Sock Puppet League Episode Eight: Stolen!

This is a true story that happened somewhere I used to work. The very young and cute but not terribly bright secretary sent this email to the entire company, including the owner. 

Do you suppose she ever thought to ask R&D if they had seen the Marketing wastebasket that said "R&D" on it?

Famous Hat

Exciting Elvis News

I have some exciting news for my readers: you could be buried in Elvis’s first crypt! Per a coworker of mine, there was a story about this in the Arts section of the New York Times. It seems that while Elvis’s father Vernon was waiting for permission to bury Elvis on the Graceland property, the mortal remains of Elvis and his mother Gladys were laid to rest in a crypt in Memphis. It is supposed to be a lovely crypt made of marble, and for a starting bid of $100,000 you could buy it for yourself. Imagine it: you could spend eternity in a place where Elvis spent some time! Maybe you could buy it as an investment property and sell little sections of it to house the cremated remains of Elvis fans. Let me know if you have any interest in this fantastic opportunity, and I will get you in touch with my coworker.

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Lots of Brats

I hope all 5.8 of my loyal readers had a good holiday weekend. Anna Banana II wanted to do several things before she leaves the state next week, so on Friday she and I went to Brat Fest, then on Saturday she, Jilly Moose, and I went to the People’s Brat Fest, an alternative festival with organic brats. (We got there too late for the pretzel rolls, which was a disappointment.) Then yesterday all of us Rosary Ladies (Anna Banana II, Jilly Moose, OK Cap, Luxuli, and I) met for lunch at an Indian restaurant that Anna Banana II will miss. Sunday Richard Bonomo and I spent basically all day in the garden, then we went to Brat Fest again, and then we watched the fireworks from his roof. I didn’t think mosquitoes flew that high, but they do, and they were hungry. My poppy will bloom any day, and a lavender calla lily and blue iris are blooming, so I will try to get photos of those on here soon. Meanwhile, here is a photo of the partial solar eclipse and a photo Banjo Player took in Burley, ID on her road trip out West. Note the sign right under the Chevron one.

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Z-List Celebrity

Toque McToque was bemoaning all the lies floating around out there, and she said we should have a talk radio show to disseminate the truth. She said we could have five listeners and be small-time celebrities, and I pointed out that with my 5.8 loyal readers I am already a Z-list celebrity. What do I plan to do with my very minor fame? Use it to find a farmer to marry, of course! And then I would grow beets to make beet risotto. Delicious AND magenta! How can you go wrong? Here at work we are putting together a “healthy” cookbook as part of a wellness challenge, and I wanted to submit my beet risotto recipe, but I forgot it at home. No problem, I googled it, and it came up not only with a wine pairing (a sparkling rosé) but also a recommendation that it was a good dish for a Capricorn. I found this fascinating, since in fact I am a Capricorn and I love beet risotto. However, I cannot mention this on the Catholic dating website – astrology discussions are strictly prohibited. I feel like my personal ad should have some disclaimers.

Dear Farmer and Future Mister Hat:

The truth is that the moment I learn your birthday, I will think of what your astrological sign is. And I will listen to hip hop in the car when you aren’t there. And you might have to kick me out of bed at five every morning, because I am not a morning person, but I will still make a fabulous farmer’s wife. Just not a very alert one.

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Light Bright's Slip-Up

I did not witness this particular incident, but my office mate Light Bright told me she wished I had been there. It was noon, so all sorts of people were around as she was leaving the cafeteria with a salad in one hand and fork and napkins in the other. The passageway was so crowded that she kept close to the wall, to stay out of the way of the bunches of people wandering around.  As she was taking a step, her foot slipped on a little patch of something oily, and since her other foot was already forward, she said, “I knew I was going down!” Instinctively her body fell against the wall, so that instead of falling smack on her bum she just slid down the wall. She managed to hang onto everything in her hands during this little trip; as she said, “My brain remembered it was food!” Everyone around her asked if she was okay, and she said yes. Then they looked for the patch she slipped on, but nobody could find it. I said it must be because her pants wiped it up, thus making the place safe for everyone else.

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Sock Puppet League Episode Seven: Dirty!

I have just created a new profile on a Catholic dating website, after deciding yesterday that what I really want to do is marry a farmer. This site is intimidating, though, since one of the many forbidden topics of discussion is astrological signs. If they get worked up about that, what will they think of my love of hip hop?!? And as my office mate Light Bright pointed out, my opening line is a real attention getter.

