Achievements Unlocked: Mammoth Hike Challenge and Apple Eating

 

Once again I am blogging too late at night, so I won't put many pictures on, but I do have a lot to say. Yesterday Travalon and I met his brother and sister-in-law for lunch in Delafield, which was a lot of fun. His SIL has EDS, which is a syndrome, not sure how rare it is, but it takes forever for diagnosis because it's a constellation of symptoms and 90% of the patients are women. Anyone who knows anything about medical research knows that they never understand anything about women. I have a lot of the symptoms, like being able to touch my nose with my tongue and being an easy bleeder, but I haven't had a lot of the terrible problems many people have. It's genetic, but I got the easy bleeding from Ma Hat and the long tongue from Pa Hat's mom, so who knows? Maybe it's just as well I didn't have children, because women with EDS have a 30% maternal death rate. 

After we bid them adieu, Travalon and I went hiking on the Waterville segment of the Ice Age Trail, which has a long boardwalk. Two women passed us, then I thought I heard more people behind us, but it was a bloodhound and a black lab who kept us company for some time on the trail and then vanished. After hiking we indulged in some Trail Magic, getting free stickers and a small scoop of ice cream and having our photos taken in giant yellow chairs. (Before lunch, we had also gotten free trail diaries from the Delafield library that were obviously aimed at children.) We were supposed to write a question in our trail diary, so I wondered if I am strongly in favor of the Oxford comma, and so is Trump, what other things do we agree on? I forget Travalon's question. We had so much fun getting Trail Magic in Delafield that I suddenly realized we had finished the challenge, because you get two bonus miles for each instance of Trail Magic. Wow, done already and with yet another weekend in October to go! Who knows? We may still hike enough to actually get all forty-four miles via hiking.

We planned to go to the pizza restaurant with the organ that my late uncle had helped install, but it was a madhouse in there, and there was a thirty-minute wait, so we went to a Japanese restaurant instead. It wasn't too busy, which I hoped wasn't a bad sign, but in fact we had just fortuitously beaten the rush, because after we had ordered, about a million people arrived. After dinner we went to China Lights at Boerner Botanical Garden. Travalon took about a million photos, but I will share just a few from my phone to whet your appetite.

This morning Travalon's team, Wolverhampton, played one of the top teams but they were keeping up with them. Then right at the end, in stoppage time, the other team (Manchester City) got three penalty kicks in a row, and they got a goal but it was called back because of interference on their part... and then their manager somehow argued for them to get the goal, so the Wolves lost AGAIN. We went to the 10:30 Mass north of us, and I was surprised to see a neighbor who seems to have moved sitting right in front of us. She has twin boys with muscular dystrophy, and I was afraid she had moved because they had died, but they were alive and well this morning. I know she saw me, but she bolted out of Mass before the closing hymn, so I didn't get a chance to ask where she is living now.

Travalon and I decided to hike along the mountain bike trails in Sauk between the VFW Park and the dam, with the goal of finding the apple tree we had seen blooming along the trail in May. I wasn't sure if we would find it without the showy, lovely-smelling blooms, but we did spot it. The fruit was small like the tree in our neighborhood with the really delicious fruit, right between crabapples and apples in size. It wasn't quite as tasty, but they weren't bad little green apples, so we ate a bunch. Then we went to the dam and saw lots of seagulls and this blue heron.

Speaking of wading birds, I posted a photo of the "goolie bird" we saw in Bimini in a social media group about wading birds, and they all said it was a juvenile crowned night heron - they just couldn't agree if it was a yellow-crowned night heron or a black-crowned one, though most people leaned toward yellow-crowned. That is very helpful, because it wasn't matching any bird species I could find. I never thought of it being a juvenile, but it makes sense.

The Packers played at noon, and it was too nice out today (like summer!) to sit inside and watch them, but we listened on the radio as we drove to Sauk and back. They beat the Texans with a walk-off field goal as time ran out, because now they have a new kicker who can get it done. (Narveson was useless.) The refs seemed to have it out for them, like they usually do, except last week when the refs seemed to have it out for the Cardinals, so when the Packers beat them handily, it wasn't that satisfying. It's very mysterious how the refs seem to love some teams and hate others. Kind of sus, if you know what I mean.

