Birthday Present Ideas... from Spam!

Today is not Tiffy's birthday, but Hardingfele received yet more spam with something for the woman who has everything: Vacuum force technology to cleanly squeeze toothpaste! Because we all know what a downer dirty squeezing is. (Though in my case it's been awhile so I only have fuzzy memories.)

Figure 1: Vacuum force technology to cleanly squeeze toothpaste!

In case you do not have enough money to buy this contraption (only $19.99 as seen on TV!), you could utilize this response Hardingfele got to her stolen bike post:

I came across your post on craigslist and I just wanted to tell you about my sucess story on how I was able to easily make money online. I found this website http://blahblahblah that showed me from start to finish all the techniques to making money online. Its so easy i have my mother doing the same thing and after two days shes made over 600 dollars. This is no gimmick or any get rich quick scheme its an honest, easy way to make money and i encourage you to try it, take two minutes of your time to change for your life forever.

Wow! What that has to do with a stolen bike is beyond both of us, but doesn't it sound like a terrific opportunity? Don't bother checking out that website, though - I have modified it so that only Hardingfele and I can be in on this sweeeeeet deal.

Here is another entirely appropriate gift for anyone with a birthday this time of year:

Figure 2: Tell Me Something I Don't Already Know

This is some kind of CD, but the music on it is neither salsa nor George Clinton, so I have no idea what any of it is. White People music, I think. (I have always maintained that White People Music after 1750 is no damn good - this only means music in White People style, not by people who happen to be white, so Led Zeppelin is good music since everyone knows they stole everything from delta blusemen anyway. Also, folk music like Irish stuff is exempt from the White People Music curse.) Why all Virgos are mad, I couldn't tell you, nor whether they mean "angry" or "crazy," but I'm guessing the second one. (Except for you, of course, Tiffy, if you happen to be reading this.)

In three years Hardingfele will be getting a TREMENDOUS surprise for her birthday, at least according to the Mayan calendar, Nostradamus, the ancient Egyptians, the Freemasons, and lots of other reliable people, according to some TV show I saw the other night. (No, I still do not own a TV - nor do I want one - but I do know people who do.)

And here is something Hardingfele gave me, for no particular reason. I have to say that whoever created this must own rabbits. Maybe Cashmere's twin sister.

Figure 3: You Can't Handle the Truth!

Famous Hat