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Beautiful Weekend

This weekend was just beautiful. On Saturday morning I went to Stoughon for Syttende Mai with A-Joz and Hardingfele, and we enjoyed the gorgeous weather while wandering around looking at arts and crafts, eating food, and listening to music. Then I mowed Richard Bonomo's yard for him, since he is too busy to do it himself. The grass was so tall that it was all going to seed! Then Anna Banana II, Jilly Moose, and I got some pizza bruta for dinner and dark chocolate peanut butter cupcakes for dessert. Yum! Anna Banana II was all glammed up with her hair and makeup done the way she will have it done for her wedding in a couple of weeks. Then yesterday Kathbert, Anna Banana II, and I met at Picnic Point to hike all over. Kathbert and I biked there to maximize our outdoor exposure. In the evening Hardingfele, Rockstar Tailor, and I joined Astrochick and some other people in watching the partial eclipse of the sun. That was very cool, and several people told me they would send me photos, but so far I haven't received any so I can't post any. I promise to post them if I ever receive them.

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Carpe Education

This is an actual email Toque McToque received from an actual college student, with a few incriminating details changed.  (And no, the sport was not football.). Of course, he is "seizing" to be a college student so "therefor" he doesn't actually need to know how to spell, right?

My name is Joe Schmo and I'm a junior at the University. I play for the University badminton team. After my exams I am going to be signing a professional contract and therefor will not be attending the University in my senior year. In order to do this I need a letterhead saying I am seizing to be a college student at this university. When would I be able to come into the office and get this document? I look forward to your response.

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Sweating Alone Is Hard to Do

Exercising alone is not that easy, I discovered today. My office mate Light Bright is off today, so she is not here to time my exercises. I started doing the plank, figured a minute had to be up, and looked just to find that it was only half a minute. Then I realized the clock in our office clicks loudly every second, so then I was able to tell how much time was passing. However, my motivation was gone and doing my normal number of pushups seemed impossible. Even going up five flights of stairs was much harder alone. I am slogging my way through my exercises and have them about half done. Gotta go – have to finish the rest of my exercises.

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Bike to Work Week

This is Bike to Work Week, and in that spirit I biked (boke?) to work yesterday. (Monday was too early in the week to make that kind of decision, and today I got a ride from A-Joz.) It was a gorgeous ride in, and the day continued to be lovely, as you may have noticed from my post yesterday about getting ice cream. There was no sign of trouble until I left work and thought to myself, “It got overcast suddenly, and it smells like rain.” I hoped to beat it home, and certainly the thunderstorm rumbling in the distance. However, I hadn’t gone very far when the heavens opened and dumped a ton of water all over me. It was still very sunny, but I didn’t want to put on my sunglasses because they would be covered with rain and hard to see out of, so I just squinted against the sunlight. All that, and yet there was no rainbow. It was raining so hard that I thought surely it would let up… which it did, just as I arrived at home. I was so wet that I even had to change my underwear! So that was my adventurous first time biking to work this year. At least there was no sign of lightning.

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Step Up to Free Ice Cream

Today my office mate Light Bright and I went down to campus to get “appreciated” in the form of free ice cream. The ice cream was at the top of a hill, and the side we were coming from had steps leading up to it, so we counted the steps and were only eight short of our five flights, assuming a flight is sixteen steps. No problem – there were more steps at the very top of the hill, eight to be precise. So we climbed them to the ice cream, but Light Bright barely got any in her cone, and mine was melting all over. Then we laughed because we were complaining about FREE ICE CREAM. And we had already exercised it off with our five flights of stairs! Or at least a fraction of it.

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Sock Puppet League Episode Six: Freudian Slip

Here is an episode of Sock Puppet League that doesn't even feature a sock puppet, just my own booboo. Light Bright is the hat with a flame on the top.

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Sock Puppet League Episode Five: How Should I Know?

Hot off the presses, it's another Sock Puppet League episode! This one actually happened to my office mate Light Bright, and I was the sock puppet who does not say anything. Enjoy!

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Tour of Campus

Today I had to go pick up a print job on campus. It was supposed to be at the building where Hardingfele works (although she was not there today, since she is down with a virus), but when I got there, the woman behind the counter said it wasn’t there. Turns out it was at another place way down on the south side of campus, so I had to take the free bus that just goes in a circle down to this place, which was not a customer-friendly area. I had to dodge all sorts of heavy equipment while entering what looked like a loading dock, but it was the right place because my print job was there. Then I had to get back on the free bus and do the rest of its loop, and it let me off right in the middle of campus where all the students were freezing because they insisted on wearing super short shorts despite the weather. It is almost the end of their term, so they cannot face the fact that it is a little bit cool outside. I felt young being back there, because it reminded me of my own student days, yet I felt old compared to all the students. Seriously, I don’t remember ever wearing shorts that short. So that took up half my afternoon, but the good news is the print job looks great.

