Monday, May 31, 2010

Sock Monkey Socks

Today I went kayaking for the first time, and all I can say is how did I live all these years without doing it before? Now I love canoeing, but kayaking is even more fun. You're closer to the water, and you get more water on yourself while paddling, and best of all, you don't have to cooperate with anyone. (I must not be a cooperator by nature.) I went with a friend who owns two kayaks, and we paddled around a lake which some of my nuttier religious acquaintances insist on calling Angel Lake, with bluffs looming on either side. It was a perfect Memorial Day, and then we had lunch sitting on a patio overlooking the river, which was even perfecter. I'm sure the crowd biking out to Mount Horrible didn't mind that I blew them off for a better offer (sorry, but water sports are always a better offer), since I was then not along to slow them down.

Anna Banana II had a date this weekend, and he bought her monkey socks, which sounds kind of charming. It also got me to thinking: there are monkey socks, and of course there are sock monkeys, but where are the SOCK MONKEY SOCKS? That's what I'm talking about. This must now be added to the list of things I wished existed, like the Hawaiian shirt sweater and the "piso mojado" tent and the word "cardinary." Perhaps there are sock monkey socks out there somewhere. If so, feel free to leave me a comment about them or, better yet, send me a pair. I promise to put them on, take a picture of my feet, and post it on this very blog.

Famous Hat

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Famous Hat at Brat Fest

Yesterday I asked Hardingfele if she and Rockstar Tailor wanted to go to the Farmer's Market, and she suggested we walk, which in theory was a really good idea since it is about three miles round trip. In practice, since it was about 115 F and 238% humidity (or at least that's how it felt), Tailor and I thought we were going to melt, but Hardingfele (in her usual sympathetic manner) called us both wusses. We did manage to survive, and after only five gallons of water and six hours of rest, I was ready to brave Brat Fest.

Brat Fest is a very large festival in which people eat brats and drink beer and stand around right in my way when they are not bumping into me. There are a number of stages about twenty feet apart, each one with a very loud band on it, and Hardingfele's husband played guitar on one of them so we watched him for a little bit. Someone sitting at our table knocked over a beer, so Hardingfele cupped her hands, caught the beer running off the edge of the table, and drank it.

"See?" she crowed. "I got my beer!"

I did what I came to do, which was eat a brat and have some Brat Fest ice cream, which is bright yellow and red colored and cookie dough flavored. A guy I work with said his band was playing, and I saw them, but someone else was drumming for them. Hmm... Rockstar Tailor wanted to go on some rides, but by then Richard Bonomo had joined us and he had no interest in rides, so we headed back, picked up Kathbert, and blatted for awhile at Rich's house. Then I went home and read a very dangerous book recommended by Banjo Player: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Warning: This book may cause you to literally stay up all night reading.

Since I never went to sleep, I didn't have to get up for Mass - I just went. After brunch with the choir, I came home and napped until having dinner at a Mexican restaurant with Jilly Moose and OK Cap, who both asked for the address to this blog so maybe they are reading it. If you are, hello, ladies! Now I am at Rich's house blogging while he and Kathbert are talking. Tomorrow they are going to take a long bike trip to Mount Horrible (which lives up to its name), but I am going to wimp out and go kayaking instead.

Famous Hat

Thursday, May 27, 2010

A Purely Hypothetical Scenario

This is a purely hypothetical scenario: say there were two dames working in an office, and one was the department secretary but the other had a higher level job. Now say the secretary left and was replaced by someone really smart, who did a much better job, so she was asked to do more. Now say this dame got sick of the place, but because she had been doing more, they reclassified her job so that the next person was at a higher level. But, hypothetically, if the new dame were not as smart as the dame she replaced, she would be making more money for doing less.

(Remember, this is all purely hypothetical. I’m not saying it has anything to do with Toque McToque and Light Bright.)

