Thursday is the New Friday

(this week only)

I regret to inform you that Arphaxad will be taking a week off from telling her story. I don't regret to inform you that she (and I) will be on vacation tomorrow. Yay! So to make up for it, I will give you an extra-long post today.

First, CROSS (Citizens for the Return Of Sanity to Sound) would like to remind you of what has become of society since the hostile takeover of the equal temperament tuning system at the beginning of the last century:

• two world wars
• abortion on demand
• no-fault divorce
• the rise of Communism
• reality TV

Clearly the time has come to take the bull by the horns and geld him! CROSS is a not-for-any-profit-whatsoever organization; it does not ask for money, only action.

And now, because I know you can't get enough of it: SPAM!!! First, it was nice knowing y'all, but I am off to buy my own tropical island, having won the National Lottery in some unspecified nation. See below:

Dear e-MAIL Winner,
Your email address won £850,000.00 GBP in this month NATIONAL LOTTERY E-mail online drew. To file for your claim, contact our agent Mr. Addison Mahir with the details below(Full Names, Contact Address, Country, Age, Sex, Occupation &
Telephone numbers) to this Email:ripoff@suckas.com

So here's what I said:

Full Names? Famous Hat, that's the only one I have but you can call me whatever you want... as long as you call me!
Contact Address? I no longer wear them, I have had LASIK surgery
Country? no thanks, I prefer hip hop
Age? old enough to know better
Sex? maybe, but send a photo first
Occupation? being a renowned piece of headware
Telephone number? KX-TG5480 is what it says on the front

But once again I cannot beat Hardingfele for bizarre spam:

Subject: Australia Order

Hello Sales,
I am interested in purchasing some of your products, I will like to know if you can ship directly to Australia, I also want you to know my mode of payment for this order is via Credit Card. Get back to me if you can ship to that destination and also if you accept the payment type I indicated. Kindly return this email with your Website.
I await your quick response.
Kind Regards.

Hardingfele (aka. "Sales") wasn't aware that she was selling anything, so she had never pondered the question of shipping it to Australia. I, however, do have something to sell Mr. Down Under: The Jugula! This handy little device is a spatula with a jug on the handle to hold syrup. There is no prototype yet, but there is a motto: "Go for the Jugula!" Tiffy has a product as well: a camping alarm clock called Tentinabulation. It sounds like bells, of course.

My office mate Toque (rhymes with puke, not poke) and I are fed up, so we were pleasantly surprised to see our horoscopes today. Here is Toque's:

Scorpio: Occult sciences such as alchemy, phrenology, and astrology could be singing their siren song to you, dear Scorpio. You like to think of yourself as down-to-earth and realistic, but today you could find so-called "unrealistic" fields of knowledge irresistible. You'll also have a special gift for them right now. Read up on the subject, and then give it a try. You might be surprised at what you discover.

Toque liked this. Her response: "I'm going to start hexing the s**t out of people!" She also liked mine, hoping she was the "young colleague," until getting to the part about health issues:

Capricorn: A young colleague could be leaving your place of employment under strange circumstances, dear Capricorn, and this could come as a shock to you. You may have been quite fond of this person and could find yourself wondering about the truth behind the departure. Gossip may be buzzing, but don't pay any attention to it. Chances are it's a health problem, but no one, including your colleague, feels comfortable discussing it.

I said maybe her occult studies would make her invisible, which could possibly be construed as a health issue. Are invisible people more or less healthy than the general population? Has a study been done yet? The plot thickened when a student hourly came in to commiserate, and we read her horoscope (Leo) which said something about a neighbor mysteriously vanishing. Too bad she and Toque aren't neighbors...

As far as yesterday on the Lolameter, first it was very bad because I was unable to secure a ride to Messiah practice and the bus would have gotten me there more than halfway through it, but then it was very good because my car key showed up... at my health club! Mad props to the anonymous Good Samaritan who turned it in there and to A-Joz for taking me there to pick it up. Today was neutral on the Lolameter; I missed the bus because I took too long dissecting a pomegranate for breakfast, but we had to take short lunches anyway so it evened out. Short lunches are part of why Toque and I are fed up, no pun intended.

Famous Hat