Thursday, September 22, 2011

BIUTTID: Ugly Apartment Building

(First in a possible series on BIUTTID: Bringing It Up To Take It Down)

At the request of Banjo Player, I am going to bring up the Ugly Apartment Building that they will be building next to Lutheran Cathedral. As my regular readers may remember, Richard Bonomo gave an impassioned speech about the importance of protecting Lutheran Cathedral, and Tuesday night he was in front of the City Council giving his speech again. (Because he gave it extemporaneously, he was grateful that I had written a transcript to put on this blog.) Unfortunately, the Ugly Apartment Building was approved by ONE lousy vote in the early hours of Wednesday, because that’s how long the meeting went on, from what I hear.

We’re bringing it up to take it down, which is kind of hard when it hasn’t even been built yet so let’s take it down figuratively. First of all, why do we need more student apartment buildings around here? There are only about three million of them mere blocks to the east, not to mention the one right behind Lutheran Cathedral. They are not cheap, either, so I could not have afforded to live in one, and if there are any poor students still attending this university, none of them will be able to live there either. Therefore I object from an egalitarian perspective: Ugly Apartment Building is classist!

My second objection to Ugly Apartment Building is aesthetic. Do we really need another tall, soulless apartment building ruining the skyline of our fair city? How fair will our city be when the skyline is so full of these ugly buildings that we can no longer see the old, beautiful buildings like Lutheran Cathedral, which will be completely dwarfed by it? The building behind it already towers over the bell tower, and doesn’t that just seem wrong?

My third objection to Ugly Apartment Building is its occupants. We already know they are a bunch of rich elitists with no aesthetic taste, which for me is enough to condemn them, but it is also highly likely that, as rich, spoiled students, they will be heavy drinkers as well. And then they will need somewhere to dispose of their empty beer cans, so they will fling them at Lutheran Cathedral because at best they will be indifferent to religion, and quite possibly they will be downright hostile. Therefore I condemn Ugly Apartment Building on the grounds that it will be a lousy neighbor.

Feel free to take down Ugly Apartment Building some more in the comments.

Famous Hat

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