This weekend I told Tiffy about how Richard Bonomo and I did a dramatic reading of that scene of a children's play that a faculty member randomly received in the mail, and she asked if I had ever written a play. So I told her about Pizza Bear, the musical that was basically a double entendre ("Pizza Bear REALLY delivers!") back when I was in high school, and we both must have terrible memories because according to this very blog, we discussed Pizza Bear back on 20 November, 2020. I don't think the script exists anymore, but lonely Mrs. Lion, lonely Mrs. Tiger, and lonely Miss Panther each had a sad song about why they were so lonely (answer: Mr. Lion was leaving her alone with all the kids so he could bowl with his buddies, Mr. Tiger was always working late, and there was no Mr. Panther), and then the Greek chorus of giraffes sang in Andrews Sisters-style harmony: "Oh Pizza Pizza Pizza Bear, he brings it here, he brings it there, oh Pizza Bear delivers!" Tiffy thought we could do something with the script, like it would need a denouement, and I said I vaguely remember that it had one where Mr. Lion, Mr. Tiger, and Miss Panther's friend Mr. Leopard wondered why the ladies were ordering so much pizza. But this is a memory from more than three decades ago, so who knows how it really ended?
The next day at coffee I was thinking that I had written another play, and it started to come back to me. In college I was at a party where this guy was fascinated by the concept (or at least the name) of Hieronymus Bosch, and then his friend said, "Yeah, Hieronymus Bosch was my neighbor. I used to play with all the little Bosches. And then there was Mrs. Davis-Bosch. She was always... different." From that starting point I had written a play where Mrs. Davis-Bosch was a lounge singer who disappeared, and Hieronymus went to find her and somehow time-traveled back to the Etruscans. Hence the name: Hieronymus Bosch Meets the Etruscans. I believe the denouement of that one was that just as the Etruscans were about to kill Hieronymus, Boethius appeared in a deus ex machina that was just a sports car, and they drove away. Did they ever find Mrs. Davis-Bosch? I think she had decided to leave Hieronymus for a hot young Etruscan warrior, if I remember correctly. Since I have saved virtually every notebook I ever wrote in since college, it is always possible that this masterpiece is still lurking around here somewhere.
Tiffy thought that play sounded too pretentious, exactly like what someone who is a sophomore in college would write, so she thought we should focus on Pizza Bear. Though we can't even remember that we came up with a great plot twist two years and two months ago, with Pizza Bear being chased by a car (maybe driven by Mr. Lion?), and he throws his box of pizza up in the air, rolls under the moving car, emerges on the other side unharmed, and catches the box of pizza. After all, if Pizza Bear doesn't have to stick to his own species in matters of love, why should the laws of physics apply to him?
Famous Hat
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