Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Goin' to Jail.... Somewhere

I am going to jail… and I don’t even know where! This is one of those March of Dimes fundraisers, where I am supposed to raise $1000 in bail (contact me if you would like to help out), but today we found out the restaurant where we were going to be in “jail” just closed abruptly yesterday. So I do not know where I will be in jail. However, this did not stop me from writing a blues song, which I composed in a vanillin-induced craze after eating a cookie. Sing it to any tune you want.

I don’t wanna turn up my volume,
I don’t wanna send this to ten friends.
(You forget who you’re talking to?
You think I even got ten friends?)

Quit sending me dumb s—t over email.
I don’t care about the Latvian scuba team.
I don’t care about that missing five-year old.
I don’t need no free cone full of ice cream.

Don’t tell me that I don’t believe in God
If I don’t send your dumb@$$ email on.
Don’t send me something you need me to see
After 4:20 – cuz I’m already gone!

Quit sending me dumb s—t over email.
I don’t care if Obama never goes to church.
I don’t care if I can get V!agr@ (whatever that is) for cheap.
If I really wanna know, I’ll do a Google search.

For once could you send me something interesting,
Like the GNP of Antarctica last year
Or how to make heavy water at home
Or where I can find the darkest beer?

Quit sending me dumb s—t over email.
Stop it NOW before I come over and kick your @$$.
I wish you’d never learned how to type
If you’re going to send me this stuff with no class.

Famous Hat

Monday, August 29, 2011

The Renaissance Faire

This past weekend Mamastep, Tiffy, and I went to the Renaissance Faire down in the border area – you know, the area where you see people in Packers gear AND in Bears gear. (We even saw a guy in a Vikings shirt!) Mamastep and I actually drove to Tiffy’s house the night before and stayed up way too late playing Angry Birds, a stupidly addictive game. It was enough to make Tiffy want an iPad.

The Ren Faire was so much fun. We got there just before opening time and left just before closing time, and in between we watched jousters, sword fighting, falconry, and acrobatics. We went shopping, and I bought some amber jewelry. Mamastep and I got henna tattoos; mine is a Celtic symbol on my ankle. I will post a photo soon. She got a beautiful floral design around her wrist.

People wear everything at the Ren Faire, and this weekend there were a lot of people dressed in steampunk. They even had a steampunk costume contest we watched. Tiffy had not heard of steampunk before, but the aesthetic pleased her. The guy who won had a contraption on his back that actually lit up! There was also a woman’s category and a couple’s category. Overhead, there was a creepy absinthe fairy watching the proceedings. I forgot my camera, but Mamastep took plenty of photos, so hopefully she will remember to send them to me so I can post them.

I was happy to see that, while most people at the Ren Faire were white, there were certainly many people of other colors there too. It’s good to know we white people are not the only ones crazy enough to dress in corsets and chain mail for no reason. (We actually did not wear any garb this time, so I was wearing an Aloha shirt.) After all, everyone’s ancestors lived through the Renaissance! There were even people of various colors in the steampunk contest. Nerdiness – not just for white people anymore!

We did not find anything but toy wooden swords with the symbol of the Isle of Man on them, which is kind of a bummer. I would have loved a necklace or something. We did see a unicorn just before the jousting. Seriously. It was a white horse with sparkles in its mane and tail and a stuffed horn on its head. And I hadn’t even had any absinthe!

Famous Hat

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Further Proof Rich is an Alien

For years some of us have wondered if Richard Bonomo isn’t a being from a distant planet trying to pass as a human. There is, for example, his inability to smell. I know (thanks to the Goddess of Research, Toque McToque) that 1% of the population is anosmic, but there are other hints, like his imperviousness to temperature extremes. Rich will walk to Mass in a three-piece suit in August and go outside in a T-shirt in February. When I said that I would love to take a hot air balloon ride for my birthday, but unfortunately my birthday is in January, he said, “It should work even better then since the temperature differential would be greater.” I said, “Exactly, it would be COLD,” and he said, “Oh yes, I failed to take the comfort factor into account.” What would this indicate if not that on his home planet, a range of temperatures like we experience here in the Midwest would barely register?

