My Flighty Friend

Do you ever feel like your life was scripted by someone who writes sitcoms for a living? I know I do. For example, this weekend I went hiking at a state park with Tiffy, Anna Banana II, both Blaney Boys, Cecil Markovitch, A-Fooze, and Richard Bonomo. Isn't that hilarious? Just kidding. As we were hiking, I found a male monarch butterfly lying on the ground. One of his antennae was broken off, but other than that he seemed fine, yet he was unable to fly. I set him on top of my raspberry beret (it was too cold for Famous Hat) and continued to hike, thinking he would fly away once he warmed up enough. (It was a very cold day for mid-October.) The butterfly had other ideas and stayed on my beret like a wacky decoration during the drive home.

He was still on my beret when we stopped for dinner, and I was afraid the restaurant staff would not appreciate having a live butterfly in their establishment. Would they honestly believe he was a service animal? ("Yeah, he's a seeing-eye butterfly.") But just when you need them most, a convention of Tolkein nutjobs always arrives on the scene, and so we followed a bunch of ents and orcs into the restaurant, and nobody even noticed my little friend. He sat peacefully by the window all through dinner (but had no interest in any water or juice himself) so I put him back on my beret when we left and slipped, barely noticed, out the door. (I did see one restaurant employee look at my beret kind of oddly, but she said nothing.) I got back into my own car with Tiffy, and when we left, the butterfly was no longer on my beret, so we figured he just hitched a ride to my hometown.

"I feel so used," I told Tiffy.

"Typical male," she replied. "First they won't leave, then when you get used to having them around, they split." Then we put on our swimsuits and tested the jacuzzi in Rich's new house, which met with our complete and utter approval. (He was more excited about the bidet.)

Yesterday morning I went to Mass and noticed nothing amiss, but on the way home I noticed something in the back window. It was my buddy butterfly! He hadn't left me after all! In fact, I had a very hard time convincing him to leave the car at all, but finally he did come with me... and then he suddenly took off and sailed into the clear blue autumn sky, completely recovered. I am hoping he is safely on his way to Mexico, which is where monarch butterflies gather for the winter, but Rich thinks he won't be able to find his way there with only one antenna.

Several people took photos of my little buddy, but unfortunately they have not yet emailed them to me. However, I do have something else for you: the film of the turquoise flames from the campfire I went to months ago. So watch this space for pictures of my friend the butterfly sometime in the next six months.

Famous Hat

Thursday is the New Friday

(this week only)

I regret to inform you that Arphaxad will be taking a week off from telling her story. I don't regret to inform you that she (and I) will be on vacation tomorrow. Yay! So to make up for it, I will give you an extra-long post today.

First, CROSS (Citizens for the Return Of Sanity to Sound) would like to remind you of what has become of society since the hostile takeover of the equal temperament tuning system at the beginning of the last century:

• two world wars
• abortion on demand
• no-fault divorce
• the rise of Communism
• reality TV

Clearly the time has come to take the bull by the horns and geld him! CROSS is a not-for-any-profit-whatsoever organization; it does not ask for money, only action.

And now, because I know you can't get enough of it: SPAM!!! First, it was nice knowing y'all, but I am off to buy my own tropical island, having won the National Lottery in some unspecified nation. See below:

Dear e-MAIL Winner,
Your email address won £850,000.00 GBP in this month NATIONAL LOTTERY E-mail online drew. To file for your claim, contact our agent Mr. Addison Mahir with the details below(Full Names, Contact Address, Country, Age, Sex, Occupation &
Telephone numbers) to this Email:ripoff@suckas.com

So here's what I said:

Full Names? Famous Hat, that's the only one I have but you can call me whatever you want... as long as you call me!
Contact Address? I no longer wear them, I have had LASIK surgery
Country? no thanks, I prefer hip hop
Age? old enough to know better
Sex? maybe, but send a photo first
Occupation? being a renowned piece of headware
Telephone number? KX-TG5480 is what it says on the front

But once again I cannot beat Hardingfele for bizarre spam:

Subject: Australia Order

Hello Sales,
I am interested in purchasing some of your products, I will like to know if you can ship directly to Australia, I also want you to know my mode of payment for this order is via Credit Card. Get back to me if you can ship to that destination and also if you accept the payment type I indicated. Kindly return this email with your Website.
I await your quick response.
Kind Regards.