After my Irish class, Travalon and I took a boat ride back into the marsh, where the colors were pretty but not spectacular like some years. Then we went to Rich's house for a birthday dinner with Kathbert. He made brownies, and something seemed different about them - we all noticed - but the only thing he did different was use sugar from Pakistan, and it tasted like regular sugar. We may never solve this mystery. On the way home I was bombarding Travalon with random questions, like, "I wonder if anyone has ever taught a chicken to go skateboarding?" and "I wonder what happened to my radio that looked like a church?" Maybe the funny taste in the brownies really was some kind of drug! Ha!

Famous Hat

Happy Pi Day! and Questions about Mergansers

 

Some exciting news today - I finished the Stand with Ukraine virtual challenge!

I also got booted up to the highest league in DuoLingo. For months I have been in the Obsidian League, which is the second highest league, but why I'm in any league at all is beyond me. I never asked to be in one.

Since today is Pi Day, this cartoon Ma Hat sent seems pretty appropriate.

Tonight after dinner, Travalon and I were going to go to a restaurant in another part of town to get a slice of pie, but as we passed the local barbecue joint, I suddenly remembered they sell slices of Key lime pie, so we just went there and each got a slice. So delicious!

Bongo the chocolate Lab is no longer a puppy physically - in fact, he's an enormous dog - but he's still a puppy in his head. He's always there at band practice, sniffing us in rude places and chewing on music stands, but last night he licked my mandolin! Why? Did it smell good? There seems to be no damage to the mandolin, but you can imagine how I felt watching his enormous tongue slurping against it. My antique, family heirloom mandolin! Luckily one slurp was all he needed to decide it wasn't tasty. A guy from Night Prayer says his wife writes icons using egg tempura paint, and sometimes they will catch their dog licking the icons - they call it "venerating the icons." That I can understand, but what would be in the varnish on my old mandolin that would attract a dog?

When I googled hooded mergansers to make sure that's what we saw at the local bird party, one thing that came up was a list of commonly asked questions about mergansers. Some of them made sense, like "Are mergansers endangered?" and "Do mergansers taste good?" but some were really out there. One was: "What's the difference between a merganser and a duck?" That's like asking what the difference is between a chocolate Lab and a dog. Bongo is both, but not all dogs are chocolate Labs. But my very favorite question was: "What do you call a merganser?" Uh... a merganser? That's right up there with "Why a duck?" except that the latter is a joke, and I'm assuming the former was a serious question, which makes you wonder about the people who are asking it. My only question about mergansers is: where do they go later in the spring? I never see them after mid-April. I'm assuming they go further north...

Famous Hat

Choose Your Own Popeye Cartoon

 

Today was uneventful, and I really had nothing to blog about, but Travalon is watching old Popeye cartoons, which got me to thinking. Last night he was watching them as well, and they were in such random settings: if I walked by, they were in a jungle, and Popeye was beating up wild animals; then the next time I walked by, they were in a circus, and Popeye was beating up the trapeze artist; and the next time I walked by, they were in a blacksmith shop, and I really don't know who Popeye was beating up - the blacksmith? In the past I have done "choose your own blog post"-type posts, so this will be a "Choose Your Own Popeye Cartoon" post.

One morning/Tuesday/Octave of Pentecost Popeye and Olive Oyl were walking/swimming/foxtrotting through the forest/plumbing factory/Gates of Hell when a stag/night watchman/demon started hitting on Olive Oyl/Popeye/the both of them. Popeye began swaggering/swearing/punching everything in sight, but he was losing the fight until Olive Oyl fed him some spinach/ran and hid/beat up the demon herself. Then he quickly stuffed his foe in a barrel/kicked his foe over the horizon/questioned what he was even doing with his life to get in this situation, and Olive Oyl fell into his arms/chased him with a broom/ran off with the postmaster. In the end, Popeye won the day/danced a hornpipe/switched to kale, and they both lived happily ever after/haplessly on a rafter/in downtown Cincinnati.