Today the final proof came when a local news station forgot to renew their domain name. Toque, Kathbert, and I all had this problem, but Rich said he did not have this issue. “I’m looking at it right now,” he emailed me. “Have you emptied out your cache?” Yeah, guess what? That didn’t help us normal humans! But somehow Rich still has access to this website the rest of us cannot see. What other explanation can there be but that his peeps up in the Mothership are beaming it to him so that he can be appraised of local developments?

Famous Hat

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Take Back the Seasons!

Why are so many people who are into “Celtic” culture neopagans? They aren’t even real pagans, like Celts were before they found the truth of the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church. (I realize that subsequently some Celts have become Protestants, but every family has a crazy cousin who joins a cult.) This annoys me to no end, and it would annoy you too, if you had ever attended a neopagan wedding that was held outdoors in late October. Monotheism has its advantages when you’re freezing and they still have more gods to invoke.

I was thinking we could take back the Celtic love of the seasons from the neopagans by having special prayer services for the equinox and solstice. For example, for the equinox we could have a prayer such as this: “Eternal Father, You give us this day of equal light and darkness to remind us that Your Son and the Holy Spirit are equal in power and majesty to You.” Or for the winter solstice: “Eternal Father, You give us this day when the light begins to increase to remind us that the Light will always conquer the darkness of sin.” I haven’t thought of a good one for the summer solstice yet, but feel free to leave your ideas in the comments.

Famous Hat

Monday, August 22, 2011

Meeting the Parrot

Last night I finally got to meet the parrot. Kathbert and A-Joz came too, since they were also possibly interested in owning the parrot, and Richard Bonomo came along out of curiosity. Toque McToque took us over to Mom McToque’s house to meet Sunny, a small yellow parrot with an orange head and green wings. She was very pretty and quite friendly, but her current owner reminded us that she does have a loud squawk, so in the end none of us went home with Sunshine. However, Kathbert really wants the parrot, so I’m sure it won’t be long before she caves.

In the afternoon, before meeting the parrot, I went to a local ethnic festival (what ethnicity? all of them) with Jilly Moose, Luxuli, and her husband. Luxuli and I wore the same skirt, the same color blouse, and black hats with wide brims. I don’t have a picture, but Jilly Moose took one. Anyway, we looked like twins, if Luxuli were my much thinner and more Korean twin. We watched one of my former bands play, and there have been quite a few personnel changes so now there is only one woman in the band. Knowing this woman, I’m sure she likes it that way. Imagine a woman in her 60’s who dresses like she is in her early 20’s and looks like she hasn’t eaten since her teens. She must have heard thin was in and figured in that case, the starvation look is what gets looks. The band is still really good, and it was fun to hear those songs I used to play all the time. Still, I did not get nostalgic for being in the band. Some things are better enjoyed from a safe distance.

Famous Hat

Friday, August 19, 2011

Praying Myself Fit

Sadly, the little palm tree that was growing in my red dracaena’s pot died, but I have a new mystery plant growing in the pot with my baby mango tree. It is a monocot and looks very much like a calla lily. How random is that?

They say to fight fire with fire (but they also point out that the fire department uses water), so I have a new plan for weight loss. Since my slow metabolism seems to be directly linked to my Irish genes, why not get in shape in a very Irish Catholic sort of way, say by praying the rosary? I have been walking home while praying it and running a rosary at the health club. This idea occurred to me because I am good about doing my daily prayer routine, so what if I exercised while praying? While I have not actually lost any weight yet, people say I am looking fitter lately. Of course, this only works with exercise I can do while focusing on prayer. I do not foresee doing pushups while praying the Sacred Heart Chaplet – too distracting.