Hardingfele (aka. "Sales") wasn't aware that she was selling anything, so she had never pondered the question of shipping it to Australia. I, however, do have something to sell Mr. Down Under: The Jugula! This handy little device is a spatula with a jug on the handle to hold syrup. There is no prototype yet, but there is a motto: "Go for the Jugula!" Tiffy has a product as well: a camping alarm clock called Tentinabulation. It sounds like bells, of course.

My office mate Toque (rhymes with puke, not poke) and I are fed up, so we were pleasantly surprised to see our horoscopes today. Here is Toque's:

Scorpio: Occult sciences such as alchemy, phrenology, and astrology could be singing their siren song to you, dear Scorpio. You like to think of yourself as down-to-earth and realistic, but today you could find so-called "unrealistic" fields of knowledge irresistible. You'll also have a special gift for them right now. Read up on the subject, and then give it a try. You might be surprised at what you discover.

Toque liked this. Her response: "I'm going to start hexing the s**t out of people!" She also liked mine, hoping she was the "young colleague," until getting to the part about health issues:

Capricorn: A young colleague could be leaving your place of employment under strange circumstances, dear Capricorn, and this could come as a shock to you. You may have been quite fond of this person and could find yourself wondering about the truth behind the departure. Gossip may be buzzing, but don't pay any attention to it. Chances are it's a health problem, but no one, including your colleague, feels comfortable discussing it.

I said maybe her occult studies would make her invisible, which could possibly be construed as a health issue. Are invisible people more or less healthy than the general population? Has a study been done yet? The plot thickened when a student hourly came in to commiserate, and we read her horoscope (Leo) which said something about a neighbor mysteriously vanishing. Too bad she and Toque aren't neighbors...

As far as yesterday on the Lolameter, first it was very bad because I was unable to secure a ride to Messiah practice and the bus would have gotten me there more than halfway through it, but then it was very good because my car key showed up... at my health club! Mad props to the anonymous Good Samaritan who turned it in there and to A-Joz for taking me there to pick it up. Today was neutral on the Lolameter; I missed the bus because I took too long dissecting a pomegranate for breakfast, but we had to take short lunches anyway so it evened out. Short lunches are part of why Toque and I are fed up, no pun intended.

Famous Hat

Off the Lolameter

I have a coworker, let's call her "Lola," who says that if the elevator comes right away, you are going to have a good day while if you just miss it, you are going to have a bad day. So we always talk about what kind of day we are going to have on the Lolameter (pronounced lo-LA-mitter, not Lola-meter). For example, Monday morning our bus drove right by us! This was all the more surprising because, even if it were a new driver or a sub, surely he or she should have noticed not only the large number of people waiting at the bus stop, but also the large bus stop structure. I could see missing one person at one of those subtle little bus stop signs, but ten at a stop with a structure? Come on, you obviously need more coffee. So that would indicate on the Lolameter that I was not going to have a good day, but I don't remember the rest of it being particularly bad.

Then yesterday morning everything seemed to be going smoothly until I was halfway to the bus stop and realized that, when I had switched over from my summer bag to my winter bag, I had neglected to transfer one little item: my bus pass. A neighbor offered to let me use a ride on her ten-ride pass, and usually I would have taken her up on the offer and just walked home (or begged a coworker for a ride, if the weather turned really bad), but I had to go downtown to run some errands and HAD to take the bus because on Saturday - clearly a bad day on the Lolameter - I somehow misplaced my car key and have yet to locate it. (On MyFace my status is currently: "Livin' car-free.... cuz I lost the key!") So I had to go back and get the pass and was then late to work AGAIN, but the rest of the day was fine.

Today Lola came into my office and said how not one, but two elevators had been RIGHT THERE when she needed them so it was clearly going to be a good day. I told her how this morning I'd been waiting for the bus and two teenage boys were trying to flirt with me and the woman standing next to me, showing off and looking to see if we'd noticed. Since I could literally have given birth to these children, I found it mostly amusing and a little bemusing. The two boys were black, I am white, and the woman standing next to me (who could have been their aunt, but not quite their mother) was Chinese, so hormones know no age or race boundaries. When I told Lola (who is younger, blacker, and way more attractive than I am) that I wasn't sure if I should be flattered because maybe they thought I was younger than I am, or if I should just assume they would flirt with anything female, she wasn't sure. She said, "You have to see what the rest of the day is like because I have no idea if that means you will have a good or a bad day. Just see what happens." And you know what? It's been a kind of neutral day, not particularly good or bad. Just a day. So I guess if teenagers flirt with you at the bus stop tomorrow, that means that your day will be smack in the middle of the Lolameter.

