Thursday, February 19, 2009

Crime Lab Club Med

As I may have mentioned once or fifty times before, I am training for a triathlon. So the other night I was at the health club running on the treadmill, and the TV was on. As I have also mentioned, I do not own a TV at home, so the experience of watching it is always shocking for me. This particular night someone had turned it to a crime drama, let's call it "Crime Lab Club Med," which held my attention raptly because it was SO unlike any lab I've ever seen before. For example:

  • Every lab I have ever seen was garishly lit. Granted, these were university labs, but I can't imagine real police labs have much better budgets. On CLCM, the lab had mood lighting!

  • Every lab I have ever seen is crowded with tons of equipment that does not look substantially different from the equipment we had in high school, back in the Cretaceous Era. On CLCM, there is very little equipment, and it is all brand new.

  • Every lab I have ever seen was populated by people in grubby old clothes, and open-toed shoes are not allowed. On CLCM, the people in the labs are incredibly hot women who wear slinky, low-cut outfits more appropriate for a nightclub than a lab where they are getting splashed with disgusting and possibly corrosive chemicals, and they all wear high heels with open toes. And nobody wore safety goggles...

  • Every lab I have ever seen was full of frustrated techs running experiments for the third time, hoping the numbers would match at least once. On CLCM, the techs take a teeny amount of organic substance and put it in a machine that swirls it around for two seconds, and then they get an exact DNA match displaying the name, birthdate, and current home address of the person. Wow! In Club Med County, they must have an extensive DNA bank of all citizens in a thirty-mile radius, and most of the illegal aliens as well. (Perhaps even the space aliens!)
Figure 1: Club Med County Alien in DNA Database

Obviously, with all this high-tech, amazing lab equipment, the photogenic young women in the CLCM can solve any crime that comes their way. So heed my advice, criminals in Club Med County: be sure not to leave even one iota of DNA where they can find it! And certainly don't be like the criminal in the episode I saw, where you think to wipe down the entire crime scene but then leave behind an incriminating piece of evidence like, say, a cell phone you have modified into a nuclear device. Not only does this make it that much easier for the curvaceous young ladies of CLCM to bust you (so to speak), but I would think you would need it yourself, or why take all that time creating it? Other than to advance the plot, I mean?

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