Okay, now imagine the new dame is confused by her pay stub and asks her office mate to explain it to her. Remember, this office mate has a higher level job, but to her shock she finds the new dame is not only making A LOT more than the previous dame, she is making more than the office mate! At a lower grade level job? This does not seem very fair, especially if the office mate had hypothetically been in the system for years and she had hypothetically been working previously as, say, a barista.

Of course, even hypothetical worlds can, in theory, have karma, so hypothetically the new dame might end up not getting that big fat paycheck because she could possibly do something like staple her time sheet to a reimbursement form she is preparing for someone else, and so instead of going to Payroll, it would go to Accounting. In theory she might not even notice this until Accounting calls to ask why she sent them her time sheet. Just sayin’ it could happen, not that it necessarily did. Or that the previous dame practically wet her pants laughing when she heard about it theoretically happening.

Famous Hat (in theory)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

My Cousin's Wedding: Part Three

At the reception for my cousin's wedding, which was inside the country club, Tiffy and I were assigned to the "Buster" table; each table was named after one of my cousin's many cats, her brother's cats, or her friends' cats. My parents, one of my uncles and his wife, and a photographer also sat with us. Dinner was fine, and the cake was fine, but I was really happy when the music started because apparently my cousin likes hip hop as much as I do. So there I was on the dance floor with the bride and bridesmaids, who were all in their early 20's, and I knew all the songs as well as they did. When I finally sat down (after the requisite dancing of the "Cupid Shuffle"), my mom asked me in surprise how I knew the words to all those songs. I shrugged and said, "They play them on the radio all the time." My only disappointment was when I asked the DJ if he had "Pon de Replay" by Rhianna and he said he did, but he played every song by her BUT that one. Small disappointment, I know, since I LOVE LOVE LOVE the song "Rude Boy." And to be fair, maybe he played it after I left at the early hour of 11:00 pm. (Things went on for at least another two hours, from what I hear.)

The next day we had a picnic in a nearby park, with Danish treats, leftovers from the rehearsal dinner, two kinds of potato salad made by the bride's brother, and Dora the Explorer cupcakes. One of my uncles wore a bright red shirt and bright yellow baseball cap, so he matched the red and yellow plasticware perfectly. Then Tiffy, my parents, and I went to the Lincoln Park Conservatory, got separated while desperately searching for a parking space, admired the tropical blooms, and met up again unexpectedly right outside the conservatory. My parents were staying in Chicago another day, so they headed off to have dinner with other family members. Tiffy and I had sushi and then drove back to her house.

Sunday was Pentecost, and my choir director had begged me to come back because they were singing a Schutz piece he knows I love. Part of my brain must have wanted to, because I woke up very early to get back on the road, but then some other part of my brain must have wanted to keep sleeping, because then I dreamed I drove home and went to Mass, but things kept getting weirder and weirder until I really woke up... and by then Mass was long over, never mind that I was two hours away. It was a hot day, and Tiffy and I lazed around until I headed back to town, arriving just in time for 5:00 evening Mass. (They didn't do the sequence - bummer. But I have only myself to blame, because both my church and the Lutheran one did the sequence.) Then my OTHER choir director had Rich, Kathbert, Cecil Markovitch, the still-single B-Boy, and me over for a delicious dinner made of food he had bought at the Farmer's Market the day before, and we hung out on his pier until the sun was setting and the bugs started to get too bad. Then we went inside and had rhubarb cheesecake. A wonderful weekend!

Famous Hat

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

My Cousin's Wedding: Part Two

So here Richard Bonomo and I sit outside a bookstore/cafe with free Wi-Fi, since we got here two minutes too late to get inside. (Rich really wanted some hot cocoa.) He just finished fixing my washing machine, which is currently doing a load of laundry, and I took him out to dinner to thank him, and then we were going to stop by the cafe, but unfortunately it had just closed. Fortunately it is a beautiful late May night, so we can just sit out here using the Wi-Fi.

