Caveat Emptor in Festo

The other night Anna Banana II showed us a video she had received about holding selling parties. You know what I mean, those ridiculous parties women have where they try to get other women to buy things they don't need. I have done it twice, and in the second case I was given a "content-free" video much like the one Anna Banana II had, which told you absolutely nothing about how to actually go about hosting these parties. It just went on and on about how some ultra extroverted woman had made SO MUCH money selling this product, and so could YOU!!

In contrast, the first time I tried doing selling parties, I actually got a useful video. This company, let's say they are called BongoFest and sell tropical drums so that I don't get sued, provided me with a kit full of sample drums and BongoFest: The Movie, a handy if highly cheesy guide to throwing your own drum party. It showed how you talk your first victim (the "hostess") into having the party at her house by promising her lots of schwag (the more subsequent victims, the more schwag), and then you release her to find more victims for you. Then you set up the drums attractively and ask the guests to imagine themselves playing salsa on the drums, and which songs they would like to play. You can usually guilt them into at least buying a pair of maracas, and the hostess is on your side because if enough of them buy stuff, she can get that set of timbales she's been coveting for the price of a pair of bongos.

So I hosted a party, got enough people to buy enough drums so that I got my free "drum kit" and started off to find my own hostess victims. My first hostess was a college student living at home, and she was having a slumber party with a couple of friends so they ate pizza and watched me give my drum spiel as if I were a movie. I knew perfectly well they were not one bit interested in buying any drums, but the hostess's mother did end up purchasing some lovely dumbecks so it wasn't a complete waste for me. The second party I hosted ended up in the basement during a tornado warning, but no tornado hit, and several drums were sold. The third party was at my friend Ethel's house, and her toddler daughter projectile-vomited all over, barely missing my sample drums and effectively ending my spiel, but Ethel does have many, many sisters who bought drums. The fourth party was at Richard Bonomo's house, of all places, and only he, Anna Banana II, and I showed up, but enough people ordered drums that I did make money. The fifth party was at the home of our Director of Religious Education at Our Lady of Perpetual Help, and none of her guests spoke English so she had to translate everything I said about my drums into Spanish. She has a bit of money and ended up ordering a set of steel drums, so it was a profitable party. However, my most successful party by far was the easiest one: I gave T a catalogue to bring to work, and all her coworkers ordered drums. At the end of the month I had made a tidy profit, but when I divided the money I'd made by the hours I'd put into my drum-selling business, it came out to about $2.15. And that is why I only sold drums for a month; sure, you can make money if you really hustle, but is it worth it?

Famous Hat