Remember, whatever you choose, it will not be nearly as surreal as an actual episode of Popeye. I'm not sure what his creators were smoking, but I'd be curious to try some myself!

Famous Hat

Some Answers

 

I have some answers for questions recently posed here on Famous Hat the Blog. First of all, Williamson Street is named after some guy Hugh Williamson who signed the Constitution. I didn't even know that was a thing; I've heard of the signers of the Declaration of Independence, but not the signers of the Constitution. Willy Street is one of the original streets in town, and Travalon thought it was named after Ivan "Ivy" Williamson, who was a Badger football coach in the 50's, and then the athletic director until 1969, so I figured it must have had a name before that and then they renamed it after him. It took a lot of research, but I finally found that the street was always called Williamson, after this Hugh Williamson. I had never heard of him before this.

The second answer I have is about the brown cormorants. They are not another species; they are just immature cormorants. There were three of them hanging out on what used to be One Tree Island, so maybe they are nest mates. Or maybe young cormorants hang out in groups, since a lot of other birds do. When I told a guy at the Crane Foundation about how the whooping crane at Theresa Marsh was hanging out with a bunch of sandhill cranes, he said cranes that are too young to breed tend to hang out in groups like that. He said they aren't old enough to breed until they are five. I'm amazed there are any cranes, if that is the case, since they have such high mortality rates in their first year of life, but there just seem to be more and more of them in our neighborhood. I keep waiting for the day we see an actual whooping crane or two strolling along in our 'hood. That would be something to see! The guy at the Crane Foundation said there are only about eighty wild whooping cranes in our state, so it's kind of amazing that we have seen so many.

I am tired of people saying "The Board says..." when it's not what I say. Maybe the problem is that I am on too many boards, but just yesterday the president of the Union sent an email to the members saying the Board would like to see everyone at a pro-abortion rally at the Capitol Square on Saturday. You would think before signing on to something that is so controversial, he would have asked us all if we were okay with our names being put on it. Then today we had our annual condo association meeting, and Monday evening the board met, and we agreed owners could bring motions that owners could vote on, but 67% of owners would have to vote for it to pass. Of course tonight the person we figured was going to bring something up did, and I thought we were going to vote on it, but the president said, "The board discussed this, and we're not going to have a vote on it." Say what?? That's her rule, not "the Board's." I didn't agree to that. I mean, it sounds kind of dictatorish and stuff. I guess I just hate having other people put words in my mouth. I need the room to put my own foot in there.

Famous Hat

Playing Twenty Questions with Travalon

Inspired by that game we played at his birthday party, Travalon and I have been playing Twenty Questions some evenings. We always tell each other if what we are thinking of is a person, place, or thing, but we don’t actually keep track of how many questions get asked. Also, I will admit that we are pretty liberal with our hints if the other person is going in the wrong direction. I believe playing games like this that make you think is a good way to keep your brain sharp in middle age. Catzookz gave us a book about keeping your brain sharp, and it suggested doing little things differently, like taking a new route to work or brushing your teeth with your non-dominant hand. Actually, I naturally tend to do things like that just to put some pizazz in my daily grind. What could be more boring than commuting the same way to work every day or brushing your teeth? I certainly feel less creative than when I was younger, but am I less mentally sharp? It’s so hard to say. The other day Travalon and I were really “on” during Twenty Questions, guessing what the other person was thinking of within a few questions. Of course, we tend to be nice to each other and choose things the other person knows and likes. (I used to play with a friend who routinely chose people I had never heard of and who would also answer questions in a really misleading way, so it was nearly impossible to guess what he was thinking of. That is not the goal of the game!) Anyway, whether or not Twenty Questions is a good mental exercise, it sure is a lot of fun!

Famous Hat

The Chicken or the Egg

The theme of the wedding reception we attended on Friday evening was Hawaiian, and so there was a pineapple on every table as the centerpiece. Since nobody had claimed the pineapple on our table by the time we were leaving, I grabbed it. As I was sitting here a few minutes ago eating pieces of the pineapple, a sudden thought occurred to me: the question of what came first, the chicken or the egg, is really a silly one. If you subscribe to the theory of evolution (as I do), then clearly the egg came first because there were eggs before there were ever chickens. Think about it: chickens descended from dinosaurs, which hatched from eggs, so at some point a creature almost like a chicken laid an egg and then an actual chicken hatched out of it. Seriously, why was this question even considered a puzzle? The answer is so blatantly obvious.

