.) She asked if she could pay cash for her first night, but they said no, she had to get them a credit card number. Of course it was like four in the morning in Georgia, so I'm not sure how exactly they expected her to do this. I was on the verge of letting her crash in our room, and Tiffy was on the verge of paying for her room herself, but we felt a little weird to be so forward with a stranger, so we just wished her good luck. Hey, I just saw her walking through the parking lot, so everything must have worked out for her. How funny that she walked by as I was writing about her!
This morning I couldn't stand it any longer and got out of bed at 6:30, since that's 8:30 in my world. (I will adjust soon enough.) It is a cool, rainy morning here in San Diego, and I walked around a little and found a convenience store that sells aloe cream and sun screen, since you can't bring more than 3 ounces of liquid on the plane. As far as I know, Tiffy is still asleep. And now I will play ePlush, since nobody is waiting for the computer.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
I have never been 100% convinced Rich is actually a member of the human race, even after finally meeting his "mother." When Toque McToque asked me where his home planet was, I speculated that it was somewhere in the galaxy of Ultraplumberia, which can just barely be seen with the naked eye in the constellation of Joe the Bidet. She wondered if there were really any constellations shaped like toilets, and when I googled it, lo and behold! The Chinese sure think so! Note the chart below, which I shamelessly stole from Wikipedia:
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Here is a full-body scan of him. I am totally addicted to a particular game on ePlush and have become so proficient that I always win the championship. Would this make me the world champion? Anyway, Ynka can take all the credit. He can be world champion.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Or challenging or inviting one another to go in swimming. The boys in the Boy's Town used to make the motion of swimming with both arms; or they held up the forefinger and middle-finger in the form of a swallow-tail; they did this when it was necessary to be secret about it, as in school, and when they did not want the whole crowd of boys to come along; and often when they just pretended they did not want some one to know. They really had to be secret at times, for some of the boys were not allowed to go in at all; others were forbidden to go in more than once or twice a day; and as they all _had_ to go in at least three or four times a day, some sort of sign had to be used that was understood among themselves alone. Since this is a true history, I had better own that they nearly all, at one time or other, must have told lies about it, either before or after the fact, some habitually, some only in great extremity. Here and there a boy, like my boy's elder brother, would not tell lies at all, even about going in swimming; but by far the greater number bowed to their hard fate, and told them. They promised that they would not go in, and then they said that they had not been in; but Sin, for which they had made this sacrifice, was apt to betray them. Either they got their shirts on wrong side out in dressing, or else, while they were in, some enemy came upon them and tied their shirts. There are few cruelties which public opinion in the boys' world condemns, but I am glad to remember, to their honor, that there were not many in that Boy's Town who would tie shirts; and I fervently hope that there is no boy now living who would do it. As the crime is probably extinct, I will say that in those wicked days, if you
And that's where it ends. Tantalizing, isn't it? What happens next? And what is the purpose of this bit of literary refuse? The only other thing in the email was a jpeg labeled "seamstress," which I was not crazy enough to open. It seems to be a story about a bunch of jeuvenile delinquents swimming without permission, although the line about "my boy's older brother" did puzzle me, since wouldn't the older brother of your son also be your son? Unless they are half-brothers. Luckily nobody ties shirts these days. How did they ever survive those terrible shirt-tying times? Count your blessings that you didn't have to live through that!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Anyway, once again Hardingfele comes to the rescue, this time with some spam that was apparently written by the dyslexic love child of William "Who Needs Punctuation" Faulkner and ee "who needs capital letters?" cummings. How would Hardingfele ever know what was going on in her life without spam to tell her? As you may remember, she did not know she was selling her stolen bicycle or looking for an unspecified part-time job, and now she has just learned that she is selling her house:
Hey I noticed your trying to sell your home, i just wanted to let you know That God also put me threw that trial a not too long ago and well it was tough i mean i didnt want too and as embarressing as it was i was loosing my home because of the economy and things got slow at work it was almost heart breaking when i had to come home and tell my family my hours were cut from work so i really understand what your going threw, and i wanted to share with you how i overcame and turnned it all around in 1 week, it sounds hard to believe but man omg it worked for me and im the most non computer person i know, have faith and give it a try God bless you and yours, Learn How to Start.
Lest you are tempted to make an offer on Hardingfele's house yourself, let me assure you that Learn How to Start does not have his/her facts straight, and Hardingfele has no intention of selling her house at this time. After all, the ePlush llama she bought for me on that online auction didn't set her back that much. Speaking of cute plushie things, I ordered some for myself as a birthday present. I even had them delivered at work! As my faithful readers know, I love stuffed animals and stuffed germs, but behold stuffed food:
What is it? I left the tag on to give you a clue: "Plush Sushi." That's right, this is a little plush blob of wasabi and a little plush pile of ginger. Plush condiments: no funny aftertaste.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
What's it like to be a red blood cell? Why has nobody written a novel yet from the point of view of one?
Do ferns remember that their ancestors used to rule the world? Do they ever think to themselves, "Darn those angiosperms! We would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling blooming plants!"
