Cathinduism

Some time ago I used credit from a plant store to buy a cycad, but it never seemed all that happy in the plant room, so I brought it to work. That was a mistake – then it was miserable and lost its two new leaves. Since cycads grow excruciatingly slowly, this was a big deal. Cycads: they have survived 250 million years, but they can’t survive me! So I brought it home and brought a different plant to work. What kind? Good question. I have never seen a plant exactly like it before; the woman at the plant store said it was a dracaena, and when it started to get yellow leaves while sitting by the heat vent, which is a typical dracaena problem, it recovered when I moved it away from the vent. It seems happy enough at work. I will post a picture of it at some point. I posted a picture of it on social media, but nobody there had any idea what it was. It is not any of the myriad types of dracaenas I am familiar with.

There are some Catholics I avoid, for example those who think animals don’t go to heaven and those who worship the Republican party, and since those two groups tend to overlap, it makes my avoidance that much more efficient. Sometimes I wonder if I am even really Catholic myself. The lack of concern for nonhuman life in traditional Catholic thought has always bothered me, and the fact that I inconveniently remember a past life as a non-human makes me seem more like a Hindu. Maybe I am a Cathindu. Why do I remember a past life, you may ask, and I’ll tell you: because I demanded to. I also demanded to achieve enlightenment in one lifetime and not create any more humans, because a human killed me so I hated them. While this explains almost everything about how my life has unfolded if it’s true, I am not supposed to believe it so I’m expecting to get excommunicated any day. But hey, everyone’s a Bad Catholic in their own way, so while I may be a Cathindu, I am no more of a heretic than those people who think Trump is the new Messiah or that sex sins are unforgivable but greed itself is a virtue. Maybe we should all be excommunicated! Or maybe that is why we all needed a savior.

Famous Hat