Famous Hat

Cultural Awareness

Last night Richard Bonomo, Travalon, Astrochick, a friend of hers, and I went to Concert on the Square. I got a sandwich to eat up there, and the Mexican guy working at the sandwich shop asked if I spoke Spanish, so we spoke a little Spanish. What I can’t figure out is how he knew. I certainly don’t look Latina… Maybe he said something to me in Spanish and I didn’t notice and replied in English – I’ve been known to do that. It amuses people to no end.

Astrochick is the head of the Astronomy department at her school, and she also teaches math and physics. Good thing she doesn’t teach music appreciation! She asked if I were still in that avant garde group called Buxtehude, and I replied that I was still in a folk band, which is about the opposite of avant garde. (For the record, I have no idea why she thinks our group is named after a Baroque composer; we’re actually called Dark of the Moon.) She asked if I still played the ukulele or mandarin or whatever. I replied, “You mean the mandolin? Yes.” Then she wondered if I still loved that music that was Egyptian monks yodeling, and when I said, “I have NO idea what you’re talking about,” she said, “Well, maybe they weren’t Egyptian. And maybe they weren’t monks. And maybe they weren’t really yodeling. Wasn’t it called Gregorian something?” I said, “Gregorian chant? Chant isn’t yodeling!” and she said, “It sounds like it!” Rich said, “Oh Astrochick, we have to work on your cultural awareness!” This has inspired me to create a handy Cultural Awareness Quiz.

1.       Gregorian chant is:

a.       That guy named Greg chanting “Beer! Beer! Beer!”

b.      A Medieval liturgical music form

c.       Egyptian monks yodeling

2.       Avant garde means:

a.       Ahead of its time

b.      Folk music

c.       A French security person

3.       Buxtehude was:

a.       An avant garde band Famous Hat played in

b.      A Mandarin

c.       A Baroque composer who mainly wrote for the organ

4.       My answers are:

a.       Mainly a, because I always choose the first answer

b.       I’m not taking this stupid quiz 

c.       Irrelevant - who can say what the truth really is?

How did you do? Are you sufficiently culturally aware?

Famous Hat

Happiness for All: The Downside?

Toque McToque was thinking of the They Might Be Giants song “Sapphire Bullets of Pure Love,” and she said how cool it would be if one of us could invent bullets of pure love. When you shot people with them, they would be filled with love for humanity. “Just think how happy everyone would be,” she said. At first I thought this sounded wonderful, but then I started to wonder if there could be a down side. If people were happy, they would not see any need to strive to make things better, and would you really want that in an aviation engineer, for instance? Is there a down side to everything? Or would there be no down side to everyone being happy? Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

Famous Hat

Today's Deep Question

This happened to Toque McToque yesterday, but I was already planning to blog about Anna Banana II's wedding, so I deferred this important question until today. What happened was that an individual rushed to Toque's office, thinking he had to get there by 4:00 pm, only to find out that the office is open until 4:30, so then he said he had "wasted his time" by rushing. The question is this: can one be said to waste time by rushing? After all, it saves you time to go on to your next activity. Therefore, it would seem that rushing, while it can be unnecessary (like in this case), can never be said to be a "waste of time."

Famous Hat

Pick Your Post

I couldn't think of anything to blog about today, but Luxuli commented on my lack of post, so I decided to do a sort of "Mad Libs" post, only multiple choice instead of fill in the blanks:

Today/yesterday/three weeks from Thursday Famous Hat was sailing a yacht/watering the garden/getting chewed out by her boss when suddenly Tiffy/her boss/the Loch Ness Monster started to sing karaoke/play the balalaika/explode in slo-mo.  Famous Hat said, "Holy buckets!/[something unrepeatable]/where's MY microphone?" as the player piano/bougainvillea/stolen safe full of styrofoam coffee cups, right in front of her very eyes, turned chartreuse/drank chartreuse/joined the Carthusian order.  This was in the supply closet/New Orleans/the chemistry lab.  When Famous Hat told Hardingfele/her boss/her imaginary friend about it, the reply she got was, "Is that even physically possible?/Quit making excuses!/Geaux Saints!" But all Famous Hat had really wanted was a million dollars/the world's coolest rosary/someone to care.  So she went home/off the rails/to the Basque country and hung out with her bunnies/nuns/Irish terrorists.