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Wedding Shower/Bachelorette Party

Saturday was Anna Banana II’s bridal shower and bachelorette party, which had a Mexican theme since it was Cinco de Mayo. Anna Banana II had to wear a sombrero, and some of us put on fake black moustaches like the ones little boys wear for the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe. We enjoyed Mexican food and played games like Charades and Pull the Paperclip out of the Rice; I won a bracelet and a rosary. After the shower, Anna Banana II, her cousin, her mother, Jilly Moose, and I went to the local casino for the bachelorette party. Jilly Moose won $30 right away, and Anna Banana II’s mother won 14 cents. I lost $11, but since I won $8.34 the other time I was there, I am down less than $3, plus someone left 17 cents credit on a machine, so I cashed that out. Two dollars and some change seems like a great deal for getting to listen to the fantastic mariachi band that was playing there, so I still consider it a successful trip to the casino.

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Spam Novel

This is a new one for me – I just received an entire novel by email. This has to be the strangest spam I have ever gotten. Apparently it is a very important novel. I guess this is one way to get your writing out there. Check out this introduction:

STRATEGIC INTERNATIONAL EMERGENCY

O My God

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Obey the law - report this emergency alert to the public.

INTRODUCTION:

Book review request, previously sent to the U.S. Congress and the news media in 2006; no response. They are very afraid, therefore you must be courageous.Perhaps now, only the youth can save themselves?

THIS BOOK'S MOVIE RIGHTS ARE FOR SALE; email: spammer@yahoo.com

In 2010, this book and movie rights offer was emailed to most of the Hollywood producers, directors, and some actors; no response. They are very afraid, therefore you must be courageous.

If I do not respond to you within one week, my email address has been blocked. Then email your movie rights offer to the U.S. President for forwarding: president@whitehouse.gov, or use: http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact/. He has my email address: spammer@yahoo.com

Translate this free book into all languages. Email it to everyone. Submit the meta names and text to the internet search engines.

All government employees are under payment, pension, oath, honor, and self-interest to report this emergency to the general public. Whenever you talk to them, especially military, law enforcement, and politicians, ask: "Have you reported the government emergency alert to the public?" Also, if American congress personnel have not received the order, Americans can (again) email them this e-book text. Find such email addresses at: http://www.congress.org/congressorg/home/.

The content of this book lives up to its main and chapter titles. Required reading for graduation from all high schools, save this file. If necessary, to read this book, copy the entire text, and paste it into your word processor, or pdf editor. Print out a copy of this book and gift it to your local library, or at least email the text of this free e-book to your library. Verify with the librarian that the library has made this book as accessible to the public as all the other books in the library. Send the title and website address only (http://international-emergency.webs.com/) as your only comment response to all online news articles, and as letters to the editor.

Put a link to the entire text of this book on all websites. Create websites that contain the text of this book. Use re-emailing (perhaps by anonymouse.org) to send this book to everyone who deserves happiness. Give awards such as Boy Scout merit badges, and the Medal of Freedom, to anyone who emails this book to one million readers, or more. IF GOD DESIRED YOU TO EMAIL THIS FREE E-BOOK TO ALL EMAIL ADDRESSES ON EARTH, WOULD YOU DO IT? Read it, at least chapters three and seven, then decide.

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Famous Hat again. I will let you know if this book lives up to the hype.

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Sock Puppet League Episode Four: Other Duties As Assigned

Since I'm on a Sock Puppet League roll, I am posting an episode that happened awhile ago. This sock puppet is actually retired now, so I haven't been asked to move Japan lately.

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Sock Puppet League Episode Three: Database

Just what you've been waiting for since December 2010 (I checked): a new episode of Sock Puppet League! This episode happened to me just about an hour ago.

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The Department of Horticultural Affairs

Toque McToque and I have noticed that there seems to be a conspiracy among flower producers to make us buy more plants. I noticed this when doing an online search on the care of Gerbera daisies and could find nothing about what to do with them in the winter, unless I happened to live in Zone 9-11, where they can survive over the winter. (I happen to live in Zone 4.) Do Gerbera daisies go dormant for the winter, like calla lilies? Or do they just keep growing like the average houseplant? You would not think this would be a state secret, but all the websites seemed to be in agreement that Gerbera daisies should be discarded at the end of the season. Why throw away a perfectly good plant?? These same people must be the ones who perpetuate the myth that poinsettias are nearly impossible to get to rebloom, so you might as well buy a new one every year. Both Rich and Kathbert have gotten poinsettias to rebloom without too much effort, so the implication is that this story was fabricated to sell more poinsettias. Toque said there should be a regulatory agency to oversee such matters, and I suggested naming it the Department of Horticultural Affairs. An emblem for this agency will be forthcoming.

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