Here is a picture of me doing my civic Illinois duty by picking up a piece of trash while wearing my "Service Day" T-shirt (and holding the dressy duds I changed into for the wedding). Tiffy kindly took this picture of me volunteerin.'

Five, Six, Pick Up Sticks (in Illinois)

This is a picture of the petals one of the flower girls "scattered." As you can see, she wasn't completely sure of the concept, so she just dumped them all in one place and then proudly told her mother, "All gone!"

"Happy Wedding" Pink Flamingo

Cake #1
Cake #2
(Please don't submit these to Cake Wrecks! They are homemade!)

Romantic montage assembled by Tiffy

Not choklad? That's funny, it tasted like it!

This was a Danish chocolate nut bar from the picnic the next day. The groom is from Denmark, so his family brought some Danish treats for us to enjoy.

Famous Hat

Oops! Too Many Pets! How'd THAT Happen??

Since I still haven't downloaded the photos from my cousin's wedding, and since Hardingfele really wanted me to blog about this, "My Cousin's Wedding: Part Two" will just have to wait. This is apparently something Hardingfele found on Craig's list. She says:

Not sure what is more pathetic, the fact that she is rehoming by the weekend or the fact that this woman is functionally illiterate. I mean what is a purebread cat, wheat or white?

And here is the text of the ad:

2 year old persian cat

150$ must find home by the weekend she is so sweet but the land loard says she must go i have 3 cats and can only have 2 her name is bea she is a purebread. and the is not a big rehoming fee.

I don't know about you, but I am not sure I believe this is a purebred Persian. (Or a purebread, for that matter.) Her fur doesn't seem quite long enough, and there isn't a good shot of her face to determine if she has the classic flat face of a real Persian cat. Anyway, it does seem that if you are going to ask someone to pay you $150 to do you the favor of taking your cat off your hands post-haste, the least you could do is use some correct grammar and remember to turn your spellcheck on. Remember, "the" is not a big rehoming fee, though I'm not sure anyone ever said it was. One hundred fifty smackaroos, on the other hand, that ain't chump change. And how did this person end up owning three cats if she knew the rules indicated she could only have two? One can only suppose her math skills are as keen as her spelling skills.

Famous Hat

Monday, May 24, 2010

My Cousin's Wedding: Part One

I am safely back from Chicago and have only one thing to say about the traffic down there: whiskey tango foxtrot?? Where are all those people going all the time? And almost all the cars had multiple people in them, so can you imagine if they drove one to a car like the fools around here? Of course I don’t have one of those I-passes, since I’m not driving on the tollway that often, so I brought a roll of quarters and a roll of nickels and had basically used them up by Saturday afternoon. Almost every toll herded us non-I-pass peons to the furthest right lane, but of course there was one toll where cash users were supposed to go to the left, and by the time I realized it, there was nothing I could do. Fortunately the state of Illinois is so generous as to allow you to pay your missed tolls online.

The wedding was very beautiful, and I have lots of pictures but haven’t had a chance to download them off my camera yet. It was in a gazebo behind a country club, and my father, who is an Anglican minister, presided over the ceremony. Tiffy was laughing through his entire sermon, and afterwards she said, “I ought to have your dad do my wedding if I ever get married!” I cannot remember the entire thing, of course, but I will try to reproduce the highlights here:

He talked a good deal about my cousin’s genealogy, and how if our rich British ancestors hadn’t sold their property on the North Shore, we’d all be millionaires today. Then he said he knew nothing about the groom’s family, but since he was from Denmark, my dad assumed he had the same qualities of “Minnesota nice” that Norwegians and Swedes do. He said in the Victorian era, blue was the color of purity rather than white, but people don’t worry about that in this day and age (and I heard Tiffy make a little gasp because my cousin is expecting), but that they should have spiritual purity. Maybe Tiffy can remember some more of the sermon. It left me wavering between squirming in embarrassment and trying not to burst out laughing.