Famous Hat

As Stumped as the Mariachi

Regarding my previous post, here are some answers to questions readers have asked me:

Q:  Why are there two of everything?
A:  No deep reasons, just one practical and one aesthetic reason.
     The practical reason is because then you cannot see my hand holding the object. I was using the "mirror" camera in Photo Booth, and my hand was "behind the mirror," so to speak.
     The aesthetic reason is that everything is is thirds so it is as if there are two singers, violinists, and trumpets.  I realize this makes less sense with the mandolin, since it naturally plays in chords, so there should only be one mandolin. But it's easiest to have everything match.

Q:  What is that song?
A:  Most of it, I have no idea.  The tune seems familiar, so it might be a real mariachi tune.  If anyone can identify it, let me know.  The words are all mine.  The short, minor-key interlude with the horns is "Riu, Riu Chiu" done in 3/4 time.  That's why it sounds familiar and yet odd.

Q:  Do you play the trumpet?
A:  No, I played the trumpet part on a keyboard and then set it to "trumpet" in Garage Band.

Q:  Where did you get the little instruments?
A:  The little violin was a Christmas present from my parents, years ago.  It has a chin rest and a bridge, but they both fell off and I'm not 100% sure where they are right now.  The mandolin I bought for myself from the gift shop at the hospital where I work.  It's a music box, but offhand I can't remember what it plays.  The little trumpet is a Christmas ornament that Hardingfele let me use.  (Thanks, Hardingfele!)  I removed the red bow with holly and jingle bells, figuring that did not go with this song.

Q:  What is that... dog thing?
A:  One year for Christmas, my parents gave me a large box all wrapped up, and when I took the paper off, it was the box for a space heater.  I thought that was a great gift!... but they said, "Open it!"... and inside was that Chihuahua in a sombrero and poncho.  It used to sing "Feliz Navidad," but currently the batteries are dead, and oddly enough I have had no particular desire to replace them.

Q:  Does everyone know "Riu, Riu Chiu"?  I only know it because we sang it in choir back in high school.
A:  I have no idea if this song is common knowledge.  It seems as if everyone I talk to is familiar with it.  It is an old song, from the Renaissance, and maybe is not popular in Latin American countries.

Q:  How did you know how to make a song that sounded like that?
A:  I used to play in a mariachi-style band.

Q:  The credits go by so fast!  What do they say?
A:  Sorry about that.  I was running short on time and didn't change the scrolling credits from the default of four seconds.  All they say is that I sang and played the violin, mandolin, and "trumpet," and I thanked Hardingfele for letting me use the little trumpet.

Hope that clears up some of the mystery apparently surrounding "Stump the Mariachi."

Famous Hat

What Up?

So I know this woman who says that the first thing men tell her is: “We’ll never be more than friends.” What up? The only guy who ever told me that was someone I had been friends with for years, and we were sitting on his bed talking after I had gone through a bad breakup, so I can see where maybe he was afraid I was looking at him as a rebound relationship. But to have someone you just met say that??? My reply would be: “I wasn’t thinking anything so serious. How about we just remain acquaintances?”

This morning I went to recycle some coffee, and two other coworkers were having a meeting in the bathroom. What up? I mean, there is no room in there. But I started thinking that, in this time of extreme budget cuts, maybe they will begin using the restrooms as conference rooms. I can just imagine the online reservation form:

What room would you like to reserve? The following are available:

Trainey Conference Room. Seats 25. Amenities: wi-fi, projector.
Closetlike Conference Room. Seats 8. Amenities: table.
Lavatory Conference Room. Seats 2. Amenities: running water.