Famous Hat

For Your Educational Model Rocket Program

Once again, Hardingfele gets the weirdest spam. Who knew they were now using model rockets in education? Maybe I would have paid more attention in school if Toob'oh or Cee-yah were teaching precalculus. I am most fascinated by the way the names of the rocket models get progressively less interesting. I have changed a little of the wording of this ad, hoping nobody minds. I did leave amusing grammatical mistakes alone so you could see for yourselves just how edumacated these model rockets really are.

Announcing our fall 40% off sale on educational model bulk packs for the month of October on the following educational model rocket kits:

The Toob'oh RTF is a ready to fly model rocket with tube fins and streamer recovery. The Toob'oh RTF requires no build time and is ready to go! The Toob'oh is also available as a level 1 kit that is very easy to assemble. The regular Toob'oh can be assembled in 1 session of 1/2 to 1 hour, is fluent in French and can also substitute teach Spanish to the 12th grade level and German to the 9th grade level.

The Cee-Yah is a easy to assemble level 1 kit with streamer recovery. The Cee-Yah that can be assembled in 1 or 2 sessions of 1/2 to 1 hour and can teach physics and math up to the precalculus level.

The Centauri is a slightly more advanced level 1 kit with parachute recovery. The Centauri can be assembled in two building sessions of 1/2 to 1 hour and is certified to teach chemistry up to the freshman college level. It also has training in CPR in case of lab accidents.

The Sword is a more advanced level 1 kit with a payload section and parachute recovery. The Sword can be assembled in two building sessions of 1/2 to 1 hour and generally teaches social studies but is willing to substitute for physical education, music, or art.

The Quick-Fly is a easy to assemble level 2 boost glider that uses glide recovery and streamer recovery. The Quick Fly can be assembled in one building session of 1 hour and can parse a sentence in five seconds. It also knows the difference between a metaphor and a simile.

The Boostar-C is a level 1 model rocket booster kit that will turn either the Centauri of the Sword into a level 2 multi stage model rocket. However, it is willing to teach health class, even the section on sexuality.

All the Modelrockets-R-us kits have pre-marked or laser slotted tubes and precision laser cut fins and parts. No knife or ruler is need to assemble any of the Modelrockets-R-us model rocket kits, but please have a basic knowledge of reading and math before attending one of their classes.

White or wood glue, model rocket motors, chute wadding, launch pad and launch controller available separately. Please bring a calculator and a narrow rule notebook to the first day of class.

Famous Hat

CROSS Manifesto

Today Citizens for the Return Of Sanity to Sound (CROSS) is posting its manifesto on my blog. CROSS has two simple goals:

1. Eradication of equal temperament. Sound is a physical reality governed by mathematical laws, but you wouldn't know that from equal temperament. It just chops the octave into twelve identical bits and calls it a day, not caring how these intervals actually sound.

2. Elimination of the Key of Gb Major. I'm sorry, but there is no need for this key to exist. SIX flats??? That's just being greedy. Come on, move it up half a step and put it in G Major.

The time to act is now, and here is what you can do:

Write your congressman (woman, thing, whatever) about this problem.

Retune pianos into extended sixth-comma mean tone.

Graffiti. Me, I have always thought graffiti was kind of cool. Now I would never advocate defacing a beautiful stone, brick, or wooden building, but one cannot be said to "deface" something that was never "faced" in the first place, if you see what I mean. Ugly concrete buildings (for example, the music school at our local university) are practically screaming to be covered with spray-painted slogans such as: "Equal Temperament is Pure Evil," "Gb Major is for Losers," and of course "Return to Sanity - Return to Sixth-Comma Mean Tone!" In fact, watch this space for possible video footage of me decorating the music school with such maxims. (Or wimping out and writing it in chalk on the sidewalk...)

Famous Hat

Is It Live... Or What??