Since it was an unpaid day off of work on Friday, and they had strongly encouraged us all to use the day for volunteer activities, I wore the T-shirt they had given me and had Tiffy take a picture of me picking up a piece of trash. In another state! Where there are actual Bears fans! Am I a good Samaritan, or what? (At the rehearsal dinner I had commented that I was probably the only Packer Backer and the only Papist in the room, but one of the bridesmaids said she is Catholic too.)

This post has gone on long enough, so I’ll continue tomorrow, hopefully with some pretty pictures.

Famous Hat

Friday, May 21, 2010

More Pineapple Easter Island Head

As promised, here are some more pictures of Pineapple Easter Island Head with only its eyes left. It is still pretty cute. I told Toque McToque that I was having pineapple smoothies every day and hopefully I wouldn't OD on pineapple, and she said she didn't think that was possible. She said, "If you drop dead, it would be for some other reason." However, after several days of this pineapple-intensive diet, I started to get a really bad stomach ache and wondered if my peptic ulcer wasn't totally healed and I had really aggravated it with all that pineapple. Wouldn't that be a wacky death certificate: "Cause of death: perforated ulcer caused by pineapple overdose." However, I found some leftover medication, so it's all good, and none of Pineapple Easter Island Head went to waste.

Famous Hat

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Pineapple Easter Island Head

My blogging for the next few days may be sporadic, since I will be out of town for my cousin's wedding. This is the same cousin who, when I was in college, asked if she could be the flower girl in my wedding. I told her, "Honey, by the time I find someone, you could probably be a bridesmaid. Who knows? Maybe you will even be married first!" And how prophetic those words have turned out to be! So I am heading to the rehearsal dinner tonight, the wedding tomorrow, and then hanging out with Tiffy on Saturday. (My choir director begged and pleaded for me to return by Sunday, since it is Pentecost, so I guess I will. You would think I was the only alto in the choir... and I'm really a first soprano!)

Thanks to Banjo Player, who took a picture of my pineapple Easter Island head with her cell phone. Unfortunately, I did not think to take any "before" pictures of the pineapple qua palm tree, but this is much cuter anyway. I did take some pictures after coming home, when the nose and mouth had fallen off but the eyes were still in place, and it is still very cute so I will post those at some point. This morning I finished off Easter Island Head and his little strawberry and grape friends in a yummy smoothie, at least the fourth one I got out of them. (Lots of people brought fruit to the potluck party, so I had plenty of leftovers.)

Famous Hat

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

A Night at the Fake Irish Pub

Last night I went to a restaurant which is both a "stealth chain" and a fake Irish pub. (For the record, I didn't choose where dinner would be.) A number of other people were there, including the Capricorn from Oklahoma (hereafter known as "OK Cap"). I had a liquid meal of a bowl of clam chowder and a pint of stout, and when the waiter brought our bill with a little suggestion card, that REAL Irish stout kicked in and I had to fill it out. The first question: Date. So I wrote, "No, just friends." OK Cap laughed and said, "I can't wait to see what you write on the other side!" I said, "I'll get there in a minute."

They wanted comments so I provided the following comments: "If your card store frog croaks, can you get a refund?" and, "Like I always say, never repeat yourself." Then they asked what I would like to see on the menu in the future, and since someone at the table had just mentioned getting some haggis in a can, that was an obvious choice. OK Cap watched with interest because she couldn't wait to see what I would write on the other side of the card.

The back side of the card asked for suggestions. In the spirit of making the fake Irish pub more authentic, I happily gave them the following suggestions:

* holographic palm trees
* Easter Island heads that shoot whiskey out of their noses
* silver ketchup
* free drinks for all Capricorns (OK Cap approves of this one)
* a priest in case we need to go to Confession
* a shark tank
* complimentary Fake Irish Pub umbrellas
* menus in Gaelic (suggested by the guy to my left)
* a Fake Irish Pub radio station, which would only play hip hop
* more room on the suggestion card

Our waiter loved my suggestions and promised to share them with his manager. He even promised that they would be implemented by the next time I darkened the door of Fake Irish Pub. I figure it's only fair to give them three or four months, so look for a report on the updated look at Fake Irish Pub sometime in August.