So in Egypt they are going crazy because they are “following Tunisia’s lead.” What up? I kind of don’t remember them going so crazy in Tunisia that they were burning down politicians’ offices. If Egypt's president was at all intelligent, he would skedaddle like the dude from Tunisia did, but where can you go and not be ceaselessly mocked when your first name is Hosni? Not my hometown of Rooster, that’s for darn sure! His nickname would be “Hoser” before he had gotten his forwarding address changed.

Famous Hat

Electric Koolaide Acid Litmus Test for Politicians

Toque McToque and I, being state employees, were discussing today whether the furloughs we suffer through apply to our esteemed elected officials as well.  Now while a furlong is 220 yards or one-eighth of a mile (or an Irish surname, isn't that interesting?), a furlough is basically a pay cut with some days off for compensation, since by union rules they cannot actually cut our pay or make us work any unpaid time.  Light Bright LOVES our furloughs and is hoping for even more, since the rumor is that our new governor-elect plans to double the number we currently have, but as I have previously mentioned, she gets paid a lot more than either Toque or me, plus she has a rich husband in another state, so what does she care?  Toque and I would like to know if the new governor-elect plans to give himself all these furlough days as well, and that got us to thinking of more questions we would like to ask politicians before an election.

My questions:

What is your stand on realtors killing palm trees?
What superpower would you most like to have?
If you found a $100 bill on the street, would you keep it? Would your answer change if nobody was watching?
Please write a short story (500 words or less) on the following premise: "A well-respected surgeon and his wife in Victorian London live in domestic bliss, despite the whispers about their children that don't look like him and questions about his sexuality, until tragedy strikes when they fall for the same man."
What is your sign of the zodiac? If you could choose a plant instead of an animal, what would you choose for your plant sign?
Who or what would you put on a postage stamp?

Toque's questions:

If you could eat only one kind of food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Do you wash your hands every time you use the bathroom, or only in public?
Were you a bully or bullied?
Are you willing to take a lie detector test?

Feel free to leave your own questions for politicians in the comments.

Famous Hat

Concession

Everyone knows what a concession speech is: when a politician loses an election, he concedes the race to his opponent. So then what exactly is a concession stand? What are you conceding? That you can't sit through a two-hour movie without shoving something in your mouth, no matter how overpriced and unhealthy it may be?

Famous Hat

Non-Work Post

In case my coworkers are reading my blog, I will not blog about work. Instead, I will give them some thoughts to ponder:

Is Maroon 5 the Vivaldi of the 21st century? They write the same song over and over, but it's so darn catchy every time.

Which song has the sicker bassline, "I Better Find Your Love" by Drake or "Teach Me How to Dougie" by Cali Swag District?

Plants and trees that live for more than a millenium are always found in harsh environments. Does this mean comfort cuts your life short? And is it worth it to live a life of utter deprivation? Maybe you would live longer, but you would enjoy it less.

How can anyone call a song from the 00's "Old School"? Come on, a song released in 2004 would barely be able to read today if it were a person. You should have to be at least in high school in people years to be an old school joint.

Why have those treasury peeps not replied to Keith the Plant's suggestion that they do a Signs of the Zodiac quarter series? The barrista at my favorite coffee shop thought it was a fantabulous idea, and he sees more loose change than most of us ever will.

So what were the "Middle Ages" in the middle of, anyway?

Famous Hat

Friday Afternoon Famous Hat Musings

Here are some more random musings of mine:

Last night I went to the Lutherans’ Ascension service instead of the Latin Mass at my own church for a number of reasons (dinner beforehand, music during the service, choir practice afterwards), and the pastor had misplaced his sermon so he ad-libbed, and it was the funniest sermon I have ever heard! My favorite line was probably when he was talking about going to the dentist earlier that day, and he told the hygienist that “We’re gonna get Jesus in our teeth tonight!” I got to wondering, do people actually do a better job under pressure? Would his sermon have been nearly as funny if he had preached the one he had carefully written? Probably not. Back in college I used to write my papers the night before they were due in a caffeine-fueled frenzy, and I would always get A’s and comments about what great papers they were. One day I decided not to procrastinate… and that paper only got a B. The lesson was clear, and I went back to my old system.

