And now what you (and by "you" I mean Hardingfele) have been waiting for all week: The final scenario of the Concerted Effort to Find the Dangerous Chipmunk.
Scene One: Official-looking room.
Official-looking guy: OK, we need to ask the BUFF cat what he knows. Got that, people? The BUFF cat – not the orange cat, and not the cat that looks like someone put a brown cat and an orange cat in a blender.
Scene Two: Hardingfele’s backyard
First Person: Is this the buff cat?
OLG: No, that is clearly an ORANGE cat! Are you color-blind or something?
Second Person: Got it, boss.
OLG: To the interrogation room!
Scene Three: Interrogation room
Guy dressed all in black: So what do you know about the chipmunk that allegedly bit Ms. Hardingfele?
Vinny: Meow.
OLG: Did the translator get that?
Translator: He said, “I’d know the rodent anywhere! He had a stripe down his back!”
OLG: Hear that, people? Now we know what we have to do. Find that chipmunk with a telltale stripe down his back!
Scene Four: Hardingfele’s backyard
Third Person: Got it!
OLG: To the interrogation room!
Scene Five: Interrogation room
Guy dressed all in black: What were you doing the afternoon of Sunday, September 20th?
Chipmunk: cheecheechee
Translator: I can’t hear. Can you turn up the volume?
Chipmunk: cheecheechee
Translator: Still can’t quite make it out. Can you turn it up to 11?
Chipmunk: CHEECHEECHEE
Translator: OK, that I got. He says he was at the annual Rodent Convention they hold at Old Man Digby’s barn every year.
OLG: That should be easy enough to verify. Get me the phone. (Into phone.) Yeah, we got a chipmunk here with a stripe down his back claiming he was at Old Man Digby’s barn on Sunday, September 20th…. What? OK, roger that. (Hangs up phone.) We got a positive ID. Looks like his alibi holds water. Release the suspect! And someone write the Official Letter and send it to Ms. Hardingfele.
Famous Hat
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
A Concerted Effort: Scenario #2
This is a second possibility for the concerted effort made by the Public Health officials to find the chipmunk that bit Hardingfele.
Scene One: Official-looking room
Official-looking guy: (pointing at map):
Scene Two: Hardingfele’s backyard
People in hazmat suits running around.
Scene Three: Official-looking room
Official-looking guy: Okay, people, we made a concerted effort but the chipmunk could not be located. Number Three, write the Official Letter and send it to Ms. Hardingfele.
Remember to check back here tomorrow for Scenario #3!
Famous Hat
Scene One: Official-looking room
Official-looking guy: (pointing at map):
Okay people, here is the plan. The site of the “incident” was right HERE. (Points to Hardingfele’s yard.) That means the offending chipmunk could be anywhere in this area. (Points to Chipmunk Zone.) Here’s what we’re going to do: Number One, check out the Beta Quadrant. Number Two, check out the Delta Quadrant. Number Three, check out the Alpha Quadrant. Number Four, check out the Gamma Quadrant. Got that, people? And remember, this is a very dangerous animal. Despite what we told Ms. Hardingfele, there is a nearly 100% chance the thing is rabid, so don’t take any stupid chances. Got it? No stupid chances.
Scene Two: Hardingfele’s backyard
People in hazmat suits running around.
First Person: I see something!
Second Person: Over here!
Third Person: Cover my six!
Scene Three: Official-looking room
Official-looking guy: Okay, people, we made a concerted effort but the chipmunk could not be located. Number Three, write the Official Letter and send it to Ms. Hardingfele.
Remember to check back here tomorrow for Scenario #3!
Famous Hat
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
A Concerted Effort: Scenario #1
This week on Famous Hat we will be discussing the "concerted effort" that the Public Health officials made to find the chipmunk that bit Hardinfele. As you may remember, said officials sent Hardingfele a letter stating that they had in fact made a concerted effort to find the chipmunk. Here is one way it could have gone down:
A group of Public Health employees sit around a table, drinking coffee.
Thibodaux: Gantley, you seen a chipmunk round these parts lately?
Gantley: No. How about you, O’Shaughnessy? Seen any chipmunks lately?
O’Shaughnessy: Nope, I haven’t. How about you, Thibodaux?
Thibodaux: Not one. Gentlemen, we made a concerted effort but the chipmunk could not be located. Gantley, write the Official Letter and send it to Ms. Hardingfele.