Famous Hat

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Toner Pirates!!

As my 4.8 regular readers know, my office mate Light Bright is a very sweet girl but - how shall I put this? - easily fooled. Although I am not sure I wouldn't have fallen for this either: she got scammed by toner pirates. Here is how it went down:

A woman called Light Bright and said we were due for more toner, and had we gotten the information about the price increase? Light Bright said she hadn't, and neither had I. So far as I knew, we had a contract with our two copiers so we just called the company and got more toner without any charge, since it was part of the contract. The woman wanted to verify our address, and I said it hadn't changed but she kept insisting that she wanted to verify it, so finally Light Bright gave it to her. (We were talking to her on LB's speaker phone.) That was several weeks ago. Then last week we got a toner cartridge in the mail, and we were both surprised, since we didn't remember ordering one. So it sat, unopened, on my desk - which, as it turns out, was a good thing. Because today a bill came in the mail for Light Bright from some company I had never heard of with a very generic name. I was puzzled because we had never gotten a bill for a toner cartridge before, so Light Bright called the company we have a contract with, and that's when they told us it was TONER PIRATES!! Now most people think of pirates taking things from you, not sending you things in the mail, but here's the thing: they wanted to charge us over $500 for a toner cartridge that retails for around $80 and can be found on legitimate websites for as little as $65. Can you imagine? 625% profit? What a scam!

I did a little research on Generic Company, Inc. and found that the Better Business Bureau has given them an F rating. This is their usual modus operandi, exactly what they did to us: they call to say you are due for more toner, and you may not be thinking and just assume you are speaking to the company with whom you have a contract. Then they tell you there has been a slight price increase (like 625%). When the toner arrives, there is no return address on it so that you can't just return it to sender, but that's OK, we just wrote their address on it. Light Bright had actually called Generic Company, Inc. about returning the toner, and the guy she talked to was very rude and said they would have to set up a return account. My online research showed that other people had been taken in by this as well, because then they will charge you a "reshelving fee" which is still more than the cost of the toner. So if anyone calls you saying it's time for more toner, just tell them no thanks, you know they're toner pirates.

Famous Hat

Monday, May 17, 2010

Warning: Disgusting Photo Below

The other day I saw a billboard advertising hospice care, with a serious-looking middle-aged woman pondering the idea. On the other half of the billboard was an ad for vodka with a young, scantily clad woman on it who resembled Lady Gaga. The worst part of all is that both ads had the same lime green color for their background, so that it really looked like there was a connection between serious end-of-life issues and heavy drinking.

Last week as I was walking down the hall, a guy in his early twenties was walking the other direction. In one hand he grasped a bottle of cola, which did not strike me as odd. However, in the other hand he was holding a gallon of skim milk. Milk and cola? Skim milk and cola??? Richard Bonomo would insist that skim “milk” is not really milk, so for his sake let me put it this way: chalk water and cola?

Yesterday I went to a choir party for my OTHER choir, and I had promised to bring a palm tree to the potluck (since I had no idea what to bring), and then when other people looked at the list and asked about it, I had to follow through. I took the top and the skin off a pineapple and pinned some fronds made of green construction paper onto it. Somehow during the course of the evening, my pineapple palm tree morphed into an Easter Island head. I was hoping to have a photo to show you (hint, hint, Banjo Player) but have yet to receive it, so you will have to console yourself with a photo from the weekend before. Warning: it’s disgusting.

