Television: An Impressionistic Word Painting

I do not have a TV at home, so I am endlessly fascinated by the TV shows that are playing at the health club during my workouts. I don't actually know how to change the channels and just watch whatever is on, but this is not supposed to be a factual account. It is an impressionistic word painting; if you looked at it closely, the words would actually look like little dots and swirls, but from a distance you can see a picture emerge. And that picture is... television.

TELEVISION: An Impressionistic Word Painting

The ROACH SHOW!! Reality show starring bounty hunter Roach Jackson and his family: wife Trixie, brother Bro, sons Roach jr. and Rooster, and daughter Wee Bairn Annabelle. Today Roach et al take down Vinny “Bambino” Garbanzo as he returns from-

(changing station)

-eaking news! Logical Intelligent Empathetic News is the first to report on this story! And we will report and report and report on it until everyone believes it!

Newsflash: Giant Wombat reports it had an affair with the President. You heard me right! Our MARRIED Commander-in-Chief (who, may I remind you, has never actually served in the Military) is now cheating on his wife with a marsupial!

(Cut to video of guy in a dog costume)

“He took me for a ride on Air Force One, and everything said ‘Potus’ on it: the door, the chairs, even the pile carpeting! I thought that was a really cute nickname for someone with such a big- What? That stands for ‘President of the United States’? Never mind.”

(Scrolling banner on bottom of screen: President has affair with giant wombat! President has affair with giant wombat! President has affair with giant wombat!)

Talking Head: The evidence speaks for itself. The President-

(changing station)

-elcome to Anti-LIE News. Today we discuss the ridiculous charge that the President is having an affair with a giant wombat. First of all, you can clearly see that this is a man is a dog costume. It’s not even a wombat costume! Come on, LIE News! Is your budget so low that you can’t afford a decent costume? I mean, you can even tell it’s a beagle. When you can identify the breed of dog, then I’m sorry, that is NOT a wombat. There are no wombat beagles. Secondly, this clip of video is misleading. Let’s watch the whole thing.

(cut to video of guy in a dog costume)

“The other day I met a Secret Serviceman who loves planes as much as I do. He took me for a ride on Air Force One, and everything said ‘Potus’ on it: the door, the chairs, even the pile carpeting! I thought that was a really cute nickname for someone with such a big- What? That stands for ‘President of the United States’? Never mind, I thought it was the Secret Serviceman’s nickname because he has such a big head. Doesn’t Potus sound like the perfect nickname for someone with a preternaturally large noggin?”

Talking Head: And why do people keep falling for LIE News’s lies? We all know they are having an all-out war with the marsupial lobby, so should anyone be surprised they would pull a stunt like this? I mean, really?

(changing station)

-onight on “Am I a Nutcase?” we talk to someone who can’t stop rhyming.

Young Woman: “I try and I fail, it’s a very sad tale.”

Host: Scientists have a term for this condition, rhapsophilia, which they used to think was caused by an underlying nutritional deficiency. Now they know it is caused by a deep-seated fear of the Boogeyman, whom the victim hopes to keep at bay with her mad rhyming skillz.

Victim’s Mother: “Her first words to me were: ‘Mama, llama.’ At first I thought it was cute, but soon I realized there was a problem.”

(Thank goodness, my workout is done!)

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