Stay tuned for Scenario #2 tomorrow and the thrilling conclusion on Thursday with Scenario #3!
(Thanks to Susan on the bus for suggesting this scenario.)
Famous Hat
A group of Public Health employees sit around a table, drinking coffee.
Thibodaux: Gantley, you seen a chipmunk round these parts lately?
Gantley: No. How about you, O’Shaughnessy? Seen any chipmunks lately?
O’Shaughnessy: Nope, I haven’t. How about you, Thibodaux?
Thibodaux: Not one. Gentlemen, we made a concerted effort but the chipmunk could not be located. Gantley, write the Official Letter and send it to Ms. Hardingfele.
Stay tuned for Scenario #2 tomorrow and the thrilling conclusion on Thursday with Scenario #3!
(Thanks to Susan on the bus for suggesting this scenario.)
Famous Hat
Monday, October 5, 2009
Bunny Art
Friday night Mama Step and I went to some art galleries on Willy Street for "Gallery Night." The first one had very expensive stuff in muted colors, but I did end up buying some cheap hair pins with black-and-white bunnies on them. The second gallery we went to was much more lively, full of art in vibrant colors, lots of people wandering around sipping complementary wine, and loud 80's music courtesy of a live DJ. To my surprise, I found a cheap ring with a black-and-white bunny on it that matched the hair pins I had just bought! It was obviously meant to be. After a glass of free champagne, I almost bought an adorable $30 stuffed robot, because what could a girl need more, right? But some tiny sober part of my brain was like, no. You DON'T need a $30 stuffed robot, no matter how cuddly it is!
So the rest of the weekend, of course I had to wear my bunny art: to the Farmer's Market, where they had no coffee or blue potatoes, and I forgot to buy cheese; to the hootenanny my band led at a nature center, where we played as tons of kids and adults sang along (I can play anything, as long as it's in the key of G); to Mass, where the priest must have used some new kind of incense, because a bunch of us kept hacking and coughing and sneezing; and to the St. Francis Day dessert Anna Banana II made. Lots of people were there, including my OTHER choir director, which was a bit awkward since I kind of hadn't made it to the Lutheran church that morning. Since St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and is always depicted with a bunch of birds and rabbits, what could be more fitting to wear to a St. Francis Day party than bunny art? We didn't have a blessing of the animals, and I forgot to smuggle Sylvia the Hedgehog into Mass for a stealth blessing, but then she probably would have choked on the incense. And then everyone would have known I smuggled a hedgehog into Mass when she started hacking and sneezing in my purse!
Famous Hat
So the rest of the weekend, of course I had to wear my bunny art: to the Farmer's Market, where they had no coffee or blue potatoes, and I forgot to buy cheese; to the hootenanny my band led at a nature center, where we played as tons of kids and adults sang along (I can play anything, as long as it's in the key of G); to Mass, where the priest must have used some new kind of incense, because a bunch of us kept hacking and coughing and sneezing; and to the St. Francis Day dessert Anna Banana II made. Lots of people were there, including my OTHER choir director, which was a bit awkward since I kind of hadn't made it to the Lutheran church that morning. Since St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and is always depicted with a bunch of birds and rabbits, what could be more fitting to wear to a St. Francis Day party than bunny art? We didn't have a blessing of the animals, and I forgot to smuggle Sylvia the Hedgehog into Mass for a stealth blessing, but then she probably would have choked on the incense. And then everyone would have known I smuggled a hedgehog into Mass when she started hacking and sneezing in my purse!
Famous Hat
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Smackdown: Geneva Convention vs. Children's Music
I had the misfortune, as do many autistic children these days, of being born with heightened senses into a culture that values convenience over quality. In the case of food, it simply meant that I hardly ate anything during my childhood, but sound was my personal hell. When you have an exquisitely attuned ear, the modern world is horribly loud and grating for the most part, but the real torture is children's music. For reasons I have never been able to fathom, almost all children's music is major key, which in EQUAL TEMPERAMENT means that it is out of tune; then, just to elevate the torture of the sensitive ear, it is sung by a bunch of children who cannot carry a tune.