The following is an actual exchange Richard Bonomo had with a "live chat session" on the AT&T website. He has no idea if this was an actual human who just doesn't understand... well, much of anything, or if it was a computer-generated exchange. I will leave it to my 3.5 faithful readers (that's minus my faithful reader Rich) to weigh in on this significant matter. In the exchange below, "Nash" is the AT&T product specialist and "you" is Rich.

AT&T product specialists are happy to assist you with your questions. Click below to begin your live text chat. Chat representatives will not have access to your personal account. This service is provided to you under AT&Ts Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy.Chat InformationWelcome to AT&T. My name is Nash. How may I help you today?

Nash: I will be happy to answer your questions regarding AT&T services. I specialize in setting up new phone accounts and High Speed Internet service. To start, could you please tell me what city and state you are located in?

Nash: Hello! How may I assist you with your online order?

you: Hello. I may be moving soon, and I would like to see if I can get a vanilla Ethernet connection via DSL with a static IP address and NO port restrictions.

you: This is Anytown, YourStateHere.

Nash: Thank you for the information.

Nash: Have you checked the availability for High Speed DSL service at your location?

you: The web site says it is available, but when I attempt to look at the page, for example, AT&T High Speed Internet Direct Pro S Static IP plan, the page does not open correctly, so I am unable to view the specifications.

Nash: Thank you for the information.

you: Oh, I forgot to add: NO server restrictions.

Nash: It's okay.

Nash: Which services are you looking to order online today?

you: I am not looking to order. I am checking on the price of the service I outlined in my first paragraph.

Nash: Is there anything else that I can assist you with?

you: No, I am just looking for that information right now. I cannot place any orders as I do not yet have legal access to the address in question.

Nash: Thank you for chatting with AT&T today. It has been a pleasure assisting you. Should you need further assistance today, there is a button you may click on to chat with us again.Chat InformationThank you for chatting with AT&T today. Have a great day.

You: Is this a live person or a computer?

But it was TOO LATE - "Nash" had already exited the conversation.

Famous Hat

Friday Fish Fiction 5

Arphaxad is back with the continuation of her story.

I woke up early on the morning in which I was to embark on my journey and went out to the kitchen, poured myself a cup of coffee, and read my horoscope. (Pisces, naturally.) It said: Today is a good day to finally begin that project you have always meant to start. Everything seemed to be going my way. Then my father came into the kitchen, poured himself a cup of coffee, and sat down across from me at the kitchen table.

“Are you sure you want to do this, Seashell?” he wondered for the hundredth time. (Seashell was his pet name for all his three hundred-odd daughters.)

“What else am I going to do with a degree in Comparative Ich-Theology?” I replied.

“I’ve always told you fry that you should study something practical. You could have been a scale surgeon or a reef designer, but oh no, you all wanted to study FUN things.” Then he turned more serious. “Be careful out there, Seashell. You’ve spent your whole life in a modern ichtheocracy. Just remember that in some of those ancient pischarcies across the sea, there is no such thing as ‘innocent until proven guilty’ and ‘a jury of your peers.’ Oh Seashell, I’m going to miss you so much!”

“Really?” When you’re one of six hundred siblings, you don’t necessarily feel as if your parents pay all that much attention to you. They always say a Papa Fish is proudest of his first brood and fondest of his last one, which left me firmly in Middle Hatchling territory.

“You’ve always been the one with a sense of adventure,” he said. “And that’s why I know I can’t stop you now. I can only warn you to be careful.”

“Oh, Daddy!” I had to give him a big hug. “I’ll miss you so much! But I’ll be back after I’ve seen Venice, I promise!”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” he said, laying his pectoral fin on top of mine. “It could be that your destiny lies over there.”

In the afternoon my whole family threw a farewell party for me: my parents and six hundred siblings, countless aunts, uncles, and cousins, and a number of family friends. I sat unblinking (since fish can’t blink) as Grandpa made a long-winded, gin-fueled toast to the success of my ventures, and the wheels of my bicycle, and the currents of the ocean, and the fish I would come across who were kind to me (and a curse on the ones who were bad to me), and to the sun, and the moon, and the water, and the gin, etc. I’d say he drinks like a fish, but that would be redundant. Still, I was going to miss his gin-scented kisses on my gill: “Lassie, you’re so lovely that if I were a young fish again I’d have to marry you!” I would miss all of them terribly, but I had to go to Venice. My father was right; my destiny lay somewhere across the ocean.

Famous Hat