Anyway, this is my plan for praying myself fit. If it succeeds, maybe I will write a best-selling book about it, and you my faithful readers can say you read me when.

Famous Hat

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Scanned Images: Trinity Rosary

Here is yet another new rosary bracelet; they are my new obsession because I can pray them as I walk home from work. It takes three sets of mysteries for me to get home, or I can pray one set of mysteries and that gets me to a bus stop. I love this rosary bracelet because the beads have little trinity symbols on them. It is a Lourdes rosary, and the little medal on the end is Our Lady with the three children at Lourdes.

Famous Hat

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Knock-Out Contest

Last week Hardingfele told me that there are knock-in mice as well as knock-out mice. (Wonder if they knock in the firefly gene to make the mice glow? That would be excellent.) She wondered what you would get if you crossed a knock-in mouse with a knock-out mouse, and I said clearly you would get a knock-knock mouse. She said there has to be a joke there somewhere, but I could only come up with this:

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Knock knock!

Who’s THERE???

Knock-knock mouse!

Pretty lame, I admit it, but it’s about time there was another Famous Hat Contest, and this is the perfect opportunity. Leave your best knock-knock mouse joke in the comments, and the best one (as judged by me) will win a valuable prize to be determined at a later date. If nobody has one, then I guess I win by default. So let me hear those jokes!

Famous Hat

Friday, August 12, 2011

Turkey Army Photo

Here is a picture of Toque McToque and her Turkey Army in pickelhauben. Remember, photos don't lie!

Famous Hat

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Turkey Army

As you can see, I have had writer's block for a few days now, but tonight Toque McToque told me something blogworthy. It all started because her sister has a sun conure named (terribly originally) Sunny, which she has to give away, so Kathbert and I were eager to make Sunny's acquaintance and see if she liked either of us. We were supposed to meet on Saturday, but that didn't work out, which is why I went kayaking with Rich instead. Then we were supposed to meet tonight... but that didn't work out, either. Since I had bought some delicious chocolate-covered raisins and almonds from the Nut Man for Toque, I stopped by her house anyway, and she was telling me about the wild turkeys she feeds every morning. Yesterday she didn't see them anywhere, but there was a hawk about, so maybe they were hiding. This morning she saw one, and then it called toward a field, and a bunch of turkeys came running, so she figured it must have been the sentinel telling the others, "She's here!"

So why is Toque taming the turkeys? She said she is going to raise up an all-turkey army, and she will be standing there in her fatigues with a bunch of turkeys as tall as she is standing behind her menacingly, ready to face down anyone who might think to give her guff. She promised to attempt to get (or at least Photoshop) a picture of her Turkey Army, so I will be ecstatic to post that when and if.

OK, I know this post has nothing to do with WWI, but Toque is a "big" (she's actually quite petite) World War I buff, and it's her army, and I couldn't find a better label I have already used. It seems I have never blogged about turkeys (or even Turkey) before, but since Turkey had a significant role in WWI (blowing up the Parthenon), and Toque's army is turkey, there is a connection. Sort of.

Famous Hat

Monday, August 8, 2011

Bikes Are Groovy

As my more astute readers may have noticed, I did not blog on Friday. This is because I was on the annual Fat Tire Tour bike ride and pub crawl to celebrate the birthday of the Daughter of Dennii. This year Hardingfele and her office mate accompanied us, and they had a great time but wanted to leave after the fourth stop. Honestly, I never make it much beyond that myself, so I left with them. Someday I will stick it out to the bitter end…

At the first rest stop we had jello shots and fun prizes like absinthe-flavored dental floss and wasabi-flavored lip gloss. The coolest prizes were probably these little plastic mice to put on our handlebars, and whatever color the mouse was, its nose lit up that color. I got a blue mouse and a green jingle bell; Hardingfele got a green mouse and a blue jingle bell.