When we were kids, our mother found a kiddie record player at a garage sale. I loved the actual player, since I was fascinated by anything that rotated (OK, still am), but the records were the usual tripe with out-of-tune tots howling some simple major-key ditty. So I broke them. My brother, who is two years younger and not autistic (just dyslexic), didn't seem terribly sorry to see the records go either. (He is not as ridiculously enslaved to music as I am, but he is musical, and I have noticed that he also gravitates toward minor-key music, which is often the case with people who cannot stand equal temperament.) Of course, my mother didn't understand that, or why a child who so obviously loved music would pitch fits during Music Time at school and refuse to sit still during children's concerts. I sought solace in minor-key Vivaldi concertos. Then I grew up and discovered "period-style" music, and life was good. Now that I understand the evils of equal temperament, I would love to spare all the autistic children out there the years of torture I endured. For crying out loud, people, children's music is horrible stuff for anyone to have to endure, but for those of us with sensitive ears, it is the eighth circle of Dante's Inferno.
Famous Hat
Friday, October 2, 2009
Friday Fish Fiction 4
Arphaxad is back with her weekly installment of fishy fiction.
I was swimming by a bicycle store when a poster in the window caught my eye. It was a photo of a marlin charging up a coral mountain on a state-of-the-art bicycle, a bicycle so light that in the next picture he was holding it up with one fin on the top of the mountain. The caption read: “Boethius Bicycles – Where Free Will Meets Destiny.”
I know what they say, that a fish without a bicycle is like a woman without a man, but at that very moment there was nothing I wanted more in this ocean than a Boethius Bike. I went into the store and inquired as to the price of the bike advertised on the poster. When the salesfish, a scruffy bottom feeder with droopy barbs, answered my query, I nearly went belly-up in shock. But biking across the ocean to Venice seemed more feasible than swimming the entire way, and so I asked if he had anything cheaper.
“What’s your price range?” he asked. I told him, and he said doubtfully, “I might have a used unicycle for that price.”
“Really? What’s your cheapest bicycle?”
He stroked his barbs thoughtfully and considered the question.
“Well,” he finally said, “I do have something in the basement, but it’s a very old model, and it might need some repairs. Heck, I’d practically have to pay you to take this thing off my hands.”
“Can I see it?”
“Certainly.” He disappeared into the basement, and I could hear him clattering around. Presently his voice bubbled up: “It doesn’t have a chain.”
“That’s okay, I can afford to buy a chain.”
“Oh no, I mean it doesn’t take a chain. It’s in better shape than I thought – you should be able to ride it out of here.” He emerged from the basement with the bicycle, which was a state-of-the-ark Boethius, a real old-fashioned penny farthing. The front wheel was taller than I was, and the back wheel barely came up to the top of my tail fin.
“How will I ride that thing?” I asked in amazement. “I’ll float right off!”
“It takes some getting used to,” the salesfish admitted. “But if you want it, it’s yours.”
The salesfish wasn’t kidding about the old bike taking some getting used to. I tried to ride it away from the store and immediately floated right off. On my next attempt, I ran headlong into a colony of zebra mussels and tumbled over the handlebars onto the hard shells. Finally, after suffering numerous cuts and bruises and what felt suspiciously like a sprained ventral fin, I successfully rode the bike for a short distance. A very cute carp on a brand-new Boethius biked by and said, “What a retro bike!”
“Thanks!” I said. “It’s an ’86 Boethius.”
That stopped him dead in his tracks. He turned and biked back.
“Really? An ’86? That thing looks ancient!”
“Yeah, 1886,” I told him, thinking the bike wasn’t so bad if it got cute carp to stop and talk to me. However, he simply snorted and biked away much faster than I could go on my ’86 Boethius. Ah well, it may not have been the fastest bike in the ocean, but it would undoubtedly be faster than swimming all the way to Venice.
Famous Hat
I was swimming by a bicycle store when a poster in the window caught my eye. It was a photo of a marlin charging up a coral mountain on a state-of-the-art bicycle, a bicycle so light that in the next picture he was holding it up with one fin on the top of the mountain. The caption read: “Boethius Bicycles – Where Free Will Meets Destiny.”
I know what they say, that a fish without a bicycle is like a woman without a man, but at that very moment there was nothing I wanted more in this ocean than a Boethius Bike. I went into the store and inquired as to the price of the bike advertised on the poster. When the salesfish, a scruffy bottom feeder with droopy barbs, answered my query, I nearly went belly-up in shock. But biking across the ocean to Venice seemed more feasible than swimming the entire way, and so I asked if he had anything cheaper.