At the Epiphany service at the Lutheran church, they kept invoking God with these weird titles I had never heard before, like "Inclusive God" and "Welcoming God." The Moslems have 99 names for God, but they are not that out there. I wonder what the oddest title is that God has been called? And which one is His favorite?
Should @$$hole be an ethnicity? But if it were, would they demand special protections? Would @$$holephobia become a crime? Would you be able to get a BS in @$$hole Studies from your more PC four-year universities? And what kind of job could you get with that?
Who would take it in a smackdown, a dime or a nickel? A dime is worth more, but the nickel has the size advantage.
I wonder if they will ever come up with a use for pumpkin guts and that little stem on the top? Then pumpkins would be the most efficient thing ever. You could use every part!
What were the people doing who discovered you could eat truffles or that you can write dirty words upside-down on a calculator? Were they actually trying to do that or did they discover it by accident?
Am I crazy for wondering these things? Don't answer that, unless you are trying to get an advanced degree in @$$hole Studies.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
At home, my Christmas was wonderful, but it was ridiculous at work. My boss gave me food I'm allergic to, and everyone else gave me presents in inverse proportion to how much they ask me to do the rest of the year, so the worst slave driver gave me nothing. I got Christmas cards from the company that sells us coffee, a hotel who wants our business, and a former trainee who is a devout Moslem. Seriously, I sometimes feel like my life is being scripted by a sitcom writer. OK, Writer in the Sky, can the next plotline involve something more exciting, like winning the lottery?
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
About a week before my birthday, Hardingfele asked me to make a wish list of the ePlush animals I wanted, which she then promptly lost. She did remember the llama was on it, being (as my faithful readers may remember) my favorite animal. (Of course I love rabbits too, but aren't they just really small llamas? Look at their ears!) She looked all over for it and couldn't find it in town, so she won it in an online auction and then wrote me a poem to let me know it would be arriving soon. Sort of an IOU, except it was a UGL - U Get Llama. Unfortunately, she did not save the poem but just printed it out, and I cannot now find the piece of paper.
Here is a reconstruction from Hardingfele's memory:
This plush toy is for Famous Hat
It's not as famous as Buddy the cat
It's in the mail to Tailor's mama
So in a week you'll get a llama
But for something called the "Lost Llama Poem of Hardingfele," that just does not seem epic enough. You would expect something on scraps of parchment or a few hieroglyphs scratched into a rock wall, e.g.:
In the days of the Holy King Loo,
In the land of Kensa Djitha,
When sinners and sages walked with the Gods,
And the [unreadable] sought the mysterious
Llama of Hardingfele,
There came from the East men of such appearance
As to frighten all who looked upon them;
And when the King saw them... (fragment ends here)
Then there was much feasting in the Halls of Montsharaal,
And the Llama of Hardingfele [unreadable]
That was godes cynig!
Or, you know, something like that.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
On the back there are tantalizing hints, but no indication of where this place is, other than somewhere in the United States. It gives the following clues:
- Very progressive city
- Strongest economy in mystery state
- Warm climate
- Wonderful family-oriented community
- Two major universities
- Perennial hotbed of economic development
- Idyllic lifestyle known throughout mystery state
- Volunteerism is a passion here
- School system continues to lead the mystery state in test scores
- A number of national chains have recently opened because of area's prosperity
- A Tom Fazio designed golf course ranked #1 in mystery state by Golf Digest
- You can play golf all year long!
Austin, Texas - a progressive city in a state where people drive their Bugattis into the lake and then blame it on pelicans
Tulsa, Oklahoma - just because they think nobody would believe there could be anything cool in Oklahoma
Minot, North Dakota - they're lying about the warm climate
Omaha, Nebraska - it's warmer than Minot!
Anywhere in the Panhandle of Florida or the Appalachian Mountains - they promise all your clients won't be inbred freaks!
Wherever this place is, it needs some more self-esteem. Come on, Mystery City, Mystery State! You can't be so uncool that you can't even mention your own name for fear of scaring off all prospective employees!
Monday, January 4, 2010
Subject: Season's Greetings!
I supposed that you'd be intrigued by this.
It's helped me when I needed it bad.
Hope this helps
This was actually sent to a Southern belle named Ivfboo, judging by the email address, so maybe Hardingfele got it by accident because she has no idea what "it" is that the sender needed so bad. Is it the same "it" as the "it" that helped the sender? For example, if we replaced the word "it" with "cheese," the email loses nothing:
I supposed that you'd be intrigued by this.
Cheese's helped me when I needed cheese bad.
Hope this helps
Of course, that still raises the question of what "this" is. Does this=it? e.g.,
I supposed that you'd be intrigued by cheese.
Cheese's helped me when I needed cheese bad.
Hope cheese helps
Or are they two separate variables? If this email were an algabraic equation, perhaps it would read:
x=intrigue if y=help when y=need and x=help
However, when we break it down this way, we can see that both x and y = help, so therefore x=y. Or maybe not, since this is a conditional formula. Following this logic, x=y only when need=zero, so if you are a needy loser, you can just forget about intrigue. Who knew spam involved so much logic?