Eat what you get and don't have a fit,
Even if there's a bug in it!
-- Rockstar Tailor

Famous Hat

Friday, May 14, 2010

Friday Afternoon Famous Hat Musings

Here are some more random musings of mine:

Last night I went to the Lutherans’ Ascension service instead of the Latin Mass at my own church for a number of reasons (dinner beforehand, music during the service, choir practice afterwards), and the pastor had misplaced his sermon so he ad-libbed, and it was the funniest sermon I have ever heard! My favorite line was probably when he was talking about going to the dentist earlier that day, and he told the hygienist that “We’re gonna get Jesus in our teeth tonight!” I got to wondering, do people actually do a better job under pressure? Would his sermon have been nearly as funny if he had preached the one he had carefully written? Probably not. Back in college I used to write my papers the night before they were due in a caffeine-fueled frenzy, and I would always get A’s and comments about what great papers they were. One day I decided not to procrastinate… and that paper only got a B. The lesson was clear, and I went back to my old system.

They say St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland, but they do not specify what sort of vehicle he used. I was thinking about it and imagined his ride as a tricked-up sky blue Lincoln Towncar with bad@$$ rims and a monster stereo system with sick bass, but maybe Pat was a sensible guy and drove a Honda Accord. Or maybe for that many snakes he had to use a semi…? It’s so hard to say, since nobody gave any indication of exactly how many snakes went on this road trip with him. And what was their destination? The closest place is England, but you can’t drive there, and nobody says he “sailed” the snakes out of Ireland. No, they clearly indicate that he “drove” them. So maybe he had some kind of hovercraft.

I am very frustrated with Garage Band because it does not appear to have the capacity to play twelve-bar blues in its Magic Band function. There are a “blues” function and a “slow blues” function, but they are eight bars… and major key! I need a minor key blues backup band that can play in twelve bars, helloooo, this is supposed to be the blues and that means sad, right? The reason I need this is because I am attempting to write a sequel to “Salsa Linguistica” called “The Booted Out Blues,” which would fit perfectly with the instrumental part of Robert Johnson’s “Crossroads,” since that must be the song I think of when I think of the blues. Twelve bars and minor key. It’s very sad, because it’s a song about how ash and thorn were booted out of the English alphabet even though they would be perfectly useful today, seeing as how they represent sounds we still use in English.

That’s enough musing for one Friday. Feel free to add your own musings in the comments.

Famous Hat

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Hat Family Crest

After some research, I have discovered the Hat family coat of arms and the history behind it. The story begins when Mheadora Ua Thad (pronounced Fedora O’Hat) set sail for France but was captured by Irish pirates, despite the fact that he was an Irish pirate himself on the way to raid some French castle. He escaped to Scotland, an untamed land full of thistles and Picts, and settled in a place between the River Doo and the River Wop, in an area known as the Doowop. Then he lit a fire on top of a hill, and the Picts tried to put it out, but they were held back by the hand of God. To celebrate, Mheadora Ua Thad drank so much whiskey that when he looked in the mirror, he saw three of himself looking back. That is why the Hat family coat of arms features three hats.

To further complicate the story, some Hats eventually migrated back to Ireland (and some went to France, Mheadora Ua Thad’s original destination, where they are today known as Chapeaus), and they converted back to the ancestral religion of Catholicism. Today there are many Hats in this country from Scotland who are rich Protestants. I am no relation to them, so quit asking if you can borrow money. I don’t have any of that Hat fortune. My kin are all poor Irish Catholic hats, just like Mheadora Ua Thad, and we don’t have any money but we have plenty of rosaries, so I would be happy to pray for you. Or at least tip my Hat to you!

Famous Hat

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

More Excuses for Not Blogging

Last night I went home and cleaned, and as I was on my hands and knees, Charlie my boy bunny followed me around, kissing my feet. Cashmere my girl bunny watched curiously as I sorted through the mail that had accumulated for the past couple of weeks, and Sylvia the hedgehog always seemed to be wherever I needed to be. If I was cleaning in the kitchen, then she was in her towel igloo in the kitchen, hissing at me. If I was in the living room, then she was in her wooden castle in the living room, hissing at me.

