Bisectual - Singin' Both Ways!

You know, when you sing in two church choirs, a triduum just isn't enough time - you really need a sexduum!

I am an Anglo-Celto-American, which means I was raised a devout Cathopalian. My father's family has been Catholic since St. Patrick converted the Island, and he was in the seminary, studying to be a priest and learning to cook from a real Sicilian, when he met my mother, a former trapeze artist. (Note: I did not inherit any of those genes, so whatever you're fantasizing about right now, just stop it.) Dad left the seminary and became an Episcopal minister, but he did retain his Catholic outlook and his ability to make lasagne and eggplant parmesan that would make any real Italian proud. I grew up, went through that Buddhist stage in college that everyone goes through, and which has nothing to do with real Buddhism, and then I went back to my roots. Thinking my roots were Episcopalian, I went to an Ash Wednesday service at a nearby church and was shocked to find the place nearly empty. So I thought about it: do I want to belong to a church that was founded by Jesus Himself and has somehow withstood 2000 years of various amounts of mismanagement (if that doesn't point to divine intervention, I don't know what does), or do I want to belong to a church founded by a guy who wanted a divorce? The answer was obvious, and when I saw the Catholic church packed on Ash Wednesday by all those fools who mistakenly think it's a day of obligation, I knew I was in the right place.

I grew up one state to the left, a place even colder than my current home, and everyone knows the population of Lutherans in a place is inversely proportional to the average yearly temperature, so my whole life I have been surrounded by them. Like ice cream, Lutherans come in three basic flavors (ELCA, Wisconsin Synod, and Missouri Synod), but some places have the less popular varieties. (Note: so far as I know, there are no Neopolitan Lutherans; I don't think the ELCA stripe and the Wisconsin Synod stripe would mix well.) I don't have issues with Lutherans. Hey, at least Luther had real theological complaints and he didn't just want to throw over his wife for some French floozy. They are a generally peaceful people known for their good food at potlucks (with the notable exception of lutefisk, which I have never actually been brave enough to try) (and I have tried haggis!) and their beautiful music. Where are the tone-deaf Lutherans? Do they hide them away somewhere? They all seem to be born able to sing in four-part harmony.

For the last decade, after my own church's Mass has finished, I have run over to the ELCA church down the street (I'm thinking that's the vanilla option) and sung with their choir. Most of the time this just makes for a long Sunday morning, but during major holidays it causes some complications, as I have not yet mastered the art of bilocation. (Lutherans have holidays we don't have in my church, like - go figure - Reformation, and then something called Cantate Sunday which is all about music. See? They even have an entire holiday dedicated to it!) At Easter I simply choose to sing with my own kind, but because our church has "Midnight Mass" at 5 pm on Christmas Eve, I have always gone over to the Lutheran church for their vigil service. During those years when the Fourth Sunday of Advent is also Christmas Eve, which has happened twice now since this insanity began, I have to sing at five services in 24 hours. (Luckily the Lutherans don't have a big choral service on Christmas Day, God bless 'em.) After the late Lutheran vigil, which finishes around midnight, the choir director has a bunch of us over for Swedish fruit soup and champagne, then I fall into bed around 2 am and hate my life the next morning when the alarm goes off at 8. What happened to those days when, as a kid, I could barely stay in bed until 6 on Christmas morning? If only Santa would bring me some time to sleep...

Once a coworker of mine was bemoaning how commercial the Christmas holiday had become. She asked if I didn't feel the same way, and I replied that to me, Christmas was more like too much singing than too much stuff. She said, "You are so lucky!" and I agree. Although music is not the Reason for the Season, it does allow you to focus on God and not gifts, unless of course your Christmas repertoire consists of "Frosty the Snowman" and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." So for everyone out there who is tired of Christmas decorations going up the day after Labor Day (and then coming down December 26th - haven't they heard of the Twelve Days of Christmas?), I suggest joining a church choir. Or two.

Famous Hat