Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Move ePlush Won't Let You See

Last night Hardingfele and Tailor came over and we filmed my sad excuse for a Christmas "tree." Here it is:

Tailor and I have been making movies on ePlush; my little creatures Sylvia the Porcupine and Bellamy the Horse love directing movies, but they are getting very frustrated with the ePlush censorship. I can understand that ePlush would block them from using cuss words, but foreign phrases? Numbers? Where's the problem there?

For example, my first attempt at a movie was two little creatures, a cat and a dog, doing that old dialogue that goes: "That's life. What's life? A magazine. How much? Two dollars. Too much! That's life! What's life? A magazine!" I ask you, my faithful readers, is this controversial?? Apparently ePlush thinks so, because among the phrases I was not allowed to put into the dialogue were the following: "C'est la vie. Two dollars. Five bucks. A couple of big ones. Five clams." It did let me put "Everything you've got" for the amount Life costs, which is an interesting existential observation - certainly life takes everything you have! - but doesn't really make sense for the cost of a lousy magazine. In that spirit, I now present an ePlush movie: what Sylvia and Bellamy are allowed to say by ePlush, and the dialogue they really want to write in brackets. (Richard Bonomo suggested I post an ePlush movie to YouTube, and when I asked if it were truly YouTube-worthy, he replied, "What isn't?")

The scene: an adorable urban wasteland full of darling graffiti and button-cute rundown factories. Funky music plays in the background as two cartoon animals, say a llama and an axolotl, dance while wearing huge smiles and brightly colored, vaguely retro clothes. (ePlush lets you choose one of five emotions for your actors, so their emotions can run the gamut from A to E.) The movie is titled "We're So Happy!" ["The Greatest Story Never Told"]

Scene 1:
A: I love to dance! [Why are we dancing to this noise?]
L: Me too! [I don't know. I despise reggaeton!]

Scene 2:
A: I made you a cookie. [I bought you a drink.]
L: Chocolate chip! My favorite! [Whoa! How much tequila is in this!?]

Scene 3: (close-up of Axolotl)
A: Will you come to my birthday party on Saturday? [How about a Happy Birthday shag?]

Scene 4: (close-up of Llama)
L: Yay! I love parties! [No! I detest Virgo men!]

Scene 5:
A: We'll play lots of games! [You should have thought of that before you married me.]
L: I'll help you blow up balloons! [WHAT?? When did this happen??]

Scene 6: (close-up of Axolotl)
A: We'll eat cake and ice cream! [Have you forgotten last night in Vegas, when you lost at Texas Hold 'Em?]

Scene 7: (close-up of Llama)
L: We'll have so much fun! [But what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, and this is Altoona!]

Scene 8:
A: I can hardly wait! [Sorry - it's a legal document in all 50 states.]
L: I know just what to get you for a present! [Bugger. OK then, back to your - I mean, our - place and we'll rut like the animals we are.]

Scene 9:
A: Yay! [Yay!]
L: Yay! [C'est la vie.]

Dialogue written by Sylvia the Porcupine and Bellamy the Horse.

Here is the original, edited movie:


And the movie Sylvia and Bellamy made to protest:


Famous Hat


Hardingfele and Tailor said...

Um definitely not ePlush safe but hysterical. Maybe they need a grown up version of ePlush like KH suggested. Where ePlush animals who are not fed for a couple of days dont give you kisses but say "screw you!"

Famous Hat said...

More censorship I experienced while making the tame version of this movie (words nixed by ePlush are in all caps): we'll EAT ice CREAM; COME to my party; we love PARTIES; help you BLOW up balloons. Maybe I should redo my alternative movie and use all the banned words in the way ePlush clearly things I plan to!

Hardingfele and Tailor said...

I think ePlush must have some kind of obsession with sex, because all the words in CAPS could potentially be used in an obscene context. However, ePlush should at least look at the words next to them to determine if anything sexual is implied. Small minds think small dirty thoughts.

Hardingfele in the CAT HOUSE with 4PUSSY cats.