Why has my mail accumulated so much? Same reason I haven't been blogging regularly, I guess. Spring fever! I just don't seem to be home much anymore. Friday night Anna Banana II and I had huckleberry cosmos (there's a girlie drink for you!), then we went to a Baroque music concert where one of the violinists looked like an aerobics instructor and another one looked like a silent movie star. Then on Sunday I went on a hike with a fellow choir member, and we saw springs burbling out of the sand, and a blue bird poking its head out of a nesting box, and a yellow crop duster flying around. It looked just like the planes that spray for moths about this time every year, so I wasn't entirely surprised when the moth planes did wake me up on Monday morning at 5:00 am. It always sounds as if we are under attack as they fly overhead - ZAAAOOOOOOM!!!! - and every year people call 911 to say we're being bombed. Of course, they also called 911 when that meteor exploded overhead a month ago. Did these people never have to learn about 911 in school? I clearly remember Sister Mary Pat drilling us about 911: "Should you call it if you stub your toe? What if your little brother isn't breathing?" Seriously, a good old-fashioned parochial school education might have done wonders for these folks.

So that is why I have been remiss in blogging lately. It's all clear now, right?

Famous Hat

Monday, May 10, 2010

Alien Invasion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So this is what I did on Saturday night: Kathbert and I went to a concert of Renaissance music in a former synagogue, and halfway through the concert, my OTHER choir director joined us. The last piece was an oratorio based on the story of Jepthah, the guy in the Old Testament who vowed to sacrifice the first person who came out of his door to greet him if God would grant him victory over the Ammonites. Too bad for him it was his daughter, an only child at that. (Even worse for her!) Wasn’t that worth the wait?

I received the following email from Rockstar Tailor yesterday:

Subject: Aliens!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi guys,
It’s Rockstar Tailor! It is plain scary!!!!

From the alien talking friend,
Wa bop ba doo bop (wah-bop-bah-dooooo-bop)

Then a forwarded message:

Who knew we were aliens!!!!

Humans have green skin, but aliens have white, tan, brown or black skin. We are aliens!!!!!!!!!

Tell everyone you know about this.

This important missive was also sent to Mandy Pandy, Qitty Cat, Pinkest Pirate, and Rockstar Raven, among others. These girls are only in third grade and they already have blogworthy nicknames!

For the record, I would like to note that my skin is very pale pink, and my father’s grandparents were aliens – from the planet County Cork – but on my mother’s side we have been in this country since the 17th century. So there. Then again, when Tailor’s mother Hardingfele was complaining about invasives like garlic mustard, I had to point out that homo sapiens is an invasive species as well.

Wa bop ba doo bop (wah-bop-bah-dooooo-bop)

Famous Hat

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Famous Hat: Still Bloggin'

Maybe all 5.6 of my faithful readers are wondering where I have been - did Mensa operatives assassinate me because of dissing them several posts ago? No worries - they aren't *smart* enough to catch me; they may have Mensa smarts, but I got street smarts. I'm always two steps ahead of their egghead @$$es. Just kidding: so far as I know, I am not on any Mensa hit list... yet. I will reveal what I have been up to in a series of posts. Here is the first one.

On Saturday Hardingfele, Rockstar Tailor, and I went to a plant sale, and Tailor found a "mystery" plant being sold for $1. The pot it was in said "money tree," and Tailor figured I could use a money tree - I mean, who couldn't, right? We also got some coffee (well, Tailor had juice) and Tailor and I worked on making a hip hop ad for adopting cats from the Humane Society. We went to a local health food store and bought enchiladas and tamales for lunch, all vegetarian... but not, as it turns out. Because when I unrolled my tamale, there was an earwig in the corn husk. Yuck! Of course, I had bought the enchiladas so Hardingfele is the one who will get the tamale refund, even though I was the one who had the bad one.