This year the ride’s mascot was Pepper the Boston Terrier (in a past year it was Sid the Hedgehog), and I bought a commemorative T-shirt but wore the one from last year, which said: “Bikes are groovy!” and had a penny-farthing bicycle with psychedelic designs between the spokes. Hard to get cooler than that!

After about 30 miles on a bike on Friday, I wanted a very different kind of exercise on Saturday, so Richard Bonomo and I went kayaking. In the evening I made brownies with raw chocolate chip cookie dough (found the recipe online) for a deck party, and we watched a beautiful sunset and then had a bonfire and tiki torches to light up the night. Some partygoers made s’mores using peanut butter cups instead of chocolate pieces, but I couldn’t eat another dessert after having one of my own brownies and a homemade red velvet cupcake. Then last night Rich, Kathbert and I had a delicious dinner including a bunch of vegetables from our garden: green beans, tomatoes, an eggplant, and a very large zucchini. And of course leftover brownies for dessert!

Famous Hat

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Almost Studious

As my regular readers know, Toque McToque and I are always thinking up new grant proposals that we plan to (someday) submit to the NIH. Here are a few of our best ones:

The Tropical Origins of Lagomorphs: Why Does Bunny Like Banana and Papaya? (Involves travel to tropical islands)

The Evolutionary Origins of Schadenfreude: Why I Enjoy Watching You Suffer (You can't handle knowing what this one involves)

Are Humans Naturally Crepuscular? (Involves lots of napping)

Since we haven't actually submitted any of these grant proposals, Toque maintains that we are "almost studious" and suggested having a modified Rosie the Riveter as our logo. And here she is!

Famous Hat

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Tragic Spam

Hardingfele received this piece of spam, entitled: "Tragic Situation...Help Needed."

I'm writing this with tears in my eyes my Family and I came down here to London,United kingdom for a short vacation,unfortunately we were mugged at the park of the hotel where we stayed all cash,credit card and cell were stolen off us but luckily we still have our passports with us.

We've been to the Embassy and the Police here but they're not helping issues at all the bad news is our flight will be leaving in less than 8-hrs from now but we're having problems settling the hotel bills and the hotel manager won't let us leave until we settle the bills.

Am freaked out at the moment! I will need your help (LOAN) financially. I promise to make the refund once we get back home. Please let me know if you can help?

Pam McScammer

And here is Hardingfele's heartfelt reply:

Dear Pam,

You little pathetic scam artist with no brain capacity. You really think someone random will loan you money and believe that you lost all your money and no one in England is willing to help you. Really? Have you tried the Queen or Prince William? Maybe they could take you into Buckingham palace and you can drink tea and eat crumpets with marmalade as you tell her your tale of woe. I wonder what embassy you went to? The one for Cheatoslovakia or Scamistan? So sorry. I guess you will have to remain in England and work the docks. Be sure to acquire a thick Cockney accent to blend in.


I have nothing to add. Do you? Feel free to put it in the Comments.

Famous Hat

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Blossoms and Rosaries

Here are two true stories for my readers to ponder:

1. Did you enjoy the photos of Mom McToque's daylilies? Weren't those pretty? A neighbor asked to take photos of them, and Mom McToque said sure. Early Saturday morning she got up to go to the Farmer's Market, and she saw her neighbor cutting some flowers. Since when does receiving permission to photograph a person's garden mean you can help yourself to the flowers??  Her neighbor knew she was busted, so she sent a message via Toque's husband, on a 3x5" index card, about how she had "honest and pure" intentions: her camera wasn't working, so she was going to press the flowers for her daughter. Oh, that makes it all OK, right? Whatever.

2. I ordered yet another rosary online, this one a bracelet with beads in pastel colors and a Celtic cross. Yesterday it arrived in the mail, and I realized it was for a child, because my wrists are pretty small and it didn't fit me. I don't remember seeing that in the online description! What to do? I combined it with an anklet, and then it fit around my wrist twice. Here is a picture of the kiddie rosary bracelet with the anklet around it.

Famous Hat

Monday, August 1, 2011