“What’s your price range?” he asked. I told him, and he said doubtfully, “I might have a used unicycle for that price.”
“Really? What’s your cheapest bicycle?”
He stroked his barbs thoughtfully and considered the question.
“Well,” he finally said, “I do have something in the basement, but it’s a very old model, and it might need some repairs. Heck, I’d practically have to pay you to take this thing off my hands.”
“Can I see it?”
“Certainly.” He disappeared into the basement, and I could hear him clattering around. Presently his voice bubbled up: “It doesn’t have a chain.”
“That’s okay, I can afford to buy a chain.”
“Oh no, I mean it doesn’t take a chain. It’s in better shape than I thought – you should be able to ride it out of here.” He emerged from the basement with the bicycle, which was a state-of-the-ark Boethius, a real old-fashioned penny farthing. The front wheel was taller than I was, and the back wheel barely came up to the top of my tail fin.
“How will I ride that thing?” I asked in amazement. “I’ll float right off!”
“It takes some getting used to,” the salesfish admitted. “But if you want it, it’s yours.”
The salesfish wasn’t kidding about the old bike taking some getting used to. I tried to ride it away from the store and immediately floated right off. On my next attempt, I ran headlong into a colony of zebra mussels and tumbled over the handlebars onto the hard shells. Finally, after suffering numerous cuts and bruises and what felt suspiciously like a sprained ventral fin, I successfully rode the bike for a short distance. A very cute carp on a brand-new Boethius biked by and said, “What a retro bike!”
“Thanks!” I said. “It’s an ’86 Boethius.”
That stopped him dead in his tracks. He turned and biked back.
“Really? An ’86? That thing looks ancient!”
“Yeah, 1886,” I told him, thinking the bike wasn’t so bad if it got cute carp to stop and talk to me. However, he simply snorted and biked away much faster than I could go on my ’86 Boethius. Ah well, it may not have been the fastest bike in the ocean, but it would undoubtedly be faster than swimming all the way to Venice.
Famous Hat
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Happy Birthday Dear Blog!
One year ago today, the first Famous Hat post appeared. And what a year it has been! Look how much my life has changed in that time:
October 2008
pets: two rabbits, hedgehog, two fish
October 2009
pets: two rabbits, hedgehog, two fish
October 2008
plants: too many to count
October 2009
plants: too many to count
October 2008
best friend: Tiffy
October 2009
best friend: Tiffy
October 2008
religion: Catholic
October 2009
religion: Catholic
October 2008
commenters on blog: Rich and Hardingfele
October 2009
commenters on blog: Rich and Hardingfele
October 2008
vehicles: Erin the Car, Eusebius the Bike
October 2009
vehicles: Erin the Car, Eusebius the Bike
October 2008
marital status: single
October 2009
marital status: single
October 2008
kids: none
October 2009
kids: none
October 2008
musical obsession: salsa
October 2009
musical obsession: hip hop
See how much I have changed in a year? So much personal growth in just 365 days!
To celebrate my blog's first anniversary, I have sold out! Tiffy said I might as well go commercial and let them post ads on my blog. I have always wanted to be a professional writer, and who knows, maybe I will even make tens of dollars before this blog's second anniversary!
Famous Hat
October 2008
pets: two rabbits, hedgehog, two fish
October 2009
pets: two rabbits, hedgehog, two fish
October 2008
plants: too many to count
October 2009
plants: too many to count
October 2008
best friend: Tiffy
October 2009
best friend: Tiffy
October 2008
religion: Catholic
October 2009
religion: Catholic
October 2008
commenters on blog: Rich and Hardingfele
October 2009
commenters on blog: Rich and Hardingfele
October 2008
vehicles: Erin the Car, Eusebius the Bike
October 2009
vehicles: Erin the Car, Eusebius the Bike
October 2008
marital status: single
October 2009
marital status: single
October 2008
kids: none
October 2009
kids: none
October 2008
musical obsession: salsa
October 2009
musical obsession: hip hop
See how much I have changed in a year? So much personal growth in just 365 days!
To celebrate my blog's first anniversary, I have sold out! Tiffy said I might as well go commercial and let them post ads on my blog. I have always wanted to be a professional writer, and who knows, maybe I will even make tens of dollars before this blog's second anniversary!
Famous Hat
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