This episode inspired Rockstar Tailor to compose part of a hip hop song on the spot:

"Eat what you get and don't throw a fit,
Even if there's a bug in it!"

So look for this song to appear on this blog at some point, along with a photo of the infamous earwig. (Whenever Hardingfele gets around to sending it to me, right Hardingfele? RIGHT??)

Since Hardingfele's color printer was out of magenta ink, we were singing, "Yes, we have no magenta!" Then Tailor played some kiddie music program she has, so we tried singing her bug song as a salsa song and a jazz song and a funk song. After that Tailor went to visit a friend, and Hardingfele and I walked to a round stone wall built around a spring during the Depression by the Public Works project.

That was Saturday during the day. For my exciting Saturday night, you will have to read tomorrow's post.

Famous Hat

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Romantic Poem

Spring is such a romantic time of year, and I enjoyed posting my poem yesterday so much that I decided to post a love poem today. OK, really I couldn't think of anything else to say. But that doesn't make it any less romantic!

In consideration of the fact
That two of your twenty uncles
Dress in day-glo black
And like to play Bloody Knuckles,
And your father always cheats at Twister,
And your brother never drinks vermouth or
Tonic, and your little sister
Looks just like Martin Luther,
And your mother was my favorite dentist
Till she sold me a defective toothbrush,
And your great-aunt’s chimney vent is
The home of a very loud wood thrush,
And your nieces number in the dozens,
And your Pekinese is a Libra,
And the wife of your second cousin
Rides around on the back of a zebra,
And your grandmother plays the bagpipes
And your grandpa has a purple beard
(And yet I always hear you gripe
About how my family’s weird),
I must tell you with great sorrow
I can’t marry you today.
Come back and ask again tomorrow,
And then see what I say!

Famous Hat

Monday, May 3, 2010

Sentimental Spring Poem

This morning A-Joz sent me a slide show of Ireland with beautiful scenery and some incredibly glurgy blessing recited by an actress who shall remain nameless. I told A-Joz, "I kept waiting for the punchline," and she said she agreed. It did inspire me to write an overly sentimental poem about an actual incident that happened today.

Little bird outside my window,
Gazing in at me, my new little friend.
What a special moment,

I hope it will not end
As you hover like a hummingbird,
Brightening my day.
Oh, please don’t fly away!
What a lovely day in spring,
And I wish I were outside too,
Smelling the flowers
And walking through the dew.
Here you are, so free,
But looking in at me –
Is it with sympathy?
On this lovely morn in May,
What have you come to say?
Are you an angel sent by God
To bring me joy today?
Or are you – oh, never mind,
I guess you just wanted to eat that spider.

Famous Hat

Saturday, May 1, 2010


Today my besty Tiffy and I went to a mead-tasting event to raise money for the local early music festival, and of course early music always make me think of hip hop so I was quoting Ludacris and Usher and Pitbull. I said that was some of their poetry, but Tiffy thought I said "hoetry," which inspired us to create the following hip hop song. The video stars Siddhartha, the Turtle of Enlightenment, who really has nothing to do with the song. Here are the lyrics:

She got ten-inch heels and a twelve-inch skirt,
All the G's in the place was lookin' at her.
She got legs that don't quit and morals that don't start,
And I think Shorty went and stole my heart.

Hoetry! Hoetry! That's what she's got!

She got the love potion,
She's hoetry in motion,
When she walks, her booty rock like the ocean.

Hoetry! Hoetry! That's what she's got!

She ain't no hoe, she's so much moe,
She's hoetry in motion.

Hoetry! Hoetry! That's what she's got!

Since this song is clearly from a male's perspective, we recorded our voices on the low setting. Also, we didn't know that the urban definition of the word "hoetry" was "the art of pimping" until we had already wasted two hours creating our song and video.

Famous Hat