They say St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland, but they do not specify what sort of vehicle he used. I was thinking about it and imagined his ride as a tricked-up sky blue Lincoln Towncar with bad@$$ rims and a monster stereo system with sick bass, but maybe Pat was a sensible guy and drove a Honda Accord. Or maybe for that many snakes he had to use a semi…? It’s so hard to say, since nobody gave any indication of exactly how many snakes went on this road trip with him. And what was their destination? The closest place is England, but you can’t drive there, and nobody says he “sailed” the snakes out of Ireland. No, they clearly indicate that he “drove” them. So maybe he had some kind of hovercraft.

I am very frustrated with Garage Band because it does not appear to have the capacity to play twelve-bar blues in its Magic Band function. There are a “blues” function and a “slow blues” function, but they are eight bars… and major key! I need a minor key blues backup band that can play in twelve bars, helloooo, this is supposed to be the blues and that means sad, right? The reason I need this is because I am attempting to write a sequel to “Salsa Linguistica” called “The Booted Out Blues,” which would fit perfectly with the instrumental part of Robert Johnson’s “Crossroads,” since that must be the song I think of when I think of the blues. Twelve bars and minor key. It’s very sad, because it’s a song about how ash and thorn were booted out of the English alphabet even though they would be perfectly useful today, seeing as how they represent sounds we still use in English.

That’s enough musing for one Friday. Feel free to add your own musings in the comments.

Famous Hat

Post: Large Print Edition

Hardingfele told me the other day that she got tendonitis from doing too much typing for a volunteer cat rescue website. I thought that sounded unlikely, but today I have a sore rotator cuff. Yes, my right shoulder aches with each letter I type, but for you, my 5.8 dedicated readers, I am willing to suffer. To make up for the brevity of this post, I will use the biggest font size available... for YOU!!

Questions:

• Can you get a refund for your card store frog if it croaks?

• Why did Hardingfele cut her earplugs into fourths when the directions specifically said not to?

• Why is Amminadab standing on his head in the fish bowl?

• Where would my miniature clay pot (containing a miniature Dead Sea Scroll) look best, by Antoshka's palm tree or by my clay lamp?

• How did I hurt my rotator cuff, anyway?

• Is Cecil Markovitch's Christmas cactus supposed to be purple-tinted, or is it sick?

Famous Hat

How Come?

Once Hardingfele showed me a button on my car stereo that cranked the bass. How come that exists? I mean, who wants the bass uncranked?

How come when men in novels are mad at women, they call them things like, "Damnable wench!"? Do men talk like that in real life? In my experience, they either don't call you names at all, or they call you a "stupid b***h!" I think the only men who talk like that are ones created by women.

How come when a hip hop artist uses a sample from a rock star's song in a clever and original way, the rock star sues, but when some white band does a lame remake of his song, he says nothing? (Hint: "monkey" without the k.)

How come humans live in snowy places when we are clearly tropical creatures?

How come some men, within five minutes of meeting me, will mention they cannot have children because of a car accident/surgery/birth defect? Why would I want to know this? Do they really think this would somehow convince me that a one-night stand would be a wonderful idea because there's no chance of them knocking me up? Sorry, boys, most of us are looking for a man who can give us babies. And if you were trying to scare me off from marrying you, no worries - you don't make enough money.

Example conversation:

Famous Hat is standing by a lake, watching swans glide across its surface. A man approaches.
Man: Aren't the swans beautiful? My name is Octavian and I have been rendered sterile by a tragic ice cream truck accident.
FH: I'm sorry to hear that, but the fact that you mentioned it in the same sentence as your name completely turns me off. Goodbye."
Man: Damnable wench!

How come in the clean version of "Still Not a Player" by Big Pun, they have him say, "I'm not a player, I just crush a lot"? In what reality does that make sense? Surely there was some other verb they could have used that would have made almost as much sense as the original word? (Hint: "firetruck" without the iretr.)

How come people come to work in blizzards? Do they just love their jobs that much?

Famous Hat