Calling All Cassowaries

Once a friend of ours asked us what our favorite animal was and the three reasons we liked it best. My other friends said things like horses because they are swift, noble, and beautiful, or dolphins, because they are intelligent, playful, and happy. I said llamas because they are cute, fuzzy, and badass. It turns out that supposedly this is how we see ourselves, and the others all laughed and said mine sounded pretty accurate, since they thought I am cute, fuzzy, and badass.

I do think that, if I were an animal, a llama would be a fitting choice. They are simple creatures who are able to climb mountains that other animals couldn't navigate. I am a simple person but I can do what needs to be done. Llamas are generally peaceful but spit at people when annoyed. That kind of sounds like me too! (I don't literally spit - anymore - but I can be verbally nasty when provoked.) Llamas are not, strictly speaking, beautiful but they are very cute. People say the same thing about me.

The second part of this psychology test is where things got weirder. We were supposed to name our second-favorite animals and three reasons we liked it. My other friends said things like tigers because they are beautiful, powerful, and majestic, but I said the cassowary because it's bizarre, cool, and can disembowel a man with one swift kick. According to this psychology test, that is what I am looking for in a significant other. This may explain my bad luck with men!

I have always thought that, if I were an element, I'd be xenon. Not only would I have a really cool name (so does ytterbium), but I would be happy alone but could be forced to combine with another element under great pressure. However, the result would be short-lived and explosive. That pretty much sums up my past romances. Now I realize, to borrow this other metaphor from nature, that I am a llama looking for a cassowary. No wonder it never worked out!

First of all, llamas and cassowaries do not even live on the same continent. Then there is the small issue of one being a mammal and the other being a bird. Cassowaries do have traits to commend them, like that the male raises the young, but they tend to be very shy and hide in the forest. And of course, when they are cornered, they can deliver a lethal kick. That does sort of sound like the men I've always been attracted to... Cassowaries are colorful (where they aren't drab) and have deep, resounding voices, which are good traits in men, but they are not so terribly bright. They are, however, quite tasty from what I've read. They are a very ancient type of bird, and with that weird casque on their heads they look a lot like a duckbill dinosaur.

I am wondering if I would have better luck in love looking for a man who is a tiger, or an eagle, or even a dolphin. Intelligent, playful, and happy sounds good to me! But if you are a cassowary and are looking for a llama, drop me a line. I promise to be very cute, fuzzy, and badass as long as you can disembowel a man with one swift kick.

Famous Hat